Sections
Carl Jung, one of the most impressive psychologists in history is known for terming the darker parts of the human psyche as The Shadow. His theorized the importance of both understanding our shadow and then ultimately facing it for 3 reasons:
We humans are capable of evil and darkness, and we are capable of love and light. In order to prevent going dark, we must know and admit to what we are capable of. Only then can we bring consciousness to our lives by choosing to be better. More kind, more ethical, and more compassionate.
That which we deny within ourselves only ends up hidden within our subconscious where it becomes more powerful and autonomous over our lives. This is where we experience deep shame and shut off from the totality of our being.
The parts we disown within ourselves only become that which we will project onto others in the form of judgment, disdain, jealousy and contempt - all patterns that will negatively impact our relationships with others.
In other words, it is best to acknowledge your Shadow’s existence with a willingness to face it.
The truth about your Shadow
Darkness lives in all of us. Some of it can feel untenable, which is why we run away from looking at it. The point of the shadow, however is not to scare you, but instead to encourage you to look deeply within yourself and confront the parts of you that are subconsciously interfering with your self acceptance and love for yourself. We are all deeply flawed, and we have all been ashamed of our flaws as well. This is simply the human experience: To muster up the courage to face all of you, so that you may embody all of you. This is the path of becoming more conscious and it is both brutal and rewarding.
Examples of Shadows: The below is a list of both behaviors as well as certain archetypes. Some will trigger a response from deep within, while others not. Please note that in my personal journey into my own shadow, the layers of my denial peeled away over time. Identifying these parts is a process.
Controlling, aggressive, mean, sloppy, procrastinator, lazy, victim, slut, thief, judgmental, stupid, killer, manipulator, liar, coward, messy, a mess, uncontrollable, weak, dismissive, angry, ditzy, witch, tyrant, cold, passive aggressive, eating disordered, freak, glutton, spoiled, prejudice, fearful, arrogant, know-it-all, whore, greedy, phony, shallow, gold digger, codependent, crazy, bitch, nerd, addict, sick, difficult, offensive, crass, cheap, desperate, jealous, dangerous, fucked up, pathetic, competitive, harsh, cruel, trash, poor, cheater, cunt, old, has-been, fake, boring, too-much, uptight, neurotic, self-destructive, oversensitive, insecure, classless, dumb, uneducated, loser, inferior, uninteresting, loud mouth, irresponsible, black sheep, unconscious, dirty, sleazy, negative, complainer, whiner, conceited, narcissist, self involved, selfish, hoarder, saboteur.
Just to name a few.
INVENTORY
Review this list carefully and perhaps say the words out loud if that helps you process. Which ones trigger you? (*unlike a lot of the psycho dogma out there, I do not believe that everything we are triggered by is a projection of our shadow. There are some words in this list that may trigger you because it represents someone in your life who has caused you deep pain and suffering. That being said, don’t overlook the real possibility that that which you hate in another can be something that you reject in yourself that is being projected onto them.)
Take a moment here and pause. Are there any words not on this list that run your life, cause you pain, or that you suppress?
Ask yourself: What am I most afraid of someone finding out about me?
Ask yourself: What part of myself am I most afraid of?
PRACTICE
For 2 weeks, observe your judgments of other people. When you’re triggered by a behavior, trait or quality, take note of it and consider if this is something you dislike or even despise in yourself. This ain’t easy, but it does get easier the more you do it. In fact, it goes from hard to interesting.
FACE YOURSELF
We either run away and try to hide from our shadowy parts or we over-identify with them. I’ll first address the running away:
You do not have to be afraid of yourself, so don’t run away from your shadow - instead, confront it and then integrate it.
The consequences of running away:
Projection. This is when we judge another for possessing a quality that we have as well, but have not come to terms with. Not only is this unhealthy for your mental health, it is destructive to relationships. That being said, we all do it and it’s a process to unlearn the pattern.
There are really amazing parts to you that you’ve rejected as well. I call these pseudo shadows. Pseudo shadows are the lost part of ourselves that we have dis-identified with because we believe and have decided (often subconsciously) that those parts will not be rewarded, or good enough.
Often we will subconsciously seek out those dis-identified parts in a partner. Ironically, it is often exactly what attracts us to another. If you continue to deny that part of yourself, you will eventually start to judge and hate your partner for the very things that you were attracted to in the beginning. For example, “he’s so outgoing and fun” will turn into “He’s so loud and annoying”. This is an extremely common pattern in relationships.
Shame, anxiety, and depression. Guilt, regret and even some shame can be very healthy. If we behave badly - which we all have, we should be remorseful or even ashamed of ourselves if what we did was a big enough departure from what we know to be right. But that is different then being a merciless tyrant over yourself, which we often are. It’s also different then having shame about a part of your shadow that really isn't that unique to you. You are not a monster. But there may be a story inside your head that depicts you as despicable. We all do - to varying degrees. This is a useless and terrible type of shame that is likely the result of someone else’s projection onto you. Or, it is what you were unwittingly taught in childhood.
INVENTORY
List your pseudo shadows.
How have they impacted a relationship - past or current?
What action do you need to take to make these parts more accessible to you moving forward? Think about this one, and get creative.
(under forgiveness inventory)
Make a list or write a paragraph (or few) on all the things that you've done that still haunt you. Go as far back as you can remember.
The things that haunt you are clues as to where you have shame that needs to be let go of. Go through each one and…
CONFRONT
In order to confront your shadow head on, you must consult with the parts of you that you’ve shadowed. Anger and resentment are big ones for many women as many of us have not been taught to assert ourselves, and we’ve learned that anger is way worse than sadness. Which its not. In fact, neither are “good” if we live in those states all the time, yet both are necessary to feel.
