The Differences Between Healthy, Unhealthy and Toxic Relationships.
The content of this essay is based on the following experience: 7 years of daily study and formal education which has included: intimate and familial relationship dynamics, psychology, human behavior, neuroscience, female and male psychology. 7 years of coaching individuals, couples, families and groups on how to function more optimally in their lives, 21 years (intensely) studying the internal marriage between our bodies and minds, and 17 years of teaching how this union manifests through yoga. It also includes 32 years of the woes and triumphs of my personal relationship experience, and the same observing those of my friends and family.
I offer up the aforementioned not as proof of my knowledge, but rather as an effort towards complete transparency; and, to remind us all that to define a relationship as healthy vs not isn’t quite so binary. There are nuances, spectrums and degrees, and they are often specific to the couple.
Please know that the information shared I offer with two sole purposes: To educate you and to empower you. In no way is this intended to shame you but rather to fire you up to change, where change is necessary. If you do at any point feel a pang of shame, kill it immediately. Replace the shame with a shift in attitude, an apology, a confrontation, a boundary, or last but never least, surrender of control.
IT’S NOT THE RELATIONSHIP, IT’S YOU.
The quality of any relationship is dependent on the energy, behaviors, actions, and patterns of the people involved. Your relationship is not a separate entity from you and your partner. You are both the co-creators of what you refer to as your ‘relationship’ which means that no matter how thin you slice bread, there’s always two sides. Two perspectives. Two sets of values, beliefs, traumas, family histories, and lenses through which you see the world. It also means that you have more influence over your relationship than you think. You have the power to destroy your partnership and you also have the power to transform it. Does it mean that you may have to leave it for it to transform? Yes. Could it also mean that by changing your behavior you inspire your person to change theirs too? Yes. All of it is possible. What I know with complete certainty is that every single one of us have to be accountable for how our relationship is, or isn’t. No matter how messed up your dynamic may or may not be.
This can be a rough and tough pill to swallow, but shame and self blame have no place here. Accountability is about power. You may need help getting there. In fact, you probably will - I know I could not have reached this place without a lot of work and help. But I promise once you do, transformation is possible.
Also know that I cannot and should not, categorically declare any relationship as healthy, unhealthy, or otherwise if I don’t have details about the relationship. But I can point to the behaviors and patterns that create a healthy relationship, vs the ones that will create dis-ease within the couple. More than anything else, I want to stir up your inner wisdom and guide so that you can assess yours as accurately as possible.
WHAT IS A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP?
Generally speaking, a healthy relationship is one where two people are behaving healthy within it. An unhealthy one is when they are not. I will outline these behaviors later on in this essay.
It’s important to note that what is healthy for one couple is not necessarily healthy for another. That’s why no one should categorically define another’s relationship when they don’t actually know the couple, or are unaware of what goes on behind closed doors, which is often the case.
For example, there are some couples who can work together. They’re business partners as well as lovers which means they’re in close proximity to each other almost all the time, leaving very little, if any, distance between them. For other couples, they thrive with periodic spurts of physical distance, so working and living together will cause a myriad of problems.
Some couples live very independent lives from one another, whereas others do not. The truth is, both dynamics could work and both could present major issues. It’s my belief that having a life outside of your relationship is extremely beneficial, and therefore very healthy and necessary. How much of a life you have outside of it however, depends on your agreement with your lover. As long as you both are satisfied and content with the amount of time you devote to one another, then it works.
Another example is sex life. Some couples genuinely thrive with very little sex. Yes, its true. It depends on the nature of the people involved which may be related to age, but it most certainly can include other factors. Other couples do not thrive with little sex and passion. They may cope and get along fine without it, but “cope” and “fine” can quickly morph into dissatisfaction and feeling insignificant.
Let's take three couples who’s sex life has begun to plummet and all three are feeling the negative effects of little to no passion:
Couple A: They have a loving relationship with a strong foundation but are stuck in a routine mentality which prevents them from having the passion that they both crave. Because of their mutual respect for one another, they discuss it openly and decide to take measures in order to increase passion.
Couple B: Their lack of passion is indicative of a much larger issue which centers on an inability to communicate with one another effectively. The lack of passion may lead to a lack of attraction for one or both of them. Instead of addressing the deficits in their marriage, they close to one another. They’ll seek to fulfill themselves outside of the marriage through over working, spending time with others more than they want to, or perhaps having an affair of some sort.
