Sections
Strategy 1: Voice
We are all the conductors of our speech, so in order to become better communicators, we must be mindful of the way in which we use our voices. That is: tone, volume, and cadence. A large part of verbal fluency is not only being precise with our language, but also being aware of the sound we make with your words.
Voice is directly effected by breath so when you speak, (especially if it’s a challenging conversation) pause. Take a deep breath down into your belly, and then exhale slowly as you speak. This will lessen the charge of your words where they need to be softer, and it will also slow your speech, making it clearer and more articulate.
An example of how voice can effect the message:
You can say “I hate you” and it can be mean, hateful and spiteful. Or, could say those exact words and have it be flirtatious and playful. The difference lies in your tone and the melody with which you speak. A loving or playful tone is accompanied by a certain body language that differs enormously than the body language that accompanies hate.
INVENTORY
Be aware with how you say things when you communicate just about anything to anyone. Notice where you put emphasis, the volume with which you speak, and how you annunciate your words. Then notice what your body does as you speak.
Do you typically look directly in the eyes?
Do you usually breathe or do you tend to hold your breath and speak quickly?
Is your speech caught up in the throat area, or do you gather your voice from below your chest?
Do you feel tension when you communicate or are you relaxed?
Do you speak fast or slow?
Do you inflect or are you monotone?
How well do you project your voice? Is there typically energy behind your speech?
All these things will obviously depend on the circumstance, but when you commit to a softer start up to a conversation, it will have a much more positive impact on another's nervous system, thus the outcome.
Strategy 2: “And I” vs “But you”.
“I had a really good time, but when you insisted we go for another drink, that made me really tired”
“I appreciate what you did but when you…. “
“Yes, that was good, but then you”
“But what about when you said…”
vs.
“I really had a good time, and then I got really tired so I just needed to go home and rest.”
“I appreciate what you did and then I felt hurt because…”
“Yes, that was good, and then I didn't get what happened next” ; “When I heard you say…”
This is super subtle, but when you say: “I” you immediately are being accountable for your interpretation and that makes it much more likely for someone listen to you.
We all know what “but” feels like. “But” is like a kick in the gut or a smack in the face. It completely negates anything positive that may have been said before it. “But” closes us down and therefore blocks true communication.
Strategy 3: “We” instead of “Me”.
Blame and complaining are poison to a romantic relationship. The antidote is communicating in such a way to reflect camaraderie - that the two of you are in it together trying to make things better. This means inclusive language such as:
“I believe we can do better at making sure…”
vs.
“I need you to be more….”
or:
“I love you and I think we can do a better job at keeping the house clean”
vs.
“I need a clean house and you don't seem to care.”
These are just examples, but the essence is if you can turn a wish, desire or need into something that the two of you can join forces in solving, then that is being extremely artful in your communication. “We” instead of “Me” inspires right action. It encourages listening and partnership. It creates intimacy instead of aloneness.
Strategy 4: Behavior vs Identity
When you’re in conflict with anybody, never question their identity because once you do, all potential negation goes down the drain. All people want to live up to a positive identity so if you accuse someone of being something that they don’t want to be or to see themselves as will yield zero positive results.
For example:
“You’re stubborn so that's why you can’t see my point”
“You’re narrow minded so you can’t see my perspective.
“You’re lazy which is why____”
“You’re neurotic which means that ___”
“You’re careless and that is why ___”
“You’re being so narcissistic"
Have you ever been assigned a negative identity by someone? It’s frustrating at best, infuriating and painful at worst. None of us want to be put in a negative box.
Instead, when in conflict or when you have a grievance you need to express, it is far more fair and effective to focus on the behavior.
“I don't like it when you do _____. It hurts me”
“I don't understand it when you say ______”
“Can you please try to do _____ instead of _____?”
“When you do ______, I get really anxious because…”
Strategy 5: Positive Intent
If assigning a negative identity is kryptonite to communication, then applying positive intent is the antidote. Think of it as divided into 3 parts: Identity, behavior and intention. Rule of thumb is: never go after someone's identity, focus on the behavior, and look for the intent that drives the behavior. If you believe that someone’s intent is to hurt you, cheat you, screw you over, or upset you, then you shouldn’t continue a relationship with them - this goes for any type of relationship.
This also means that if you find yourself in the throes of frustration, hurt or defensiveness, it requires a (big) pause to be able to truly assess the intent. Charged emotions will take away our ability to see clearly.
When you assign positive intent, you at least will still be looking at a human being that you love. The meaning you give will be one that you can work with. (more on meaning in next section)
When you love someone, always apply positive intent. This will greatly impact the way you argue. Once you believe that their intent is malevolent, its over. Instead of seeing the person you care about, you will see a monster.
INVENTORY
Reflect on some of the arguments you’ve had with key people who have mattered the most to you. In those moments where you believed that they meant to hurt you, how did that impact how you looked at the situation? What helped you to see the human being before you again?
Review the 5 strategies here. How would you rate yourself in each one? What revelation or realization have you had?
Out of the five, which ones do you respond to or appreciate most when someone else is using them with you?
Think about the times when you felt like your identity was being attacked. How did it make you feel? What insecurities did it dig up in you?
PRACTICE
Practice these 5 strategies in small ways with various people. It will have to be a concerted effort for at least 2 weeks for it to assimilate into your communication style.
Watch how you communicate with yourself about you AND about others. Pick up on the ways in which you may attack your own identity, or how you apply negative intent to others. Look at the narratives you weave in your head: “when he did this I know he meant to do it”, “how could she say that she always does that”; “he doesn’t love me, he never will”, “I never know what I’m saying”, “I should have said that differently”, “I wish I didn't yell….”
Its WILD how much we use the losing strategies on OURSELVES. Intercept them. When you improve the quality of your inner dialogue, you improve the quality of your communication with others.