Consult with your anger and bitterness: what have you needed to say but aren’t saying?
Consult with your fear: What is it trying to protect you from?
Consult with your judgement: What is it trying to tell you?
Consult with _______
And so on.
**The point is: When you face your shadow you can then integrate it. To feel like a whole and integrated person, you must not run away, divorce, disown, dis-identify, reject, repress nor suppress parts of yourself. The more you practice this, the more self accepting you will become. The more self accepting you become, the more you will be able to integrate.
There is no doubt this takes tremendous courage, and I highly recommend doing this with a trusted advisor whether it be a friend, family member, therapist or coach. It depends on what you need. It is very normal for it to bring up emotion. You may at times feel sad and/or confused, but its also possible you’ll be curiously inspired.
INTEGRATE
To integrate your shadow is to form a deeper, more intimate relationship with yourself. It’s a process. In both my personal and professional experience working with clients, I’ve come to recognize the integration experience as more of a reframing process that looks like this:
Once you recognize its existence (as opposed to denial and suppression) we all have a responsibility to ourselves, others, and the world at large to keep our more malevolent parts in check. This is about honesty with one self: “I know I can get this way, but its hurtful to myself and others, so I will work on it”. This is very different to pretending to ourselves that we “would never do that” (when in fact maybe we would) and owning it as something that is part of being human (we all can go dark) and aiming to be a more conscious person.
Every shadowy or “negative” part of ourselves has an energetic charge behind it. For example, anger and aggression have a high charge behind them. If one could learn to use that charge for something useful such as in work, leadership, getting things done and passion - then that is a very successful integration of the shadow. Another example is “controlling”. If that charge can be transmuted into taking charge of one’s own life, or taking charge of a project, or using it to redecorate a home, or balance a checkbook, or staying on top of taxes - these are all ways to integrate the shadow of control.
Reframe: every shadow part can either be a gift or a burden. The gift emerges when we can ask ourselves, “what is this part of me trying to tell or teach me?” When you bring your awareness to these parts of you, you’ll notice them much more than you ever have. In these moments, instead of stuffing it OR condemning yourself, GET CURIOUS. Its there to teach you something about how you’re feeling that day and where you need some healing.
JOURNAL and INVENTORY
Every part of you - light and shadowy is like an entire being onto herself. To become more conscious is to become more integrated. To be more integrated is to acknowledge that you have many parts that represent aspects of who you are. With this in mind, consider that each shadow part has her own personality, physiology, and belief system. She even has her own name. One way to think about it is: you most likely have a nickname, or had one growing up. Perhaps a few. When you think about those names, they each carry their own energetic weight. They describe a part of you - maybe your more girlish part, or adventurous part, or serious part, and when someone calls you by one of your nicknames, it actually sparks a state. In other words, being called by that name makes you feel a certain way.
Let's APPLY this to the shadow integration:
Take one of your shadows and write it down. Then, answer these questions:
If I were to give her a name, what would it be? (choose the one that just pops in your mind)
What does she look like?
Whats her physiology? (tense, relaxed, slumped over, alert, shallow breath, slow breath, tight shoulders open chest etc)
What are her fears?
What are her desires or dreams?
What is her emotional state?
Is her intent to harm me or protect me?
What does she need?
When was she born? When I was what age?
What is she trying to alert me to, teach me, or gift me?
Can I understand her more and soften my judgment of her?
How can I use her energy in a way that serves me and others? (give examples)
TIP:
One of the most powerful and successful strategies I have used to become self accepting and acknowledging of my own shadow is to speak transparently about my flaws. Not all the time. Not self-deprecatingly. But to be able to say “I am who I am” in combination with an awareness of what work still needs to be done is incredibly liberating and liberates others to be less shameful and secretive of their own. Practice this in baby steps with people you feel safe with. When you expand your practice of it, some may judge you, but way more will be drawn to you.
We are all magnetized to freedom, and those who are free.
INVENTORY
Everyone has a story about their own dark side (shadow) that actually makes their shadow bigger, darker and scarier. Maybe you were told years ago that you were “_____” and its stuck with you, deeply rejected and shamed.
For example, my father, a psychiatrist, wrote a book titled “The Difficult Child” that was based on me! In a nutshell, it was written to help parents deal with their emotional, temper tantrum-y, and sensitive child. “Difficult" was thrown on to me and I quickly (subconsciously) adopted the identity and then threw it into my shadow where it could accumulate shame and humiliation like a sweater picks up lint. In order to heal, I had to identify the story I had about myself and childhood so I could let go, forgive, reframe and integrate.
What story do you have about yourself and/or your childhood that is magnifying your shadow?
I believe we all have an emotional Achilles heel that we throw deep into our Shadow. Its the “heel” that we may never fully “heal” although the aim is to bring as much healing to it as possible. For example: mine is fear. I have some neurotic fears that I believe I will always have to do the labor of keeping in check for my whole life. This is a part of me that I have hidden from myself and others in order to protect my worth. After integrating it, I recognize it as my emotional and psychological Achilles heel and that it is what it is. I work with it, but I accept it, and others will have to accept it too.
What is your Achilles heel?
Can you integrate it with honesty, acceptance and the understanding that it’s your responsibility to bring as much healing and awareness to it?
If not, take your time and enlist the help you need. When you accept your Achilles heel, you raise your self worth exponentially.