Couple B is at risk of “Learned Helplessness” - this is when thoughts such as “what’s the point” and “I don’t need it anyway” prevail.
Couple C: They have a solid foundation but instead of addressing their issue, they’d rather blame it on being a parent, or on being super busy with work, or on the fact that they have been together a long time. They know they should do something about it, but ‘whatever, they’ll deal with it another time’. They choose blaming circumstance over taking action.
What you’ll notice in all three examples is that the issue isn't really about the absence of sex, but rather the absence of communication about it. Couple A deals with their issue in a very healthy manner. Couple B is struggling and isn't healthy. If they decided to get help and were willing to invest in their relationship, they could get healthy. If they aren’t willing, the relationship will turn toxic. (I will explore toxicity as you read on)
Couple C is generally healthy, but they’re not addressing their issue in a way that fosters closeness and intimacy. If they let it go on for too long, both parties will eventually feel dissatisfied. A note on dissatisfaction: It is perfectly normal to go through short bouts of this in your relationship and life in general. It becomes problematic and unhealthy when it leads to being consistently unfulfilled.
THE 3 C’S OF HEALTHY: Communication, Collaboration, Curiosity.
Communication:
In a world of tech and social media, communication has morphed into this “thing” we do when we want to get a message out. Before the tech explosion, however, stellar communication was defined by being a clear articulator and a strong debater. In the world of intimacy though, debate is a losing strategy and “getting your message across” has very little to do with being articulate. In relationship, communication has 1 primary purpose: To create more closeness. If your communication isn't strengthening the connective tissue between you and your partner, then it’s not good communication. This is put to the test most during arguments when the purpose of communication must become: REPAIR.
Important tip: When you villainize your partner, you victimize yourself. There is little room for repair in this scenario.
A note on clarity: Clear, articulate communication is imperative when discussing plans, schedules, children’s schedules etc. Without it, family systems start to break down.
The main principles of highly skilled communication (particularly in the repair process) are:
You listen with the intent to understand: This means you are fully present and are NOT planning a rebuttal as someone is speaking.
Application of positive intent: You acknowledge to yourself as well as verbally to your lover that you know their intention was not to harm you. You refuse to see your partner as a villain, and thus refuse to see yourself as his or her victim.
You take full responsibility for your perceptions. You admit that your POV is based on perception and therefore you could be wrong.
Try saying “you’re right”.
You take full responsibility for hurting your loved one EVEN IF that was not your intention and you don't even understand how it hurt them. All you need to know is that feelings are hurt.
Heartfelt apology: This is when you sincerely express your regret and shame for hurting someone you love.
Vulnerability: You share your fears and emotions in a non accusatory way.
You create a safe space for someone to be vulnerable with you: this means you are present with a warm and loving physiology, you listen, and you recognize the sacredness of someone opening to you.
Collaboration:
Collaboration is an important aspect of functional, healthy relationships. In my previous example of when a couple’s sex life declines, Couple A showed a collaborative effort in discussing their sex life. Meaning, they decided to take measures to handle their issue. Think of it this way: In many ways, a relationship is a (love) project. One that only grows and evolves with the participation of all involved. Without a collaborative spirit, the project will most likely come to a halt.
Curiosity:
When we approach our partner with curiosity, we will see an endless and exciting mystery. When we don’t, we’ll be looking at the same lunch we’ve had for too many days in a row.
When we look at our own lives with curiosity, there is little room for ruts and apathy. The world really does become our oyster with the magic of curiosity driving our attitude. Conversely, a lack of curiosity will lead to our spirit’s demise. And a dead spirit leads to a dead relationship.
Stay curious about yourself and your partner and watch how this leads to healthier thoughts, behaviors and actions within your lives together and apart.
RESPECT AND TRUST:
Without respect and trust, a relationship is not healthy. Period. Anyone who we mistreat in any way we do so because we do not respect them - at least in that moment. That being said, is it possible to feel disrespected even though someone had no intention or clue that they were disrespecting you? YUP. This is why it is very important that you don’t start throwing around the words “unhealthy” and “toxic” so freely when describing your own experience or anyone else’s. There’s often more to a story. For example, isn't it true that some people feel disrespected when their partner is 5 minutes late to dinner? Does that mean the relationship lacks respect? I mention this because when investigating the impact of respect on a relationship, its vital that you’re aware of the “rules” you have about how others “should” behave that is based on conditioning vs the standard you hold yourself and others to so that you aren’t mistreated. It might be a good idea to write down a list of all the things that make you feel disrespected in a relationship and then review it with a close, trusted friend to be sure that you stay grounded.
