Whenever a person or a couple comes to me in need of help, the first thing we look at is how they are communicating with loved ones, or with each other. There are patterns to communication problems and although not everyone or every couple has the same one, these 6 communication “losing strategies” are the most common. When you engage habitually in any one of these with a partner - past, present, or future one, you will be practicing unskilled communication, and it won’t foster closeness nor yield resolution at all. In fact, it will weaken your relationship often to the point of break-up.

Strategy #1: DEBATE

This is the most common pattern there is when it comes to communication - or rather miscommunication. Bickering is a type of debate as other more involved arguments. This what most of us learned: argue your point well enough that you “win” the argument. Our goal is to be RIGHT, and therefore to WIN. Being right is extremely seductive. It will give you feelings of validation and significance which then produces a rush of dopamine. But it’s very temporary. And, a lot of times you actually may be right, so it's REALLY challenging to not get that acknowledgment from someone. But it’s literally - and I mean it - literally, one of the worst strategies there is in the world of relationship (including business relationship). If you win that debate, your partner loses. And let me tell you, when he or she loses, you lose, because a loser feels weak, and wherever we feel weak, our physiology and psychology weakens as well. Living with a resentful or shamed partner is as much terrible for you as it is for them.

Bickering: 

Bickering is a form of debating and is low intensity chronic warfare, and never has anything to do with what you’re actually bickering about. Usually, each person will take turns being the one who is critical while the other feels unappreciated, inadequate or inept. Therefore, the real issue is feeling criticized and inadequate within the relationship. 

A second reason for bickering is when a couple is simply too codependent on one another and don't allow each other and the relationship some space and breathing room. Typically, their sex life will be struggling, and they have become more like siblings.

Bickering, and debate in general are reactionary habits. Its when both people, (usually a couple or family members) because they don't feel significant, will react to the smallest things because they have given the “small thing” a meaning which makes it big in their head. “I know you meant to do that” “You don’t care” “you meant for that to hurt me” “You keep criticizing me”. 

Basically, bickering often is the result of the resentment of not having your needs met. (this will be covered in the section, “Assert Yourself”).

How to break the pattern: 

Restore your intention: Is your intent to be heard, to win, or to be validated? OR, is it peace and resolution? Choose resolution.

  • Take a time out and breathe.

  • Ask for what you need without any criticism or finger pointing. “I am so exhausted today, would you mind cleaning up the kitchen tonight? I would be so happy if you did”

  • If codependency is an issue, don't be afraid to do things apart. Go have a night out with friends - encourage your partner to do the same.

  • With family, we tend to play out old patterns that we may have outgrown in all other areas of our lives, but can’t seem to shake with family. When you find yourself in the throes of debate, take a time out and say: “Ok, we are doing that thing again that we always do. It’s silly. Lets take a break and talk about something else.

  • When in a debate with your partner: “Hey, honey. We are doing this thing again. Let's try to understand one another and come to a solution. Tell me exactly what is bothering you and I am going to listen.” Or: “I’m really not explaining myself well. (breathe) let me say this in a way that doesn't make you feel attacked or “wrong”

Its important to note that debate/bickering is a pattern. It will be impossible to have a productive and relationship strengthening conversation without breaking this pattern first.

Strategy #2: BLAME

Blame is the anti skilled communication strategy. It destroys intimacy, refuses responsibility, triggers fight or flight, and breaks trust.

And its sneaky:

“I just feel like you always do that” (feel is not a feeling)

“Well I tried to be on time but you kept texting me so…”. (passive aggressive)

“I’m trying but you don't want to so..” (passive aggressive)

“I wanted it to go more smoothly but you…” (passive aggressive)

“I’m stressed because you…” (zero accountability)

Blame makes it impossible to negotiate and problem solve. It makes peace impossible because once again, it is about being vindicated, validated, and irresponsible. 

When you feel blamed, set a boundary:


“I don't know how to respond to you right now because I feel blamed. This makes me feel totally attacked, defensive and I also feel crappy. I am totally willing to listen to you, but I simply can't when you are blaming me”.

“I don't believe that I made you do anything, but if I contributed to the problem, please lets talk about it. Could you do me a favor though? Can you tell me clearly what it is that you need that I am not understanding?”

“I love you, but this is not my fault. Lets talk about what we both can do better next time. Tell me what you need.”

“I am totally willing to see my part in this. Are you?”

When you catch yourself blaming, apologize and refocus on collaboration and healthy expression:

“I realize I’ve been making this all your fault and that isn't fair. I’m frustrated and I need to communicate better with you.”

