Section 9: When to End It

SIGNS OF RELATIONSHIP TOXICITY

A Toxic relationship is spoiled. Its rancidity is poisonous to your entire system, and the only antidote to the venomous hold it has on your psyche, emotions, and physiology is to end the relationship.

The key difference between an unhealthy relationship and a toxic one is that in some cases, an unhealthy relationship can get healthy. A toxic one has reached the point of no return. And no amount of denial or fear is going to change that.

When a strong enough toxin hits our bodies especially for a period of time, we’ll experience symptoms of disease. When you feel trapped by a toxic relationship, it’ll feel like your soul is sick.

Your body in a toxic relationship:

I’ve been in unhealthy dynamics before, but I can only point to one toxic relationship. I share this because I know how it feels on a chemical level.The pain penetrates on a cellular level and on a soul level. Its spiritual pain. It’s the anguish of knowing that no matter how hard you try to hide under the heavy blanket of denial, you are not in a good situation - at all. It’s the undeniable ache of when someone invades your reality and distorts your perception of yourself. It’s the suffering of self-abandonment.

In extremely unhealthy and toxic relationships you may experience:

• excessive fatigue

• body aches

• no motivation

• intense stress

• dizziness

• digestive stress

• depression

• anxiety

• crying a lot

• weakness

• insomnia

Abuse: any physical, verbal and emotional abuse is toxic. Physical is obvious. Verbal abuse includes: name-calling, put-downs, sarcasm (that isn't part of the couple’s sense of humor code). Emotional abuse includes: gas lighting, stone walling, manipulation, controlling mind games, lying and stealing.

Substance abuse: if 1 or both people have untreated substance abuse problems, then toxicity will most likely be an issue.

Estrangement: It’s common for those in relationship with toxic people to stop spending time with family and friends. The couple will often cocoon themselves off from the world. This is mostly seen when someone is under the controlling, manipulative and narcissistic spell of their partner.

Fights: Constant fighting, often escalating to a point where 1 or both people are consistently having to “apologize” for “saying those things”. A ton of text fights.

Feelings of: hatred, disgust, and contempt for your partner.

Feeling “addicted” to your partner: The very nature of addiction is that we feel powerless to stop a behavior/habit that we know is bad for us.

Inadequacy: 1 or both experience persistent feelings of inadequacy and not being enough for their partner: This could be because 1 or both cheat, are checked out, act cold, and/or are completely emotionally and physically unavailable to one another.

Desperation: One feels desperate to keep the relationship even though they’ve had to sacrifice their needs, values, and dreams. One will often plea with their partner to change or stay. What I always say is: Stop trying to shake sense into someone hoping that they’ll magically transform into the partner you desperately need. This isn’t fair. This is how you play a role in the dysfunction. In the toxic cycle. Instead, this is when you set someone free. And YOU.

Intensity and Scarcity: the relationship is based almost solely on sexual chemistry because there really isn't any trust and emotional intimacy. Lust without the balance of trust, respect, and availability is complete turmoil. Turmoil = Toxic.

If you’re in a toxic situation:

GET OUT. I know how completely overwhelming that feels. I really do. The reason why it’s so daunting is because your self worth is at an all time low, and you’ve convinced yourself that this person is all there is for you. You’ve hypnotized yourself into believing that life without them - aka the unknown -  is scary and dark and horrible. But if you’re truly in a toxic situation, you already are in a scary, dark and horrible place even if you lie to yourself daily and numb yourself out from feeling the gravity of the situation. If you care about this person, you won’t continue to hold him or her hostage. If you care about yourself, you won’t continue to stay.

And don’t think you need to do it alone. Get help in the form of family, friends, therapists, coaches, yoga, meditation. Get all the help you need to figure it all out.

Trust me, the pain of continuing on is long term suffering. The pain from finally breaking up, however, is short term, Choose the short term pain - rip the bandaid off quickly. Your soul depends on it. Your life and your future depends on it. And if you have kids, your kids emotional well-being depends on it.