Sections
A lack of appreciation has a personality and physiology all to its self. Here's the breakdown of what it looks like:
Physiology: chest that is lowered, back of the shoulders lifted towards the back of the neck, shallow breath, intermittent stomach discomfort, possible sore upper back between the shoulder blades and/or lower back. Tense jaw from over achieving or critical self-talk.
Mental Focus: not being enough either in general or at a particular task or area of life, which could be based on something that happened in the past or stress about the future.
Self-Talk & Story: “it wasn't that big of a deal”, “I could have done better”, “I always do ____”, “Why do I keep _____”, Story: narratives that support your belief that you’re not good enough in any way. The story will give you evidence that you should not appreciate yourself, or that you don’t deserve the appreciation.
Lack of appreciation in action: - unconsciously (or consciously) refusing yourself the self-care of rest and restore; procrastination (fear based and usually because you have too much of a heavy load on your shoulders) basically whatever your pattern is when you’re triggered by moments of low worthiness is what you’ll play out.
The antidote to any persistent and disempowered state such as “lack of self appreciation” or being too harsh with yourself is to challenge the physiology, focus and thoughts that are creating that feeling in you:
Your body: Your body is the gateway to how you feel. So, if redirecting your thoughts, focus, and stories are too hard, go to your body first. It’s the fastest and easiest way to change the way we feel. Take deeper, fuller, more conscious breaths. When you do this, your sternum bone, located on your chest will rise. Let your exhale soften the restrictive tension you feel in areas of your body.
Your focus: Redirect your focus from expectation and replace it with a feeling of thankfulness. That “gratitude”, if you will, could be about anything.
Your Story: Notice the stories/narratives/movies in your head that are perpetuating your expectations and inability to experience appreciation. This is wild ride. Once I was able to pin point the story I was telling myself, I was able to breakthrough. This is a constant practice.
Take action: Let go, lighten up, rest, restore, and/or break up a hard task into much smaller parts and do 1 step at a time.
INVENTORY
Review all the events of your life, going back as far as you can remember in your childhood up until the present day. Consider all the things small, medium and large you have had to overcome as well as your accomplishments. Situations such as heartbreak, certain achievements, facing fears, a hard childhood, getting into certain programs, completing school or trainings, dealing with challenging or abusive people, career change, work confusion, illness, family illness, financial issues, decisions, directions and paths.
Write a list of everything you have had to overcome.
Make a list of all your achievements
What did you need emotionally and mentally in order to overcome or achieve the hardest tasks and circumstances of your life?
How did they shape who you are today?
What are you proud of in yourself? Feel free to brag here. :)
When you struggle with appreciation, whether it’s towards yourself, life, your family, friends or partner: Describe what happens to your physiology, focus, language, and stories. Get clear on what is your pattern is when you struggle with appreciation.
What can you do differently?
PRACTICE TIPS
Unmanaged expectations and self criticalness will demolish appreciation, and being appreciative of who you are and what you’ve done is a major part of self-acceptance. The suggestions below are actions that create new neural-pathways, otherwise known as “re-wiring” behavior. It works. But it requires your full participation.
For 1 week, practice catching and then “intercepting” your negative/stressed self talk. This is a practice of radical awareness because stressful thoughts are non-unique, (meaning we all stress mostly about love, money, family and health) unconscious, repetitive thought patterns that hypnotically message our subconscious. This exercise is intended to make you very consciously aware of when they are happening, and when they do: A). Immediately interrupt the thought by stopping it. Personally, in those moments I say to myself “I am not going down that road”. B) Replace the thought with either focusing on whatever you’re doing in that present moment or with an affirming thought such as: “It’s all good” “I’ve got this”, “I’ll be ok” or you can directly address your younger self with: “It’s OK _____ (insert your nickname). The idea is to make this a common practice, but first try it very deliberately for 1 week and journal about your experience.
Celebrate your wins regularly - even if just to yourself. We live in a society where we’ve become disturbingly accustomed to bonding over pain and stress, as opposed to bonding over our successes. Self - deprecation is not humility.
For 1 week, at the end of your day write down what you did RIGHT. Reach for the smallest things because this could be a trap if you’re hard on yourself.