Sections
Perfectionism is a deeply ingrained pattern that with awareness, can be reframed and rewired. It is also a pattern that with age, dissipates. Wisdom is like a medicine for all the ways in which we hammer ourselves for not being good enough. But you don’t have to wait until you’re older to acquire more wisdom.
SHOULD & SHOULDN’T:
A clue that you’re being too hard on yourself and not accepting who you are is if you’re mired in “should” and “shouldn’t”. This is not the same as living by a moral code, or your noble attempts to run your life as best as you can. There will always be things that we should or shouldn’t do, even if we don't want to. But the constant obsession over mistakes and the relentless guilt that accompanies it is what plagues.
GUILT:
Guilt and “should” are intricately connected. As previously mentioned in the shadow section, there is such a thing as healthy guilt. But in the land of perfectionism, guilt becomes the emotional home for many. When you beat yourself up, guilt is no longer a feeling you have in response to not behaving well, it is your psycho emotional center of gravity. Guilt becomes a level of consciousness.
From the guilt we feel from taking a day off, to the guilt we may feel when we’re happy when someone we love is not, to yelling at our kid or animal in frustration. To the I should be doing this instead of that, or I really shouldn’t be doing this, to the sugary cookie we ate, to the late night snack, to the money we spent on something we didn’t “need”, to the saying ‘no’ to driving a friend to the airport, to the not answering our parent’s call, to the job we chose, to the lie we told to get out of a plan, to the hate we sometimes feel for our family, to the annoyance we feel with our lover or spouse. To the not spending your day as you “should have”, to the being late in paying your bills, to the forgetting to get a gift for someone, to the no longer wanting to be in a relationship with someone, to the french fry, that dress, the car, that vacation, those shoes, that alone time, that break from our kids and family, to the “I can’t believe I said that” and the “I should have known better”, to the always being late, to the absent mindedness, to the thoughts we have of our strangling someone, to the angry outburst, to our judging another, to the flippant remark, to the Netflix show you’d rather watch than do work, and so on and so on and so on.
This itty bitty teeny weeny feeling is actually an insidiously evil monster that seeks to destroy our peace and self worth.
PLEASING:
Perfectionism is sometimes hidden in what I call “the disease to please”, otherwise referred to as “people pleasing”. There’s a spectrum here, and as I already indicated earlier in this blueprint, there are consequences to over identifying with any one particular aspect of our being. Some people really struggle with people pleasing, others do so only with certain people or areas in their lives. But, it is my firm belief that everyone has been a pleaser at some point, in some circumstance. The reason is simple: The fear of losing love is the greatest fear we all share - it is the fear that defines the human experience. That fear will inevitably manifest as wanting to please someone to the detriment of our own needs.
Pleasing is a form of control. It is our attempt to control an outcome so that we don't feel threatened by the loss of security we have with a person.
Pleasing is intricately connected to chronic anxiety, as chronic anxiety is often triggered by persistent feelings of being out of control and relentless attempts to regain control.
PROVING:
If you were to dig deeper into your perfectionistic tendencies, what you would find at the core is a subconscious need to prove yourself. Prove your worthiness, beauty, skill, grit, wit, strength, courage, achievement and more. But to whom? Well, to yourself and to the world. But mostly, to one or both of your parents. This is usually extremely subconscious but after doing this work, it will become more and more conscious. Understanding the origin of your fear and behavior is the first and most important step to healing anything. We can’t change anything we can’t see.
INVENTORY
Your parent(s) or caregiver had no intention of creating a perfectionist in you, but unintentionally rewarded you for being perfect or for being “the best” at something, or many things. Subconsciously, you made the conclusion that if you were not the best, you were not worthy and would not receive love.
Where, when, and how did you learn this pattern? (if you need help answering this question, review the first section of the blueprint)
How has it impacted your life? Your relationships? Work? Health?
Is it really true that if you weren’t perfect or close to it at something that you are unworthy or not enough?
How would it feel to ease up on yourself?
Who would benefit from you easing up?
Reframe your perspective: perfectionism is actually the lowest standard you can have for yourself because it doesn't exist. If you’re constantly chasing an impossible standard, it gives you an excuse to not reach for achievable ones. This leads to a persistent feeling that you are never quite progressing, growing, or accomplishing. This is the paradox of perfectionism: It can keep you from not even trying, which will make you feel stuck where they are. It’s a shield that gives you the illusion that you are protected from the unknown. Does this resonate? How?
TIPS:
The need to be perfect can prevent you from taking action where action is needed in life. It can keep you stuck in preparation, planning, and in “analysis paralysis”. The only way to free yourself from this is to take action. It’s a practice, but one very worth while committing to. If you are someone who often feels like you “need more time to get ready” before you take action, this tip is for you. Take action. Start small If you need to. Remember: perfectionism is a sneaky internal strategy you have to protect you from being seen, heard, and ultimately from the unknown. But as necessary as certainty is for your life, if you’re dominated by it, it becomes a prison. Take action so that perfectionism doesn't steal your life from you.
Change your relationship to failure and you change your relationship to yourself. Perfectionism is tied to a very deep fear of failure, which creates an addiction to certainty, which then prevents the healthy risk taking necessary to move forward in life. When you can begin to see that things not working out are in fact major opportunities to learn, grow and redirect, this will emancipate you from being controlled by failure. Make growing a bigger priority to you then avoiding failure. Growth is a direct path towards becoming more conscious.
Bring mindfulness to pleasing with hardcore awareness. Notice your body when you are faced with the fear of displeasing someone. Rather than suppressing and avoiding the discomfort in your jaw, head, belly, fingers and toes, feel it and breathe. Seriously. This works. Connecting to your body is the fastest and easiest way to become present to that which you habitually avoid.
Practice boundaries. Start small with declining offers by simply stating that while you appreciate the offer, “You won’t be able to make it at this time”. (see the Boundaries workshop in the membership or a la carte) Some, ou too shock, may recoil and get get angry at the boundary. Don’t back peddle. Those who can’t accept your boundaries are often “takers” and need to be cleared from your life, or at least have much stronger boundaries with.
Let go of any associations you have to being a pleaser with being a good person. The reason why its hard to break painful habits and patterns is because unconsciously, we are getting some sort of side benefit. You are a good person. But not because you please.
Open your eyes to guilt. Pay attention to how often you feel it. Then breathe, feel the fear and pain that lurks beneath it, and then let it go. Over and over again.