Sections
HIS EMOTIONS
The man, or key men in your life feels. I know that can be sometimes hard to imagine, but its true. He feels deeply, gets his feelings hurt, and worries just like you. But, as described in the audio, he faces a nature and nurture conundrum. He wants to and should learn to be able to express what he’s feeling more, but to divorce himself from his rational and logical mind is actually not good for him nor is it good for you.
Every man is different. What every woman I’ve ever spoken to on the topic wants in a man is one who is strong, and who is able to communicate his emotions in a mature way. But just like we women have a lot to work to do in order to defy our own fears and conditioning, so do men. If your man (or even your father!) is stoic, unexpressive and uncommunicative about his feelings, it’s because he was taught he must be that way. He has not learned that he can share emotions without being an emotional out-of-control mess. He has not learned that by bottling it up, he actually increases his chances for becoming an emotional mess!
What does this mean for you?
It means that you have every right - in fact, I encourage you to assert your need for more emotional intimacy and open communication. But it also means that you need to be patient when you know he’s taking it seriously and is trying. Which leads me to:
YOUR HAPPINESS:
Your man lives to make you happy. LIVES FOR IT. His primary goal is to be your hero, which I hope gives you insight into his fears and feelings of inadequacy. However, if you both are struggling, you likely don't feel like your happiness is important to him at all. It is.
Because when a man feels chronically that he can’t make you happy, he will withdraw, check out, shut down, and stop trying. He’ll give up, which is incredibly frustrating and painful to us. It doesn't feel fair.
When I work with men I help them understand that while they can and should contribute to their partners happiness, they are NOT responsible for it. But fair or not, this is how they feel. This is also why you may have experienced your man not being “able to handle” your negative emotions, or his frustration when he can’t solve your problems and cheer you up. I've been there, and it was extremely confusing. I felt trapped and unloved.
If you’re stressed or facing a problem, he can’t fix it. If he can't fix it, he can't make you happy. If he can’t make you happy, he feels useless, if he feels useless he feels purposeless. And this is like death to the masculine.
So what are we supposed to do with that? It doesn't feel fair, but my hope is that it encourages you to be more mindful and appreciate him more for all that he has done in an effort to make you happy.
INVENTORY
Be as truthful as you can be here:
Do you struggle with your mood?
Do you find yourself in perpetually dealing with internal conflict?
Do you struggle with negativity, or always seeing the glass half empty? I know personally I have had my fair share of these issues over my adult life, and they unquestionably impacted my romantic relationships.
**It’s very possible that your partner is the one who suffers more with his mood and you feel at a loss since you don't want to have to solve his problems, and can't anyway. If you want to learn how to communicate here, check out the Communication Blueprint inside the membership.
What happens if and when you feel like your man cannot handle any negative emotion from you? Do you bottle it up? Do you get angry? Do you question yourself?
When you feel misunderstood and need him to just be patient and listen to you:
“I know it must be really hard for you to just sit there and listen to me. And I realize it may seem like a waste of time, but I hugely appreciate your patience and it means the world to me and it is so helpful.”
“I appreciate how important it is to you to make me happy and to experience my happiness. But right now, what will help me and what will make me feel so loved and protected is if you just listen to me. When you listen it helps me so much and I feel loved.”
APPRECIATION
As a woman, you have many needs that your boyfriend, husband, or partner needs to understand, but connection is what is primary to the feminine. In order to feel close to our lover, we need to feel connected. In order to feel respected, we need to feel connected. Men need this too, but their most primal need is to feel appreciated.
Within the context of the “6 human Needs,” being appreciated is his primary vehicle for feeling loved, significant and certain.
When you appreciate him, you will get more of your needs met because your appreciation validates to him that he is SUCCEEDING WITH YOU. When you reward him with your authentic acknowledgement, it makes him want to do more of what you asked him to do. Why? Because his goal is to succeed with you. If you doubt me, I dare you to try it!
INVENTORY
Do you, or have you ever struggled with feeling appreciative of your man?
Have you struggled to express it?
Do you complain when he doesn't fulfill a request of yours (whatever that request may be)
If you’re in a very challenging place with your partner, you may need third party help outside of this blueprint. The key to knowing this is if after doing all the exercises in this blueprint you do not feel genuine appreciation because you are too hurt.
PRACTICE
Take a moment now to reflect on the ways your man has tried to make you happy. If you feel like he doesn't try anymore, then reflect on the past when he did. You wouldn't be with him if he never tried and succeeded at contributing to your happiness.
Starting today, practice expressing your appreciation for him. You could say, “I really appreciate it when you______” or “You make me feel so happy when you ______” or “You are so amazing when you _______” or “Thank you for taking care of ______”. The key to these comments is sincerity. If it’s not sincere, go back to step 1 and try to invoke the feeling first.
