How to Fix a Toxic Relationship and Recognize When You Can’t

If you look at the relationship memes and relationship advice online, it’s easy to imagine that any unhealthy relationship is a lost cause. However, while abusive relationships should be avoided at all costs, it is possible that your current relationship issues are fixable. So maybe you don’t have to give up on your relationship with your partner just yet.

Relationship issues are common in any type of relationship. Whether it’s family, friendship or a lover, relationship toxicity can creep in when healthy relationship boundaries are not set and maintained.

Sometimes a toxic relationship is doomed. But, if you can make space in the relationship for communication, you may be able to break toxic patterns, reassess your relationship goals and move back into a healthy relationship. This process can be helped by attending relationship counseling or employing the services of a relationship coach.

Just be aware, there are occasions when you just can’t make a toxic relationship healthy again. If you have a toxic partner they may not be willing to engage in the necessary activities, communication and self reflection required from both sides to make the relationship healthy.

Below we take a look at some strategies for breaking toxic patterns and fixing a toxic relationship. Including,  recognizing toxic behaviors in yourself and others, setting healthy boundaries, rebuilding healthy communication, focusing on yourself and seeking professional help.

Recognizing Toxic Behaviors

Most relationships go through the occasional rough patch. From time to time, emotional stress, issues with loved ones, problems at work or any number of other things start taking their toll. This can show up as relationship issues, especially after the initial honeymoon phase.

When you are in a relationship with someone, whether it’s married life or a relationship at work, you need to have healthy ways of dealing with issues that come up, including expressing anger and dealing with stress. If these things are not dealt with in a healthy way this is when a relationship can become toxic.

If you have to walk on eggshells, feel anxious, or are constantly fighting, here are some tips that could help to get you back on track.

Shift Perspective

One important factor in being able to fix a toxic relationship is the ability to shift away from blaming each other. Instead focus on understanding and learning from each other.

Resist the urge to express criticism, or blame the other person for how you are feeling. We all have a tendency to get defensive when we feel like we are under attack or on the back foot.

When we focus on who is to blame we shut down the possibility of fully understanding the situation and reduce our capacity to learn from it. Also, if you or your partner feel like you are always blamed, you are less likely to own your mistakes and accept responsibility for fear of reproach.

Setting Healthy Boundaries

One of the keys to any relationship is setting healthy boundaries. Some people really struggle to set boundaries, feeling like they are being selfish, or simply not being in touch enough with their feelings to understand what a healthy boundary would be.

People can also struggle to set boundaries if they have had their boundaries disrespected in the past.

Being able to set boundaries and know they will be upheld is an important step to fixing toxic relationships. Once in place, healthy boundaries help to maintain balance in a relationship and reduce the chances of conflict as both parties know what is expected of them. Without boundaries, it’s easy to feel drained or like your needs are not being met.

Rebuilding Healthy Communication

Effective communication is paramount for any relationship to work and even more vital when you are trying to change a negative behavior pattern.

If you have been walking on eggshells and avoiding uncomfortable conversations this is a sure sign that you need to work on your communication.

If communication has become an issue make sure you go into the conversation knowing exactly what your needs are and without feeling resentment towards your partner. You need to be willing to listen and understand their perspective as well as your own.

Focusing on Yourself

It might seem counter-intuitive, but focusing on yourself can be one of the best ways to improve your relationships with others. We’ve all heard the phrase “if you don’t love yourself, how can you expect anyone else to?”, and nowhere is this more true than in relationships that have turned sour.

One of the reasons relationships break down is that we have our boundaries crossed and that causes emotional stress. This might be because our partners have ignored the boundaries we’ve set or because we never actually articulated them in the first place. Whatever the reason, if your needs are consistently not being met, this leads to a breakdown of trust. And not only do you end up not trusting the other person but you can also stop trusting yourself.

If you have low self esteem or feel like you don’t deserve better treatment this is a sure sign that you need to learn to trust yourself again. And it’s well worth working on. When you trust yourself you are much better able to articulate your needs and ensure they are being met.

Focusing on yourself can also mean spending quality time alone. This allows you to connect with yourself and your feelings in a way that is not possible if you constantly have company.

When you spend time focusing on yourself you will get a better understanding of why issues are arising and take personal responsibility for any part you have played in conflict or toxic patterns. And as we all know, taking responsibility is key to moving forward.

Seeking Professional Help

If communication is difficult you may feel like you need someone to mediate when you are having difficult conversations. Couple therapy can be a valuable tool, both in fixing a relationship and seeing when it is over.

Sex and relationship counselors can also offer valuable insights and help you to see things from each others perspective. If physical intimacy is part of the problem you can see couple therapists that specialze in sex and intimacy. 

Alternatively, you may wish to see a personal therapist or even a life coach to help you decide what you want and work through your own personal issues so you are not bringing them into your relationships.

When a Toxic Relationship Can’t Be Fixed

The simple fact is, that unless both parties are willing to put in the time and effort required to rebuild the emotional connection and create healthy patterns of behavior, then things are unlikely to change.

In order to fix a toxic marriage or any other toxic relationship, you need a commitment from both sides to hold space for communication so each can understand how the other partner feels and rebuild the lack of trust that often builds up when a relationship turns toxic.

If the relationship ends up being unfixable I would recommend working through the workbook “Grit & Grace: 7 Steps to Survive Heartbreak.” This workbook will take you through 7 practical steps to help you heal mentally and emotionally. Reframing heartbreak and allowing you to move forward and enjoy healthy loving relationships in the future.