Healthy relationship tip: have a conversation with your partner so you can exchange your views on what respect means to each of you.
Here's a general list of what I have found to be a good barometer for respect in a relationship:
You listen to one another: This means you don’t dismiss POVs, consistently interrupt, talk over, or ignore your spouse when they are talking to you. Instead, you care about what they have to say.
You honor each other’s perspective of life: You don’t try to persuade or manipulate in order to change your partner.
You honor your partner’s boundaries, and teach your partner what your boundaries are so that they can do the same for you.
You accept them for who they are, and when you think they are off base, you tell them free of criticism and blame.
You honor their feelings, and never make them feel crazy or uncool for having them.
You never harm in any way intentionally.
You own your part.
You pay special attention to their needs - especially the ones that are unique to them. You do your absolute best to meet their needs.
You speak highly of them to others.
When you are not with your partner and in the company of others, you do not behave in a way that would undermine your partners place in your life.
You honor your relationship. When you respect your bond, you respect the other. And vice versa.
TRUST:
We all know that without trust, a relationship is in trouble. Once we break it, it becomes very difficult to restore it, however not impossible by any stretch. I’ve seen couples come back from the edge of infidelity with dedicated work.
Trust leads to security in a relationship, and therefore without trust, there is no security. We all need to feel safe and secure in our relationship in order to relax and open. We need to trust that if we fight, there is enough foundation for the relationship to withstand it. We need to trust our partner to not intentionally harm us physically, emotionally or psychologically. We need to feel trusted by our partner in order to feel important to them. We need to trust them with their word, to show up, and to have our back.
Trust is a non negotiable in any healthy relationship, but if you’re struggling with trust issues inside your relationship, then you must examine whether it is based on evidence or just emotional baggage that hasn't been let go of.
A note on fear of abandonment: If this is your fear, than you’ve likely experienced betrayal and loss in childhood and /or in your past relationships. This will lead to trust issues that will often have very little to do with your partner. Keep the communication free flowing with your partner about your difficulties with trust, and be sure you have a professional to talk to so you can work through it.
HEADS and BODIES:
A relationship cannot withstand the pressure of two people always living in their heads, specifically when it comes to each other.
We all get stuck in our heads - it’s called stress. When it comes to our stress levels, we can’t just wish it away. Instead, we have to proactively take our mental health into our own hands and routinely practice rituals such as meditation, rest and exercise in order to stay grounded and as appreciative of life as we possibly can. But remember when I said that a relationship’s health is determined by how healthy each person is behaving within it? If two people are not taking their emotional health seriously, then their relationship will suffer. In fact, if even 1 person is not, then the relationship will suffer. Every single one of us must take our relationship to stress very seriously if we want to have highly functional and fulfilling relationships.
Another way living in one’s head is very damaging to a relationship’s health is in the stories people make up about one another. In unhealthy dynamics, couples make up narratives filled with disempowering assumptions and conclusions. When they are hurt, angry or frustrated, these couples will get stuck in the blame game in lieu of having a skilled conversation. They’ll convince themselves that the other person had a specific motive to harm and will get lost in a long winded script of how things went down, what the other person was thinking/feeling, and what it all means. In other words, instead of applying positive intent - which is the assumption they did not intend to harm, they apply negative intent, which is the assumption that this person did intend to hurt.
None of us are immune from getting stuck in story telling. But when it’s indulged, it becomes a pattern, and when this pattern becomes the story of your relationship, its indicative that issues around respect and trust need your attention. To be clear, this is a very unhealthy pattern but not one that cannot be overcome with the willingness of the couple to overcome it. As corny as this probably reads, the antidote to living in your head is to connect to your body, namely your heart. The moment you find yourself in story mode, immediately interrupt the tale and connect to a deeper fuller breath. Bring some awareness in such as “I’m getting stuck in a story here and I need to stop and instead have a conversation.” Then ask yourself, if you were to hold your partner in a positive light - if you were to respond from your heart rather than to react from your head, would you still see a monster in your lover?
This. Is. Critical. Big time. Why? Because the moment you interrupt that pattern is the moment you give your relationship the chance to get healthy, or healthier. You deserve this.
