Toxic Relationship - What Are the Signs and What Can You Do?
Everyone wants their relationships to be healthy. In a healthy relationship, you feel safe and secure. The relationship works. Sure, you may disagree from time to time. But, you are able to communicate honestly and openly about your needs and feelings with your partner. And you openly discuss any problems that may arise.
However, not all relationships are healthy relationships. In an unhealthy relationship, the chances are you do not feel safe and secure. A toxic relationship will make you feel drained and unhappy. Toxic relationships bring out the worst in both parties. They can also be damaging to your mental, emotional and even physical health.
Signs of relationship toxicity include:
A lack of trust
Controlling behaviors
Toxic communication
Resentment
Dishonesty
This can lead to:
Constant stress
A feeling of walking on eggshells
Feeling guilty
Ignoring your own needs
All of which are damaging both personally and to the relationship you are in.
Once can identify whether or not a relationship is toxic, by identifying possible red flags and toxic behaviors. Only then are you able to move forward. This could mean you leave the relationship, or you spend time working together to fix the relationship.
What is a Toxic Relationship?
Just because you are unhappy in a relationship doesn’t necessarily mean the relationship is toxic. You may simply not be well suited rather than being with a toxic person.
There are also multiple types of toxic relationships. It is not just romantic relationships that can be toxic. You could have a damaging relationship with co-workers, friends or family members as well.
While there is no strict definition, there are a number of useful explanations we can draw from to better understand what makes a relationship toxic.
A relationship is not healthy if it undermines your self esteem, or leaves you feeling drained, unhappy or anxious.
Controlling behaviors, such as a need to have their own way, refusing to accept blame or responsibility, lying, creating drama, passive aggression and jealousy, are also key indicators that your relationship is toxic.
Additionally, if you have to walk on eggshells this is a sure sign of toxicity. You may feel like you are unable to voice your concerns, talk about your needs, set boundaries and follow your own interests without causing drama in the relationship.
Unfortunately, a toxic relationship can quickly become an abusive relationship. Abusive relationships should be dealt with immediately, whether the abuse is verbal abuse, emotional abuse or physical abuse.
Physical violence is more than a sign of toxicity and outside help will often be required. The national domestic violence hotline is available to people with abusive partners and there are many other organizations that can help if you need to leave a toxic individual.
However, many signs of a toxic relationship are much more subtle than overt physical or verbal abuse and can be harder to spot. Any relationship that is dysfunctional, more often than it is healthy and functional, could be deemed a toxic relationship. With that in mind it is useful to understand the warning signs that your relationship could be toxic.
10 Signs Your Relationship Is Toxic
Lack of support
Lack of respect
Controlling behavior
Changes in self esteem
Unhappiness
Resentment
Losing or changing your relationships with other people
Not meeting your needs
They bring out the worst in you
You’re always to blame
Types of Toxic Relationship
When talking about toxic relationships, it is important to understand that there are many different types of toxic relationships.
You can be in a relationship with toxic people in all areas of your life. Romantic relationships or toxic marriages might be the bad relationships we think about most often. But, you might have toxic people amongst your family, friends or co-workers, that can be equally draining and damaging.
Coping With Toxic Relationships
Toxic relationships are not always avoidable. It can be very difficult to remove family members or friends from your life. Thus, in some cases, the best you can do is limit the amount of time you have to spend with toxic people and learn ways of coping when you do have to see them.
Important strategies for coping with unavoidable toxic relationships are building awareness, maintaining healthy boundaries and working on your own self-care.
Putting new boundaries in place can be challenging for both parties. But, once you get past the initial discomfort they can be hugely beneficial in helping you both move forward.
Can You Fix A Toxic Relationship?
Just because a relationship is toxic doesn’t mean it can’t be fixed or improved. After all, not all types of relationships are that easy to just leave, and while you may do well to leave some relationships others are worth working on.
The most important thing in fixing any relationship is that both parties need to want to change. Creating new healthy patterns will take work from both sides. You could see a marriage counselor or sex therapist but this will only work if both sides are on board and ready to take responsibility.
Fixing a broken relationship requires you to recognize where past behavior has damaged the relationship and move forward without blame. It requires compassion, understanding and time. Things that need to be available from both sides.
Understanding It Takes Two to Tango
It is important to recognize that in any relationship involving you, your words and actions matter as well. Unfortunately, most of us have been in some kind of relationship with a toxic individual. And we can carry the damage from this into other relationships without even realizing it.
For example, if you have had a previous relationship with a parent, partner or friend where you were made to feel guilty, or where there was a lack of trust, it can take work not to carry these triggers into future relationships.
Past trauma can become particularly obvious when you are in an argument. Even when you disagree you should be able to trust that your partner isn’t trying to hurt you. Listening to what they are actually saying and trying to understand from their perspective can be hard. Especially if you have not had that in previous relationships.
Equally, not having your expectations met can cause conflict in a relationship. Sometimes a toxic individual simply doesn’t care about what you want or need. But sometimes the issue is that you have not clearly communicated your desires. Certain people have a tendency to limit the communication of their needs and desires due to not having these needs met in past relationships, but not having your needs met can quickly lead to resentment.
Working on yourself and healing your own pain and trauma can have a huge impact on the health of current and future relationships with loved ones. Understanding your own triggers and being able to communicate with your partner is an important part of growing and healing. And taking responsibility for your actions is vital if you want to get a toxic relationship back on track.
Just remember that while working on yourself has the capacity to improve just about any area of your life, if the other person isn’t willing to do their own work, leaving may still be the only option. Especially if they physically abuse you or the relationship is negatively impacting your mental health.
How do You Leave a Toxic Relationship?
While every relationship is different, and in some instances, it may be worth working on repairing a toxic relationship, in many cases the best thing you can do is leave.
These tips can help make the process of leaving as easy and pain-free as possible.
Talk to friends and family about the relationship. Often we will hide relationship toxicity from loved ones but opening up and talking about what’s been happening means you will have their support.
Getting professional help and support can also be invaluable. Couple therapists can help you decide with your partner that ending the relationship is the right decision for both of you. Seeing your doctor can also be invaluable when coming out of a toxic or abusive relationship. They are well placed to be able to offer advice, diagnosis or treatment that you may require to help you heal.
Focus on looking after yourself. Take the time you need to heal and honor the need to rest and grieve.
The workbook Grit and Grace: 7 Steps to Survive Heartbreak offers a way to transform the pain of a breakup so you can heal your heart and become a stronger person.
