Ending Toxic Relationships and Why It Can be Hard
Recognizing you need to end a relationship is hard enough, but actually ending it can feel almost impossible. Especially when you are ending an unhealthy relationship with someone you love.
Toxicity can be found in relationships in any area of your life. The type of toxic relationship you are dealing with could be a romantic relationship, a toxic person at work, or toxic family relationships that can stem from childhood.
Toxic relationships can show in different forms. They may be codependent relationships, abusive relationships, or any relationship that leaves you feeling drained, anxious and constantly stressed.
No one wants to be in dysfunctional relationships, we all strive for a healthy relationship with our partners. Yet sometimes we end up in relationships that are toxic and have an adverse effect on our health and wellbeing.
When a relationship is toxic it is harmful. Physically abusive relationships are the most obvious example, but emotional abuse and verbal abuse can also cause long term damage and are often present in toxic relationships.
It is important to look out for signs of emotional abuse in your relationships with others. Signs of emotional abuse include:
Constant put downs and belittling behavior.
Always blaming you for problems in the relationship.
Isolation from family and friends.
Denying that there are problems.
Disregarding your feelings and needs.
Financial control as well as other controlling behaviors.
Jealousy and accusations such as accusing you of having an affair.
Constantly checking up on you and invading your privacy.
Abusive behavior, as well as other toxic relationship patterns, can result in a lack of confidence and self-esteem. Other effects include anxiety, difficulty controlling your emotions, guilt, shame and over compliance.
Being constantly on edge and feeling like you are walking on eggshells affects both your mental and physical health. Toxic relationships can also cause depression, insomnia, and chronic pain, all of which can make ending the relationship even harder.
Why Toxic Relationships are Hard to End
The chances are if you have googled “ending toxic relationships” then either you are in a toxic relationship yourself, or you care about someone who is. Recognizing the relationship is toxic is a huge step, but moving from denial to acceptance is only the beginning of the journey.
Leaving dysfunctional relationships can be hard for any number of reasons depending on the type of relationships you are dealing with, as well as personal factors such as finances, guilt and shame surrounding the relationship, illness, having children together, and fear of what will happen next.
You Love The Person
Despite the negative impact that toxic relationships can have on your health, financial independence, and confidence, there is also the fact that you loved or still love the toxic person.
Abusive relationships often start with a barrage of love forming a bond that is hard to break. It is well known that toxic people tend to seek out relationships with loving, open people who are willing to give more than most to make the relationship work.
Or perhaps the person in question is your parent or sibling, someone you’ve been taught you should love your whole life. Breaking ties with a toxic parent or other family members can be just as hard if not harder than leaving a romantic partner. In this case, there is a whole lifetime of guilt and shame to deal with, not to mention the fact that we often feel we are expected to love our family and maintain relationships with them.
Sometimes in these situations it can help to remind yourself that toxic people rarely change, meaning the pain and suffering they are causing is unlikely to go away. There should be no guilt or shame in prioritizing your own wellbeing. Working with a therapist can help you work through these issues.
You Share Children
Sharing children can make ending toxic relationships especially hard. Not only is it often not practical or even possible to stop contact. But, as a parent, you want to make sure that the child’s best interests are prioritized.
Planning and preparation are key, especially when children are involved. Plus, you need to make sure you are able to support them moving forward. You can also plan how you will set boundaries to protect yourself and your children from future toxicity after you leave.
It can help to surround yourself with as many people as possible who are able to support both you and your child. And remember that moving forward and modeling a healthy relationship is much better for child development than growing up surrounded by toxicity.
You’re Scared of What Happens Next
Leaving a relationship is scary. Even a toxic one that’s damaging, to the point of affecting your brain health or resulting in chronic pain.
The fear could be connected to being on your own, not having a place to live, not having enough money, or, particularly in the case of codependent relationships, worrying about the other person.
One of the impacts of being in a toxic relationship is that you can end up relying on that person far more than you would in a healthy relationship. Toxic relationships can undermine your other relationships with friends and family which reduces your support network. And they can deplete your confidence, leaving you feeling anxious and unworthy of anything better.
Many people wanting to end toxic relationships are also fearful of the repercussions. These repercussions can be extreme, particularly if there is a history of violence or verbal abuse. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is available to offer help and advice.
Leaving a toxic relationship, according to almost every person you speak to, will make your life better in the long run. But that doesn’t mean it’s not a terrifying prospect. Especially if you are a shadow of the happy, confident person you used to be.
If you are scared of what will happen when you end the relationship the best thing you can do is make a plan and prepare yourself as best you can. Spend time with people you trust and tell them what is happening. Surround yourself with positivity as much as possible. Treat yourself to things that will boost your confidence and start the healing process.
You Worry About The Other Person
Relationships are complex, and as much as you may know you need to leave a relationship for your own health and wellbeing, you may be concerned about the impact ending the relationship will have on them.
If the person you are dealing with has a mental illness it can help to encourage them to seek medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. Knowing they are getting the medical advice, diagnosis and treatment they need can be a good way of dealing with any feelings of guilt you have about leaving the relationship.
Look After Yourself
Once you have made the decision to end a toxic relationship the most important thing you can do is to look after yourself and focus on your own healing process.
The workbook Grit and Grace: 7 Steps to Survive Heartbreak offers a way to transform the pain of a breakup so you can heal your heart and become a stronger person. It’s full of practical steps to help you heal and have more fulfilling adult relationships in future.