CONNECTION, GROWTH AND CONTRIBUTION:
What if a couple valued connecting to one another more than being right? What if giving love was more important to someone than getting it? What if they valued growing together and individually more than their routines?
I began this essay by writing that no one can categorically diagnose a relationship as healthy or unhealthy without knowing key details about the couple. However, I can say that if you want to make your current or future relationship as healthy as possible, you must value connection, contribution and growth more than you value being right, feeling significant, and the certainty of what your habits and routines give you. It’s not that feeling significant, routines, and even being right once and while aren’t needed - they are. But when their importance overrides the rest, you will definitely run into many problems, ranging from boredom, dull passion, insecurity, bickering and more.
10 HABITS/PATTERNS OF A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP:
Below is a list I’ve come up with based on years of research and observation. Is there more I could add to the list? Sure. But I wanted to come up with the 10 that I’ve found to be the most foundational and important - in no particular order. I want to reassure you that just because you may not have every habit on this list does NOT mean you are in an unhealthy relationship. Nonetheless, I encourage you to celebrate the ones you do, and to work on the ones you don’t. Either way, I hope it inspires you take action one way or another.
Creating positive memories: A healthy relationship has a stacking of more positive moments and memories than it has negative. Not every memory should be expected to be dripping in rainbows and lollipops, but a relationship truly needs more happy ones than negative ones. The couple commits to spending quality time together: Their relationship, regardless of whether or not they have kids, is the priority. They nurture it. They feed it. They water it and take care of it because there is an innate understanding that without the nourishment of their attention, their relationship will die.
Accountability: each person is 100 percent accountable for the amount of dysfunction and emotional baggage they bring to the relationship. They commit to their emotional fitness, which includes stress management and pursuing things in life that give them joy, peace, and purpose. Each person recognizes that they must take care of themselves in order to show up for their partner. Additionally, they understand that it takes TWO to make a relationship thrive. They promptly apologize when wrong and take ownership for their part - they admit they have a part - good, and bad, in the relationship.
Warmth: They are warm to each other. They treat each other better than they treat others, and this warmth shows how special they are to one another. The opposite of this is cold, and we all know how that is and feels.
Freedom and Security: They feel both free and secure in the relationship. This can be a tricky thing to navigate when dealing with anxious and avoidant attachment styles. If you’re avoidant, then you take full responsibility for that (#2) and work on your emotional baggage here. Same holds true if you are more anxiously attached. The truth is that a healthy, thriving relationship requires that both people feel free and secure and give freedom and certainty to the other. Control and suffocation are not part of a heathy relationship. Nor are heightened degrees of insecurity. We all need space to be individuals and we all need to know it is safe to be ourselves inside of the relationship. (more on this in #7)
Communication: Healthy couples value communication as a top priority in their relationship. This means that they will go to whatever means necessary (personal development, therapy, coaching) in order to learn how to communicate more effectively if needed. They don't expect to read to each other’s minds.
Needs:: Their partner’s needs are as important to them as their own. This is crucial as one of the criteria for an unhealthy relationship is to always focus on yourself and your needs, and not on what your partner needs. The relationships/couples you admire you do so partly because you’re witnessing an exchange of selflessness that goes both ways.
Acceptance: Those in healthy relationships create safe spaces for their loved one to be flawed, vulnerable, fearful or angry. We all have baggage and issues. In healthy dynamics, both people own their “stuff” AND honor each other’s “stuff”. They recognize that no one is perfect and they fundamentally accept each other, including the less desirable traits. There is no risk of being a door mat here because accountability (#2) makes that impossible. These couples have each other’s back which will at times include being honest when they think their partner is off track in any way. The partner “off track” listens without defensiveness because they value their lover’s opinion, and because they know it is an emotionally safe environment.
Trust and Respect. #7 is closely linked to this, as acceptance has a huge impact on the both trust and respect. Also refer to the previous section on “trust and respect”. Think boundaries, emotional safety, freedom to be who you are - flawed and unique.
Growth: A healthy couple encourages and supports growth in one another: Each person wants to grow, and even wants their spouse to inspire them grow. They realize that anything that doesn't grow dies and they value maturing together as a team, but also individually. They are each others cheerleaders, so to speak.
