Sections
STATE:
State refers to our emotional temperature at any given time. You may have heard of “emotional state”. State is just that. Our state is the sum total of 5 forces: physiology, focus, language, story and meaning.
Let's use stress as an example:
Physiology: When you’re stressed out, your body takes on a certain pattern that universally involves tension. This manifests for some in the neck jaw and shoulders, for others in their lower backs, and for some in their digestion.
Focus: To be stressed, you have to be focusing on something that makes you stressed. Could be on the uncertainty of a situation you need certainty on, it could be a projection into a future catastrophe, or it could be on a loss, or a “what if” worry.
Language: These are the words and thoughts you subconsciously and habitually use to describe your experience. In order to be stressed, you are using language that is increasing the stress, such as “I am so stressed out” or “what if” , or “I am lost” or “what am I going to do?” Often the thoughts include a question that remains unanswered, or sets us up for only 1 answer that isn't satisfactory.
Story and meaning: When you’re stressed, you have a story or a narrative about what is happening that is making you stressed. “This happened… then she said….. then he said….. then when I saw this……my father did this….. my mom said that…..then if I do this, then that will happen…” etc. A story is a string of thoughts tied together that form a script or a scene from a movie in our minds. The story is a combination of both the actual description of the events/circumstances as well as our interpretation of those events. Our interpretation is the meaning we assign to any given circumstance. Its: “if this happens, then it must mean that.” If a story means that something is “bad” we will be in a negative state. Conversely, if it means something “good”, we will be in a positive state.
If you OR your partner are in consistent and persistent low energy, stressed out, negative states, it will harm your relationship.
INVENTORY
Are you, or have you been in low states more often than usual?
Who do you become when you are stressed? How do you behave? What are some of your patterns when stressed?
How does it impact your partner and your relationship?
What can you do, starting today, to manage your emotions better? i.e.: Get help, change your outlook, meditate, exercise, eat better, communicate your feelings more, change jobs, etc.
Your Partner’s State:
How do you cope with your partner’s negative states? Get detailed here.
Is your emotional temperature based on your partner's state? If so do you: try to fix by teaching or coaching (control); shut down; get trapped in excessive worry.
Identify Your Relationship “State” Pattern:
Here are common examples of how you and your partner could be caught in sticky relationship pattern due to stress induced states:
A. You are regularly stressed and since your partner/spouse does not know how to “fix it” you feel him/her react to you often. The reaction could be frustration, anger, shutting down, checking out, or feeling blue. You then feel misunderstood, unseen, unheard, and/or unloved. This perpetuates your stress.
B. Your partner or spouse is often negative. You feel powerless to help, and you also miss the person who you fell in love with. You try to cheer him/her up, but it doesn't work. This makes you depressed/anxious/frustrated, and disconnected from him/her. You feel like strangers to one another.
C. You are both facing one of life’s inevitable obstacles. Perhaps financial, or an illness, or a problem with your child or parent. You are both stressed and are not connecting and collaborating to find a solution. Instead, you’re fighting and arguing over the circumstance and not seeing eye to eye.
RESPONSIBILTY /ACCOUNTABILITY:
Once we have insight into ourselves, including our states, then we must be 100 percent responsible for the energy, thoughts and behavior we bring to our lives, and thus our relationship. In other words, we must be accountable for the amount of and quality of dysfunction we bring to our relationship and openly express our responsibility to our partner when it is necessary - which will be a lot.
A person who is not self aware and who does not take responsibility for their thoughts, behaviors and actions is a narcissist. You are not a narcissist. You would not be interested in this work if you were. It is possible you are in a relationship with one, or have a parent who is one.
To be accountable is not a punishment nor a shameful undertaking. It is a privilege even though it can be mentally laborious especially at times when we feel like a victim in our relationship.
But, it is a must. If you want to solve your relationship issues, you have no choice but to be responsible for yourself. Taking responsibility improves the quality of our lives, and that includes all our relationships.
INVENTORY
Do your best to answer these questions as truthfully as you possibly can. They are all designed to bring you closer to the truth, and confronting the truth is medicine for your relationship.
Do you ever feel like a victim in your relationship? How so? (if you don’t, wonderful. Reflect on another relationship where perhaps you do sometimes feel like one)
Typically when we feel victimized in a relationship, we feel blamed, criticized and misunderstood. While I 100 percent do not support your partner blaming you nor criticizing you, I do not want you to feel like a victim. Take a complaint your partner/spouse has of you, and let's temporarily put aside the fact that perhaps the way in which they express their concern is not ideal. Can you see why they have that complaint? How so?
Do you have a hard time asserting yourself effectively - that is, non aggressively inside your relationship?
Do you ask for what you need?
If you were to rate yourself from 0-10 (zero being not at all, and ten being hell yes) on how honest you are with your loved one about your feelings, fears, and doubts - how would you rate yourself?
How are your fears, if at all, impacting your relationship? Which fears specifically?
How often do you blame or criticize your partner? Even if in your head?
Do you struggle with giving your spouse a heartfelt and authentic apology when they feel hurt by something you did or say - even if it was not your intention?
Do you believe that most of the problems in your relationship is really your partner’s problem?
How do you contribute to the issues you have with this person?