Key concepts:

*you can adopt these as personal incantations, or mantras if that resonates.*

You own the right to be able to have needs and wants

You own the right to ask for what you need and want.

You have to be willing to risk disappointment.

You have to dare to rock the boat of your relationship to get what you need.

Notice what the energy, or state is behind asserting yourself clearly and consciously:

Notice your breath

Adjust your posture to reflect more courage and connection to yourself

Ground yourself if needed out of anger or fear.

Bring awareness to where fear is gripping your body such as your jaw or shoulders.

The consequences of not asserting yourself:

Self abandonment 

Resentment

Contempt

Anger

Blowing up

Negative story

Withdrawal

To skillfully assert yourself you must not only ask for what you want, but also stand by your request. 

*Whether your pattern is keeping quiet, lack of boundaries, or feeling guilty when asking for what you need, expect to experience a learning curve once you start practicing savvier ways to speak on your own behalf.*

Key principles of skilled self assertion:

They are requests, not complaints. Complaining will never get your needs met. 

Your requests are clear, and giving a reason for your request makes it more impactful.

Your requests can be small or they can be big.

Your requests can be kind and firm at the same time.

They are not threats.

They are genuine.

You can’t expect someone to give you anything you don't ask for.

Keeping your relationship healthy is the driving force behind every request. No relationship can thrive when you don't receive what you need and are boundary-less.

SCRIPTS AND TIPS

When you need more help with household/family responsibilities:

“Honey, it’s so important to me that we divide and conquer here. Collaboration is a big value of mine. Please let's discuss what this could look like moving forward”

vs.

“I’m so overwhelmed because you never help me with all this stuff and its like you don't care, or you don't listen to me when I’m speaking to you. Why is it so hard for you to give me what I ask for??”

When you need more connection, be sure to have a soft start to the request. No one wants to connect to a complainer:

“Honey, it’s so important to me that we connect at least once during the long work day, it makes me feel loved when you shoot me a text to just say ‘hi’”

“Babe, I need to be touched more. Touch is how I feel close to you. What would help is more hand holding, or two long deep hugs throughout the day. Can we do that?”

“I know they are just words, but words matter to me. I need to hear “I love you” every day. Not all day, but at least one time a day. When you say those words to me, I melt.”

“Honey, I really want us to have more quality time together. What that looks like to me is: a date night 1x/week, longer mornings together on Sundays, talking after our work days instead of diving right into TV. What do you think?”

When you need more understanding:

“Honey, when you listen to me, I feel so loved and appreciated. Lately, I haven't felt very understood, and I realize this could be because I haven't been asking for what I need. I want to share something with you and just need your ear for 10 minutes, ok?”

“I’m overwhelmed with work right now and feel out of sorts. What helps me so much is when you are patient with me while I pull myself out of this funk. Thank you.”

“Ugh. I’m in the worst mood - it’s not you, just my week. I’m going to take a couple hours to myself to ground back to earth. Ok? Love you”.

Asking for what you need sexually:

“Babe, when we kiss, its like magic. We are so good at making out. But I feel we can do better when we have sex. I feel like we can take it to a deeper, more intimate level where we both feel more connected. What are your thoughts?

“Baby, I love it when you ______. It makes me feel so good - can you do it more?”

“That feel sooo good, can you just go a little slower?”

“Honey, I love our connection so much. I need more help warming up, can we spend more time making out first? It really helps when we tease it out.”

“I love you honey and feel so comfortable with you which is why I think it would be fun to explore some new positions - what do you think?”

“I love it when you initiate - it makes me feel soooooo sexy.”

“I’m feeling a bit disconnected from you lately. I miss long hugs and deep kissing - do you miss it too? I think we can both do that more for each other, right?”

“I really need to feel you’re with me when we make love, that you're fully present. Has something been on your mind lately? Is there something you need from me that could help?”

Confronting bad behavior: 

“Listen, I want to hear what you have to say. For that to happen, I need you to slow down and speak to me more calmly, ok? This way I can listen. Ok?”

vs.

“Don’t talk to me that way!! I can’t stand it when you yell and how dare you anyway? You can’t treat me like this.”

Its very effective to tell someone what the consequences are of their behavior in a non threatening way:

“When you left our dinner yesterday, I felt completely humiliated. If that were to happen again, I fear that I will not be able to trust you.”

vs.

“How dare you walk out on dinner yesterday! If that happens again, you’ll lose all my trust.”

Sometimes, self assertion is more about setting firm boundaries:

For example:

“I care about you and know you are hurt and frustrated. But I cannot tolerate you yelling or punishing me with snide remarks when you're pissed. That behavior does not work for me. We have to figure out a way to communicated better, otherwise I fear I will shut down.”

“Listen. I refuse to engage in this conversation any longer. I am going to take some space and go for a walk, and I think that might help you too. When we can calmly speak to each other, I will listen.”

When this person does not respect your boundary, you own the right to end the conversation right there and take a time out. Disengaging from the conversation is the enforcement of your boundary.

“This has gone on long enough and I no longer want to be a part of this dynamic.” 

(What ensues is a split. You either break up, or if you have a lot invested such as a family, you take true space and seek help. This is case dependent.)

vs.

Anger: “Go fuck yourself”, “How dare you!”

Low self-worth: “I don't understand why you are calling me this? What did I do? Whats going on?”

INVENTORY

If you’re anything like me, I suspect you’ll have a lot to ponder here. To remind you, you do not have to have insanely low self esteem to struggle with assertiveness. Most of us were simply not taught, and/or are too afraid of ruining a relationship. This is all conditioning. You can’t ruin a healthy relationship by asserting yourself, gracefully. It’s the other way around.

  • What did you learn growing up about asking for what you need?

  • What needs of yours were met, and what were not?

  • What was modeled to you about boundaries, specifically in romantic relationships?

  • What are your beliefs about being and assertive woman? Ie, do you think of the words: powerful, or ball buster, angry, crazy, or risk being not loved, or respect? What comes to mind?

  • What are your fears around asking for what you need in love, career, family?

  • How has not asking for what you need in clear ways impacted your relationships thus far?

  • How has asking for what you want been helpful?

  • Consult with any resentment you may be carrying presently. What do you need to say that you have not been saying?

  • Using this section as your guide, how can you say what you’ve been holding back?

JOURNAL

Use this space to consult with any resentment you may be carrying presently. What do you need to say that you have not been saying? Write it all down.

Using this section as your guide, how can you say what you’ve been holding back from saying? Write down a few possible scripts.