Attunement: These couples are attuned to each other emotionally, which requires a large degree of presence. They are aware of each others’ circadian rhythms, moods, menstrual cycles (when applicable) fears, joys, and more.They can sense when the other is “off” and are sensitive to it which means they will try to be of help within the confines of the other person's boundaries. (sometimes when we feel off, we like space. In skillful communication #5, that person would warmly explain that they’re feeling off and just needs a little alone time, for example)
10 HABITS AND PATTERNS OF AN UNHEALTHY RELATIONSHIP:
Below is a list of what I’ve come to believe as the 10 most fundamentally unhealthy patterns in a relationship. As with the previous list, I’m sure that more could be added. They are in no specific order, and again I want to reassure you that even if you identify with parts of this list, it does not necessarily mean your relationship is unhealthy. But, it does mean that there’s work to be done if you want to improve the quality of your relationship. If you have a majority from this list, and very few from the previous one, then some soul searching and guidance is strongly suggested.
Little to no accountability: Relationships need accountability to thrive, and accountability needs to be practiced by BOTH people. A relationship can survive but in no way will flourish unless both people are accountable for the baggage and dysfunction they bring to the relationship. In unhealthy dynamics, the blame game is played - a lot. One or both people rarely take responsibility, rarely if ever apologizes sincerely, and often blames and criticizes the other person. BUT: here’s where it gets tricky: The above describes toxic behavior (more on that coming up) but a person who isn't fully accountable is not necessarily toxic at all. We are all guilty of not owning our part - of believing the other person is the problem, of thinking we are the victim, and of desperately wanting the other to change. All of this is points to a lack of accountability that can be healed and therefore can heal an unhealthy dynamic in a couple.
Negative memories: A couple in an unhealthy dynamic is not committed to creating as many positive memories as possible through nourishing the relationship: They believe that the relationship is something separate from them - that it ‘should just be easy’ and exist well on it’s own. They aren’t proactive about planning experiences where they can connect with one another. This also manifests as: getting stuck in routines and the comfort of the relationship and failing to create some excitement like the beginning of the relationship. They may also be unwilling to get help if they need it. They could also be in “learned helplessness” where they see ‘no point in trying anymore’. If this is the case, then you need help or you need to split.
Coldness: When someone is on their best behavior with strangers, coworkers and friends whilst they bring their stressed, distant, lame energy home, this is an absence of warmth, and it is a problem. This also looks like: being distant, disengaging emotionally from the relationship, stonewalling, shutting down, ignoring one another. We all know what its like to be cold and to receive coldness from someone else. Enough said.
Little Freedom and Security: When the fear of losing someone becomes overwhelming, we run the risk of holding them hostage emotionally. Our addiction to certainty prevents freedom in a relationship. By freedom I mean: the freedom to grow, explore new things, change, and be our authentic selves. We need both freedom and security, but your security cannot come at the expense of someone else's freedom. If it does, it won’t work. Unhealthy relationships also don’t have enough security: 1 or both often feel: punished, blamed, or criticized for their flaws, feelings, and beliefs. They often have to walk on egg shells. Some will feel suffocated, unable to express themselves and to live their lives. Please note: (sometimes one will feel suffocated in a relationship because of their own baggage/trauma and fears around intimacy. If these issues are not accounted for with a commitment to seek help, then the relationship is headed to unhealthy land.)
Communication lack: This looks like: frequent misunderstandings, blaming, debating, text arguments, bickering, stonewalling, shutting down, living in their heads. The living in ones head as described earlier leads to lack of presence. Communication simply does not work if the couple is not being attentive and present with one another. Presence and attention is much more than physical proximity and looking at someone. It’s the refusal to be elsewhere in your mind and your energy. *Note: More than the lack of communication skills, it is the refusal to admit their deficit in skill, and an unwillingness to seek help to improve it that is at the core of the dysfunction.
They Put Themselves First: Here’s the paradox: We all must focus on ourselves so that we can show up for our relationship as whole as possible. But our needs cannot be all that matters if we’re going to be in a healthy relationship. Love is about giving. Not because you're fearful or a pleaser, but because you want to give. Immature unhealthy relationships are where one or both people obsess about their own needs and never consider how well or not well they are meeting their lover’s needs.
Trust and Respect Deficit: They don’t have each others back: They don’t create the safe space (trust) for their partner to feel heard especially when hurt, fearful or angry. They’re often harsh critics instead of being supportive. They also fail to lovingly express when they think their spouse is off track in life. One or both people don't feel comfortable sharing their feelings, thoughts or opinions because of the threat of defensiveness, stonewalling, blame, or judgement. If you don’t feel safe to be yourself with your partner, then you don't trust them to accept you. As you can see, trust extends well beyond infidelity, cheating and lying. It includes the basic loyalty of being there for your partner and knowing that your partner is there for you. When you respect your partner, it means you honor their boundaries, values, beliefs (even if you don't agree with some of them you still respect their right to have the belief).
