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Keeping the passion alive in a long term relationship demands attention and communication. The no.1 reason why sex is (mostly) hot in the beginning of the relationship is because of danger. The danger of the unknown. You don’t actually know where its headed, if he or she is truly into you, or if you’ll be rejected. All the unknowns that eventually will stress you out and close your heart are exactly what turns you on in the beginning. It’s IRONIC.
What helps? Aliveness. In the beginning, we are usually our most energetic, fun, adventurous selves. Aliveness leads to novelty, and novelty leads to surprise. Novelty, surprise, and aliveness are the playground for passion, and the formula for keeping passion afloat for the long term.
The certainty / uncertainty paradox:
As I covered, both certainty and uncertainty are essential human needs as well as essential elements for a healthy, thriving relationship.
The qualities of certainty in a relationship:
Friendship, togetherness, coziness, security, Netflix, ice cream, sweatpants, comfort, family, trust, respect, routine.
The qualities of (healthy) uncertainty in a relationship:
Excitement, separateness, novelty, adventure, passion, experimentation, dates, changing it up, differences, inspiration, fun.
Your sex life is directly proportionate to how much energy you bring to your life and to the relationship. However we women need to feel secure emotionally in order to delve into the unknown with our partner. That is why when you’re struggling to connect emotionally with your partner, your sex drive will inevitably suffer.
INVENTORY
Are you and your partner stuck in a certainty rut?
If yes, how do you contribute to it?
How are you feeling in your skin lately? If not great, there's no doubt that's impacting your relationship. What can you do starting today to feel more comfortable in your body?
What did you do both personally and as a couple, in the beginning of the relationship, that you could start to bring back now? *this could be energetic (how you “showed up”), a mindset, actual activities such as dates, adventures, etc.
TIPS AND SCRIPTS
If something deeper and more systemic is going on in your relationship that’s dwindling your sex life, then please absorb this entire blueprint, the communication blueprint, and the self acceptance blueprint. If you need more help, seek out a couples coach or therapist. Script: “I think we have issues that we need to really address. Our relationship deserves that. Are you on board with getting a third party to help us get back on track? I love you.”
The amount of “life” your relationship has is in direct proportion to how much life each of you feel within yourselves. Being that you can only control you, tending to your life is paramount. What needs your attention so that you can feel more alive? Script: “Babe, I haven't been my best self in a while and I am going to get to the bottom of it so I can show up more present and inspired. Here's how I could use your support in doing this……”
If you believe your partner is the one who needs help tending to his or her own life, speak honestly and kindly to them. Script: “Honey, it seems like you’re having a hard time (maybe its work, kids, stress management, body/health). I care deeply for your happiness. How can I help you get back on the right track?”
GO ON DATES. Dinner dates are great, especially if you don’t go out much. But remember the section on the 6 human needs? Plan a surprise date that you know your partner would absolutely light up over even if it’s not exactly your thing.
Dress up for your lover once and a while! Put on something that you would have worn in the beginning. Whatever you adorned your body with in the beginning do now. Whatever upkeep you did in the beginning, bring it back as best as you can.
Don't have sex the same ole way you always do. Mix it up. Have sex with your clothes on if they are always off. Switch up the positions, have sex in the kitchen, the shower, or the car. Have oral sex. Try skipping intercourse and just make out.
Breathe together. Intercourse is an easy place to check out. Whether it’s getting stuck in our heads about pleasing, reaching orgasm, or spacing out into our own pleasure - its imperative that you keep coming back to the present moment with your partner. Sync your breathing with your partner’s. You can absolutely decide before hand to do that with one another. It’s incredibly powerful.
Partake in “energetic foreplay”: When you’re at a party/group dinner/hanging with friends/event together, Separate and engage with others. Watch your partner engage with others, and let him/her watch you from afar. Then steal glances and have moments of eye contact here and there. Yes, this is a game, and it’s a fun one that builds erotic pressure.
Schedule it. This is where you need to be pragmatic because life is busy. Perhaps you have children, complicated work schedules, etc. I realize it may feel very unromantic to schedule your sex in, but what is romantic is being so utterly committed to one another that you prioritize your sex life and won’t let it fall by the way side.
POLARITY
As described in the recording, feminine and masculine energies are represented in nature and within us. Other manifestations of these polar energies are reflected in the sun (solar) and the moon (lunar), Yin and Yang, Shiva and Shakti, men and women.