“I’m sorry for not owning my part. I own that…..”

“I recognize that I have not been asking for what I need, and then blaming you for not meeting my needs. That isn't fair and I’m sorry. Let me tell you what I actually need…..”

“I love you and we are in this together. I’m sorry for making this all your responsibility - that isn't right. Lets come up with a solution together.”

Strategy 3: Accusation

Closely linked to blame, accusation is the 3rd losing strategy of skilled communication. The biggest problem with accusation is that it implies that the person who you are accusing is a bad person. Its “always” and “never”. Its: “not only do I hate what you did but I believe that you meant to harm”. This attacks a person's identity rather than their behavior.

We accuse not only with words, but with body language. We accuse with a look of our eyes. Whenever you enter a conversation with someone in an accusatory mind set, you lose. In fact, you both lose because the worst of both of you will be in combat. 

When you feel accused, there is no chance of your nervous system not reacting with fear. Accusation triggers fight, flight or freeze in everyone it touches. It’ll flood your blood with adrenaline and cortisol and make you sweat. When it gets to this point, it’s really very hard to respond consciously. 

All conversations that start with an accusation end badly. 

Tools for when you feel accusatory:

  • Do not engage the other person in conversation. Take time to reflect on what it is that you feel upset about. What injustice you believe has occurred.

  • Ask yourself these questions: What was their intent? Do I really believe that their intent was to upset me? Is it possible I don’t have all the details? The whole story? Do I want this conversation to go well? What do I need? How can I express what I need in a way that is hearable?

  • Always attempt to start this kind of dialogue from a more centered space. The reflection should help to center and ground you. If you need more grounding, go for a walk, exercise, or whatever you need to do to create the pause necessary to get yourself out of this mode.

  • “Hey - are you free to talk? Something happened that I’m confused about and want to hear your perspective”.

  • “I’m feeling upset. Disrespected. (or whatever you are truly feeling) and I don't want to let my thoughts get the best of me - can we talk about what just happened?”

  • A firm boundary if necessary: “That was very hurtful and not ok with me. I realize that wasn't your intention, but I can’t live with that behavior.” (**you are focusing on the behavior rather than the person's identity or intent.)

  • “I need more of _______”

Tools for when you feel accused:

  • Notice your physiology. Locate the tension in your body and immediately take a deep breath there. Bring as much awareness here so you can dissipate your primal reaction.

  • If the person who you feel accused by is someone you love and respect and are in relationship with, consider listening. This is HARD. Because in this moment, you don’t see someone you love, you see a monster. But, depending on the vibe of the accusation, meaning as long as you aren’t being yelled at or being called names, its possible that what is imbedded within it is some truth. Or at least you will be able to feel their pain - even if they are not expressing it well enough.

  • “Hey, I feel accused right now and it doesn't feel good at all. I’m willing to discuss this but not when you are accusing me. Can we slow down this conversation?”

  • “I feel super overwhelmed by what you’re saying and need to take some space so I can have a productive conversation with you.”

  • “I can't hear you when you accuse me. Can you tell me what is bothering you without accusing me?”

  • “Please don’t accuse me of _____. “

Strategy 4: Criticism

One thing all the losing strategies have in common is that they block true communication. To communicate is to reach, to join, to commune. When we criticize, we create distance and breakage. What’s tricky, however, is that most of the time people aren’t even aware of their tendencies here. They usually learned it from a parent and subconsciously adopted the habit from them.

Criticism is communication warfare which makes it relationship warfare.

You could be well meaning and still criticize. You could be a good person and still have the habit. Criticism comes in many forms:

  • nit picking

  • pointing out the negative or deficit in something without being asked for your opinion or without offering a solution as in constructive feedback.

  • Putting someone down: Their behavior, looks, style, beliefs, opinions and perspectives.

Tip: Sometimes you’ll feel criticized by someone who genuinely did not mean to do so, nor who thinks they have even criticized you. Conversely, you may be accused of being critical much to your confusion. This is a classic and common miscommunication especially seen in romantic and familial relationships. When a relationship is vulnerable, one or both people will typically feel extra sensitive to another's feedback. The only way to clear this up is through highly skilled communication.

Tools for when you feel criticized:

  • Say: “I feel criticized by you right now and I feel really anxious because of it.” Instead of: “Don’t criticize me!”

  • “I don’t think you mean to criticize me, but what you’re saying is making me feel fearful and defensive. Can you say it differently please? It would help if your changed your tone or offered some advice”.

  • “I feel criticized and I can't hear you when I believe I have to defend myself.”