Boundary Issues: Both having no boundaries as well as having too strong of ones (walls) block intimacy. Often when people really struggle here, they vacillate between the two. *Note: I need to firmly clarify that how we navigate our boundaries is a work in progress for every single one of us. There's no 1 size fits all here - the boundary we need for a family member might be very different than the one we need for a friend or a partner*. But without a clear delineation of what we need and what we’ll tolerate/not tolerate, it’s very difficult to maintain healthy intimacy, and without intimacy, no relationship is healthy. Either way, healthy, flexible yet firm boundaries are necessary. And they can morph and change as you change and grow. The relationship needs to allow space for this, and clear communication about it.
Tit for Tat Mentality: I’ll do this for you, if you do this for me. You did it so that means I can do it too. 50/50 intimacy. The mild version of this can be workable in a marriage, but certainly won't lead to growth and fulfillment. At its extreme, it’s selfish, overly protective and immature. True intimacy needs 100/100. Both people go the extra mile (maybe at different times depending) and no one is keeping tabs. If you do think you need to keep tabs, then that is a strong indication that you aren’t getting what you need. Why you aren’t getting what you need is a different conversation but either way, the need to keep tabs is not a good sign and begs your attention.
Misalignment of Values and Beliefs: When a couple is misaligned in their values and beliefs it doesn't exactly mean “unhealthy”. However, it does mean that they’re probably not right for each other. If they ignore this because of lust, children, or fear of being alone and the unknown, then their relationship will inevitably become very unhealthy. A couple does not have to share all the same beliefs and values - that would be boring. But the core ones have to align. For example, if you value fun, new experiences and growth, and your partner values comfort and routine, you’ll have a hard time. If you believe life is a journey and your partner believes life is a struggle, you might have problems. If your partner values family and you value freedom more than you do family, then that’ll propose issues as well. Same goes for beliefs around money and lifestyle. *Introverts and extroverts can have an amazing marriage as long as they have enough of everything else is alignment and they practice #4 and #7 in the list of healthy habits.
I would suggest reading these lists a few times and circling the ones that need your attention, or if single, the ones that have historically come up as issues in your relationships. Equally important, take note of the ones from list 1 that you do well! It’s crucial that you focus on what is right in your relationship. In fact, another habit I’ll mention that’s epidemically seen in unhealthy relationships is the habit of only focusing on what is wrong. Of course issues demand attention if you’re going to be happy, but unless you’re in a very dire situation, the survival of your partnership depends on your focus. Where focus goes, all your energy goes.
Some other habits that are worth mentioning on the healthy side:
Sense of humor/not taking things so seriously
Ability to let go - no grudge holding
Forgiveness
Saying “you’re right”, “I hear you”
Appreciation for one another
Strong Friendship
And some more on the unhealthy side:
Hyper focus on the negative
Too serious/can’t have a laugh
Grudge holding/can’t move on from disagreements
No words or gestures of affirmations.
At the core of all the lists is INTIMACY. Every principle I share points to a pattern that either fosters intimacy or thwarts it. When you read closely, you’ll identify virtues such as honesty, loyalty, generosity, patience and integrity within the subtext. The 3 Cs are in there too. So are independence, codependence, and interdependence.
TOXIC RELATIONSHIPS:
As you probably are aware, it’s extremely common to use “unhealthy” and “toxic” interchangeably when describing just about anything, particularly relationships. I think this is a misuse of language. No doubt, anything toxic is unhealthy. But not everything unhealthy is actually toxic.
Toxic, as defined in various dictionaries, is poison. Another synonym is venom.
When a food such as oil is RANCID, it underwent an oxidative process that changed the chemistry of the fats. This breakdown in its biology makes the oil unfit for eating, and if it is consumed, will lead to digestive problems and will likely add to the toxic stress in our bodies. In other words, when something is rancid, it’s spoiled.
A Toxic relationship is spoiled. Its rancidity is poisonous to your entire system, and the only antidote to the venomous hold it has on your psyche, emotions, and physiology is to end the relationship.