The light qualities of feminine energy: movement, flowing, receptive, appreciation, open, soft, nurturing, vulnerable, intuitive, light, easeful, relaxed, lunar/moon like, birth, maternal, empathy, compassion, menstruation, moon, waves, emotions, feelings, earth, water, air, flexible, nature, estrogen, progesterone, oxytocin, security, dependent, connection, gatherer, queen, powerful, dynamic, unpredictable, victim, judgmental, emotional storms, seductress, witchy, fire, matriarchy, sexy, red, raw. FEELING EMOTION
The qualities of masculine energy: steadfast, rock, decisive, present, reliable, hard, inflexible, leader, paternal, driven, purpose, driven, mission, even keeled, unemotional, thinking, thinker, strategizing, vision, testosterone, cave, independent, hunter, king, takes charge, restraint, giver, giving, pursuing, sun/solar, fire, wood, steel, independent, accountable, significance, loner, predictable, real, problem solver, action, adventure, risk, sharp, steer, focus, stoic, unfeeling, cold. LOGICAL AND RATIONAL.
The friendship aspect of your relationship depends on sameness.The passion relies on polarity. *be sure to listen to the audio in order to fully understand this section.
Symptoms of being in your masculine too much and disconnected from your feminine:
Your body feels persistently tense, tight, and gripped
Stress induced hormonal imbalance and endocrine issues (stress causes progesterone to deplete which then causes more stress.)
feeling the need to control everything, fix and problem solve
only focused on work, money, and achievement, and fixated on goals
isolating
exhausted and craving nature, down time, and friendship.
problems connecting and understanding your partner.
difficulty relaxing and being able to receive
closed, protected, and invulnerable
unhappy (feeling disconnected from your truest nature is a hugely overlooked cause for unhappiness and stress).
Partner seems less attracted to you and drawn to you
Symptoms of needing to connect with aspects of your masculine:
Extreme difficulty making decisions
Difficulty making a living and taking care of yourself financially (if that is what you want)
Not being accountable
Not taking action when you need to take action
lack of focus and purpose
Lacking leadership when you need it. (not everyone is nor needs to be a leader.)
How to restore your feminine energy:
Connection. Connection reduces stress in women more than anything else, and studies show that regular connection with other women actually increases progesterone and oxytocin
Spend time in nature. Nothing more powerful than connecting with the ultimate source of feminine: Mother Nature.
Talk about your feelings. This is why therapy is and retreats are most valuable and frequented by women.
After work, transition out of strategizing mode, and let go. It helps to change clothes, take a bath, eat a nice meal, connect with your partner and/or children, connect with a pet.
Self care that is not personal development specific based on what you enjoy: spa, massage, yoga, manicures, etc.
Creativity: writing, painting, music, drawing, singing - whatever is your thing. Creation and creativity is highly feminine.
Resting when you need rest. Slowing down. Feeling your feelings and then letting go.
Laughter. Laughing flushes out excess cortisol and brings back homeostasis to our endocrine system,
Dancing. freely!
Gratitude and appreciation
Orgasm. The ultimate let go and a fantastic cortisol flush.
INVENTORY
Do you want more passion in your relationship?
If yes, what’s impacting it? Stress, lack of polarity, addiction to certainty and routine, all of the above? Get detailed here.
How have you been, if at all, disconnected from your feminine? Maybe you feel disconnected from masculine?
Do you feel more connection with your partner when you are more in touch with your feminine?
Have you noticed that when your partner is more in his or her masculine, you feel more relaxed and/or sexual?
Reviewing the lists above, what points/symptoms resonate with you the most?
What is your physiology experiencing regularly? Are you tense, tight, have endocrine issues, feel blocked, over worked adrenals, over thinking…
What are ways you can let go of the need to control in your life? List it out.
What do you need to do starting immediately to restore balance?
TIPS AND SCRIPTS:
Honestly take stock on your stress levels lately and how they’ve been effecting your emotions, mood, and body. Then be super honest with yourself in how they've been impacting your relationship and home life.
If things feel very out of control and unmanageable, decide if its time to hire someone like a therapist or coach, then do it. You may just really need to talk to someone safe and objective.
If that doesn't describe you, its time to create a daily practice that brings you home to yourself and your nature. Some ideas:
meditation. This has been personally profound for me and my clients on reducing stress, strengthening intuition, letting go, and restoring homeostasis.
FEEL YOUR EMOTIONS. Ugh this one is tough because we are not conditioned to truly feel them. But for women in particular, suppressed emotion is the fastest way to stress ourselves out.
exercise. If you have been super stressed and tired, hard workouts are going to work against you by further depleting your adrenals. Try yoga and lighter exercise.
Take time outs to: read, write, rest, daydream.
Cleanse your internal dialogue:
“it’s ok to feel my feelings. I don’t have to repress or suppress them.”
“I’m going to let go now”
“I’m gonna rest now”
“It will all be ok”
“Breathe”.