How to Leave a Toxic Relationship - 10 Practical Steps
Ending any relationship is hard, even a healthy relationship. But ending a toxic relationship can be particularly difficult due to the controlling, manipulative and demeaning nature of toxic relationships. It can take an incredible amount of strength to leave a toxic relationship with dignity, at a time when you are likely to feel anything but strong.
Once you have recognized the relationship issues there are really only two options. Stay and try to fix the relationship, or leave. In abusive relationships, there is only one option. Leave. Although getting to the point of actually being able to leave abusive partners can be hugely challenging.
If the relationship is toxic without being abusive you may be able to try couples therapy or marriage counseling to improve communication and help you move forward towards a more healthy and happy relationship. However, couples counseling can only work if both partners are ready to embrace change and deal with their toxic behaviors.
As well as getting outside help, working on speaking up for yourself, improving communication, moving away from blame and setting boundaries can all help improve a relationship that has turned toxic. And even if you don’t fix the relationship, working on yourself in this way will improve your other interpersonal relationships.
Sadly many toxic people simply aren’t willing to change. They blame others for their toxic behaviors. And are more likely to make you feel guilty for challenging them than show willing to change. If this is the case the best thing you can do is work on yourself to heal your own negative patterns and prepare yourself to leave the relationship.
No matter where you are in the process, congratulate yourself on coming this far and hold on to the fact that ending your current relationship will make space for a new healthy relationship.
10 Practical Steps to End a Toxic Relationship
If you are looking to end a toxic relationship these practical steps can help you make the process as easy as possible and lead you towards healthy adult relationships that will inspire and uplift you in ways you never thought possible.
Recognize that the relationship is toxic.
Identify reasons you might not want to leave.
Work on Other Ways to Meet Your Needs.
Talk to people you trust and ask for their support.
Make sure you are financially prepared.
Prepare yourself for any negative backlash.
Break ties or limit contact.
Surround yourself with positivity.
Look after yourself.
Give yourself time to heal.
Recognize That The Relationship is Toxic
This is a huge step and not an easy one. But moving from denial to acceptance is the first step in leaving a toxic relationship.
Identify Reasons You Might Not Want to Leave
Relationships are rarely black and white and a decision to leave a toxic relationship is rarely simple. And, it can be helpful to identify the reasons you don’t want to leave as much as the reasons you do.
If you don’t want to leave because you won’t have a place to live or are worried you won’t be able to afford the same lifestyle, start looking into where you would stay and how much money you would need.
If you are worried about spending your evenings alone, reconnect with friends or start taking up new hobbies that will fill the time you previously spent with your partner.
We often fear change. But if you can write down on paper exactly what you are scared of losing, the chances are it will look a lot less scary than you first imagined.
Work on Other Ways to Meet Your Needs
Once you have identified the gaps that could be left if you end the toxic relationship you can work on yourself to find ways to fill them. The principle is the same whether you are leaving a romantic relationship, a job, or cutting ties with a family member.
Look at the benefits, real or perceived, of being in that relationship and find other ways of meeting those needs. A great place to start is by doing the things you love that your relationship stopped you from doing. This has the benefit of being a great way to remind yourself of how life can be good again.
And as mentioned above if there are practical issues such as a home, car, job, or childcare to think about, start planning now so when you leave you are prepared to take care of yourself.
Talk to People You Trust and Ask For Their Support
Making sure you talk to someone and let them know what you are planning to do is really important. This could be a friend and family relationship or a professional such as a counselor or therapist.
The chances are your friends have noticed that you’re not happy and will be happy that you have reached out to ask for help. When you spend time with the people you care about and surround yourself with positive relationships this can help you get rid of the fear of abandonment that often comes with ending a relationship.
Make Sure You Are Financially Prepared
This can be easier said than done. Especially if financial control has been part of the emotional abuse. But make sure you are able to survive financially without them as this will help give you the courage to leave.
Prepare Yourself For Any Negative Backlash
You know the person you are trying to leave better than anyone. If you are worried there may be physical or verbal abuse as a result of leaving the relationship, or that controlling behaviors may intensify, make sure you have the support you need in place to deal with that.
The national domestic violence hotline is a fantastic source of advice and support. National domestic violence volunteers have a wealth of knowledge about the support that is available. Plus many of them have been the victims of physical or emotional abuse themselves so they understand how hard it can be to leave.
Break Ties or Limit Contact
No contact is often the best way when you are leaving a toxic relationship. But if you have to have contact, for example, because you share a child, then find ways to limit contact and put boundaries in place that work for you.
Surround yourself with positivity
When everything has been really hard for a really long time simply surrounding yourself with positive people or spending time in the places you love can have a big impact. Getting a compliment from time to time or being able to communicate openly without fear can be transformational.
Look After Yourself
Making sure you take care of yourself is hugely important after leaving any relationship. Those coming out of toxic relationships, especially codependent relationships, may not have done this for some time. And reward yourself for having the strength and courage to remove yourself from harm.
Looking after yourself can also look like going to the doctor and seeking the medical advice, diagnosis or treatment you need to start to heal.
Give Yourself Time to Heal
Healing takes time. And the chances are you don’t just need to heal from the relationship you have left. Often we carry patterns from childhood. Unresolved guilt, shame or pain that we also need to heal before we can have the fulfilling adult relationships we deserve.
The workbook Grit and Grace: 7 Steps to Survive Heartbreak offers a way to transform the pain of a breakup so you can heal your heart and become a stronger person. It’s full of practical steps to help you heal and have more fulfilling adult relationships in future.