The key difference between an unhealthy relationship and a toxic one is that in some cases, an unhealthy relationship can get healthy. A toxic one has reached the point of no return. And no amount of denial or fear is going to change that.
If you take all the habits from the unhealthy list and amplify them to the umpteenth degree, you have toxicity. If you take just 1 of the unhealthy habits and amplify it to the point that it feels all encompassing, it’s a very unhealthy situation that could very well be toxic.
When a strong enough toxin hits our bodies especially for a period of time, we’ll experience symptoms of disease. When you feel trapped by a toxic relationship, it’ll feel like your soul is sick.
Your body in a toxic relationship:
I’ve been in unhealthy dynamics before, but I can only point to one toxic relationship. I share this because I know how it feels on a chemical level. The pain cuts deeper than our hearts and guts. Its sting surpasses the jaw, neck, head and spine. The pain penetrates on a cellular level and on a soul level. Its spiritual pain. It’s the anguish of knowing that no matter how hard you try to hide under the heavy blanket of denial, you are not in a good situation - at all. It’s the undeniable ache of when you allow someone to invade your reality and distort your perception of yourself. It’s the suffering of self-abandonment.
In extremely unhealthy and toxic relationships you may experien
excessive fatigue
body aches
no motivation
intense stress
dizziness
digestive stress
depression
anxiety
crying a lot
weakness
insomnia
SELF-ESTEEM:
There are two levels of self-esteem that contribute to dysfunctional relationships: Low and grandiose. To be clear, if you’re human, you struggle with your value. We all do on some level and in some areas of life. But chronically low self-esteem is different. It means that you don’t really accept yourself for who you are and because of that, you don’t feel worthy of true love or of receiving abundance. Low self-esteem in a relationship is: ‘I will only focus on you at the expense of me’. Someone with really low self-esteem will ignore their values in order to get crumbs of love - in fact, they believe that crumbs are enough for them. Often, a person with very low self-esteem won’t even be aware of how low it is because their relationship center of gravity is: ‘my needs don't matter.’ In other words, they’re used to it. This is a dangerous place to be in.
Loving from this place of low worth is unhealthy because it increases one chances to abandon themselves in a desperate attempt to not feel abandoned by their lover. They’ll often forfeit all their power over to love interests, including the power to decide who they are. They’ll believe other’s judgements of them. If criticized, they’ll automatically believe the criticism to be the Truth. Remember, healthy couples give constructive feedback to each other lovingly. Criticism when abused, is abuse. It’s a form of control and mind games.
If low self-esteem is believing everyone (or at least your partner) is above you, then grandiosity is the belief that you are better than everyone else (or your partner). By better I mean: always right, smarter, healthier, wiser, better looking, and so on. Narcissists, or those with narcissistic tendencies fall into this category. But rest assured, grandiosity is also found in regular run of the mill selfishness as well. (Please note that the term “narcissist” is gravely overused these days and just because someone may be a selfish person does not necessarily make them a clinical narcissist.) Grandiosity is: ‘my needs are more important than yours’. When you're grandiose, you believe that you deserve to call the shots in the relationship, and that you in fact know more about your partner’s inner world than they do of their own.
Low self-esteem and grandiose self-esteem often find each other and when they do, it’s a toxic combination.
Moreover, a healthy relationship requires that both people have well functioning levels of self-esteem.
As previously mentioned, the 10 habits of unhealthy relationships are also habits in a toxic one, just magnified. But there are more signs that I need to make you aware of:
Abuse: any physical, verbal and emotional abuse is toxic. Physical is obvious. Verbal abuse includes: name-calling, put-downs, sarcasm (that isn't part of the couple’s sense of humor code). Emotional abuse includes: gas lighting, stone walling, manipulation, controlling mind games, lying and stealing.
Substance abuse: if 1 or both people have untreated substance abuse problems, then toxicity will most likely be an issue.
Estrangement: It’s common for those in relationship with toxic people to stop spending time with family and friends. The couple will often cocoon themselves off from the world. This is mostly seen when someone is under the controlling, manipulative and narcissistic spell of their partner.
Fights: Constant fighting, often escalating to a point where 1 or both people are consistently having to “apologize” for “saying those things”. A ton of text fights.
Feelings of: hatred, disgust, and contempt for your partner.
Feeling “addicted” to your partner: The very nature of addiction is that we feel powerless to stop a behavior/habit that we know is bad for us.