  • “That sounded very critical. Did you mean it to land that way?”

  • “I feel very hurt when you say that to me with that tone and body language.”

** Whenever you feel attacked emotionally, stay very, very close to you. It is in these moments that we can easily forget ourselves and go straight into damage control or defensiveness. A fear of loss and abandonment will often take over, and that’s when we stop telling the truth to ourselves and to this person. Stay close to you by listening to your body’s signals - it will tell you loud and clear when something is just plain wrong. The only loss to fear is the losing of yourself to fear.

*whenever you feel the urge to criticize in any way (even if you’re protesting someone’s shirt choice) stop yourself and instead elevate:

Elevation tips:

  • “you look so hot when you wear ____”

  • “You are such an amazing _____. Maybe try doing that more to get better results?”

  • “I love you. Would you be open to some constructive feedback?”

  • “I really respect how you _____. Can I give you some feedback on the other stuff?”

  • “I know you did not mean to say that because you are so thoughtful. (positive intent) but I think it could have landed better if maybe you softened your approach a little. What do you think?”

  • “You are such a loving and thoughtful person. Did you mean to say that in that way?”

  • “I’m so lucky to have someone as smart as you on my team. Let's go over this one thing that I need clarity on.”

When you sincerely elevate, you immediately create a connection with someone. None of us want to be accused of being “bad” in any way. We all want to acknowledged. When you elevate, you appreciate.

Appreciation is the antidote to criticism.

Strategy 5: Sarcasm

Sure, a little sarcastic wit and banter can be totally fun and a part of two people's dynamic with one another. However, this is not the kind of sarcasm I’m referring to. The kind I’m referring to I call Toxic Sarcasm. There are two types of toxic sarcasm patterns that destroy trust/intimacy or prevent it from ever building in the first place:

  1. Ever met the person who barely says anything seriously? They use sarcasm as protection from ever getting too close to somebody. Instead of a little tease and banter here and there (which I admit can be an excellent way to flirt) it’s literally how they communicate. It’s exhausting and a major block to communication.

  2. Snide remarks that put someone down disguised in the “I was just joking” BS. I have seen this more times in my work with couples than I care to admit and when it’s someones communication MO, it borders on verbal abuse. Here are some examples: “Oh ya right. I’m sure you meant it.” ; “Whatever.” ; “Big deal” ; “Whatever you say.” ; “oh, ya, ok. That's just great.” Eye-rolling is a physical manifestation of toxic sarcasm. You get the picture.

We’ve all been sarcastic like this at times. But “at times” and a pattern are different.

Tool if you have the habit of reacting with snide sarcastic remarks:

  • Stop. There is just no other tool to give here. It’s a pattern and it is a mistake to overcomplicate the breaking of it - one only needs to be aware of its consequences: hurtful, mean, unfair and dysfunctional. One also typically isn't aware of it because it was picked up long ago from experiencing it with a parent. The first step is to become aware.

Scripts for how to respond to toxic sarcasm:

  • “I don’t like the sarcasm. It makes me feel unloved and insignificant and that hurts.”

  • “When you roll your eyes at me, I feel so dismissed and disrespected that my whole body hurts.”

  • “It’s clear that something I did or said upset you, otherwise you would not make that remark. Am I right? Can you please tell me what hurt you? Let's have an honest conversation about it.”

  • “I am very concerned about how we are communicating. I think we need to get some outside help.”

  • “I’m really not a fan of the constant sarcasm. I’d like to get to know you, but this makes it too hard. Be well.”

INVENTORY

None of us are entirely innocent when it comes to these losing strategies. For me, I know debate has been the one I’ve participated in the most, and I know that blame is easy for all of us. This isn't about perfection but instead is about being truthful. It’s only through our honesty that we can improve.

  • Review the 5 strategies and reflect on all your relationships past and current (particularly your romantic ones). Which ones hit home the most? Why - what happened?

  • How do you struggle with communication?

  • Where do you excel?

  • How have you typically reacted to blame, accusation, criticism and sarcasm?

  • What emotions do you feel when you engage in any of these 5?

  • What can you do to help you respond instead of react when miscommunication goes south?

  • If your loved one is blaming, critical, or sarcastic: How can you create a stronger boundary?

  • Describe where and from whom you learned how to communicate. What did you see or not see? What was said or not said? What body language did you witness? How did it make you feel? *remember, this isn't anyone's fault because every single person does the best they can do with the tools they have. This exercise is to give you context into how a communication pattern is born, so you can start to redirect and change the patterning.