TIPS
When you notice his trying to fulfill a need or request of yours, reward him - more than you think. Human beings are motivated by success, and we tend to give up when we are not successful. Show him he's on the right track.
More than likely, there are things that your partner does that you haven't registered as helpful. It could be little things or big things like working hard to support you and your family. Sometimes we take things for granted. That doesn't make anyone bad, it just makes us human. To be a conscious woman, you want to bring more awareness to your blind spots. This could be one of them.
HIS KRYPTONITE:
Complaining kills your man. Complaining is a bad habit, and one I have definitely indulged in!Men, or more masculine connected people, are solution oriented beings. Complaining is the opposite of a solution, in fact, it is the anti-solution. Complaining also triggers him because once again he feels like he can’t make you happy, and is often reminded of negative memories of his mom and childhood.
For example, let's say you go out for dinner and he's the one who chose the restaurant. But you don’t like it, and you tear it apart a little. This makes him feel like a failure. I know, it sounds ridiculous and rather exhausting having to protect his ego in this way, but there are a few ways to look at this:
He's got a fragile ego and I’m over it.
He chose the restaurant and actually had me in mind when he chose it and wants me to enjoy it.
Complaining is a crappy habit anyway, so while I don’t have to gush, I can appreciate that we’re out for dinner and spending quality time together.
What do you do when HE is the complainer?
“Honey, you are an incredible problem solver - what’s the solution?”
“Babe, I know it’s not ideal, but can you be patient for me? I’m enjoying myself and I would be even happier if you joined me.”
These two examples work like a charm. If some variation of the above doesn't work because the complaining problem is more severe and chronic, then you’ll need to assert yourself skillfully:
“Honey. You’ve been complaining a lot recently and I know what a kick ass problem solver you are. I love you, but I’m afraid that the negativity is going to make me shut down and I don't want that for us. How can I help?”
Then pause. This is when he will likely get in his head and become more strategic. If he needs time to process, give that to him.
SPACE
Communication is key, but for the majority of men, a lot of talking doesn't always help him process. Space to process is often what works.
Sometimes, he doesn't want to talk about it, and sometimes, he really shouldn’t have to.
This can present quite the conundrum in heterosexual relationships because women and men often process VERY differently. You do not have to tolerate a man who does not communicate. But, you can appreciate the fact that he is both biologically wired and conditioned differently than you. If he gets quiet and needs to take space in moments of heightened conversation, give him his space.
A note on testosterone: The myth that a violent or angry man has too much testosterone is just that: a myth. In fact, it is the complete opposite. Any man who has lost control of his emotions and composure is experiencing - at least in that moment - lowered testosterone. Which means, when he has an instinct to pull away and take space when he is either stressed, overwhelmed or exhausted - regardless if it is related to you or not, that instinct is to regain hormonal equilibrium. This is where the concept of the “man cave” was derived from. Men are 10x more likely to physiologically respond to heightened emotion than a woman. His blood pressure rises FASTER than a woman. This coupled by the fact that he generally does not know how to express his emotions as fluently as a woman will put him in an out of control state. To take space is his attempt to regain control.
TIPS
Your lover, present or future, lives to make you happy. If he has no desire to do that, something is wrong, and you’ll need to address your relationship. If you just started dating him and he doesn't seem to care about seeing you happy, then end it.
Men intuitively want to keep their hormones in check, as do we. Connecting with you is very important for balancing his hormones, and taking space is equally, if not more so. Encourage him to take space or go hang out with his male friends when he's stressed out.
When communicating with him, instead of asking: “what do you feel about ___?”, ask: “what do you think about ____?” Men generally respond to the word “think” rather than “feel”.
His attention span is not as long as yours when it comes to listening and empathizing. He will want to cut to the chase faster and problem solve. Keep this in mind when you share with him. A man who is checked out is not in his power. A man who listens but has a certain time threshold, however, is normal.
If you’re very independent, don't change. But we need each other. To feel needed is a very important aspect of intimacy. Throw your man a bone once and while by appreciating what he has to offer you that is better than what you can offer yourself.
If you notice that after periods of intimacy and closeness he seems to pull away, this is normal. Connection raises a man's estrogen (as it does yours) which he needs, but he needs a lot more testosterone to be healthy. His taking some space is an attempt to restore internal balance. It becomes unhealthy and concerning if he's constantly pulling away, giving you mixed messages, and appears unavailable emotionally.
Appreciate him. That is not the same as taking his crap. It means that if you love him, then you just know that the key to his heart is largely accessed through your ability to let him know he is often your hero.