Inadequacy: 1 or both experience persistent feelings of inadequacy and not being enough for their partner: This could be because 1 or both cheat, are checked out, act cold, and/or are completely emotionally and physically unavailable to one another.
Desperation: One feels desperate to keep the relationship even though they’ve had to sacrifice their needs, values, and dreams. One will often plea with their partner to change or stay. What I always say is: Stop trying to shake sense into someone hoping that they’ll magically transform into the partner you desperately need. This isn’t fair. This is how you play a role in the dysfunction. In the toxic cycle. Instead, this is when you set them free. And YOU.
Intensity and Scarcity: the relationship is based almost solely on sexual chemistry because there really isn't any trust and emotional intimacy. Lust without the balance of trust, respect, and availability is complete turmoil. Turmoil = Toxic.
If you’re in a toxic situation:
GET OUT. I know how completely overwhelming that feels. I really do. The reason why it’s so daunting is because your self worth is at an all time low, and you’ve convinced yourself that this person is all there is for you. You’ve hypnotized yourself into believing that life without them - aka the unknown - is scary and dark and horrible. But if you’re truly in a toxic situation, you already are in a scary, dark and horrible place even if you lie to yourself daily and numb yourself out from feeling the gravity of the situation. If you care about this person, you won’t continue to hold him or her hostage. If you care about yourself, you won’t continue to stay.
And don’t think you need to do it alone. Get help in the form of family, friends, therapists, coaches, yoga, meditation. Get all the help you need to figure it all out.
Trust me, the pain of continuing is long term suffering. The pain from finally breaking up however, is short term, Choose the short term pain - rip the bandaid off quickly. Your soul depends on it. Your life and your future depends on it. And if you have kids, your kids emotional well-being depends on it.
A note to parents: the way you and your spouse relate to each other is your child’s education in relationship. The cultural hypnosis is that divorce destroys kids. No. It’s the dirty fighting, the coldness, and the utter lack of communication and intimacy that does. Do not stay together for your child unless you commit to each other to improve your relationship. Your child picks up on every single thing that’s invisible to the eye and yet felt in the body: energy. Arguments are a natural part of healthy relationship, so don’t stress over that. Its about showing your kids what it is to repair. There are arguments, and then there is the day in and day out absence of warm gestures that a child sees and feels. The latter is much worse.
I share this not to shame you, but to fire you up to change. If your kid is young enough to live in the home with you, It is not too late to get help and show collaboration and grace in dealing with your issues.
How To Recover After A Toxic and/or Unhealthy Relationship:
The relationship is over, now what??
I remember when I was 29 years old I was in an emotionally and verbally abusive relationship with a narcissist. When it ended, I had some pretty heavy lifting to do as far as emotional labor was concerned. I vividly recall thinking, “I can’t believe I allowed this”. And I couldn’t. My previous relationship was healthy. I regarded myself as a strong young woman. But I had to fully accept the fact that I went there - I went down the icky cavernous hole with someone who gravely mistreated me and I allowed it. I even thought I loved him. Classic text-book toxic relationship hell. But lemme tell you, the acceptance was how I healed because it was what lead me to become accountable.
I am not a toxic person but my ex most certainly was. I could go on and on about how I was psychologically victimized, and none of it would be lies. But, if you want to recover - that is, fully move on with all your pieces in tact after a harsh relationship, then you must get real about your part. I allowed the behavior. I engaged in awful fights under the guise of standing up for myself. So I had to look deeply into myself and figure out WHY. I also needed to know that I was capable of this, so I had to watch my own back moving forward. Then I made two decisions: ‘This is a lesson’ and, ‘Never Again.’ And I stuck to that promise.
If you’re in recovery from a painfully unhealthy/abusive/toxic relationship, then you owe it to yourself to own your part. It’s the only way. It will protect you from your denial and blame. And then FORGIVE yourself and move forward with the lesson learned. You will be OK. it happens to the best of us
There you have it.
This subject is my obsession and has been for decades. Relationship is the most direct portal into our pasts, our emotions, and our bodies, but mostly it is through relationship that we learn how to be closer to ourselves. I could take any section of this essay and go down the rabbit hole, and perhaps I will. I’ll probably look at this in a week, a month, and a year and cringe at not having added more detail here and there. But for now, this is enough.
Just know that the single most powerful question one can ask when evaluating any aspect of their relationship is, “What Is My Part?”
If you’re willing to ask this of yourself, then you have a chance of transforming your relationship destiny.
