Introduction
So many people are in a ‘1 foot in / 1 foot out’ relationship and it’s a big mistake. It creates unnecessary confusion and pain. My opinion is: if that is how you roll, then you have two options: get out of the relationship and figure yourself out, or get in the game completely and figure it out. This blueprint is designed to help you get in the game, but it will also bring clarity if you are unclear about the game your in.
To be clear, I am in favor of commitment. Real, “two feet in” and courageous commitment.
That being said, there are several practical conversations that every couple should have, regardless if they’ve been together a year or 20 years. Conversations about children and child rearing, finances, life style, household responsibilities and more. There are conversations that I urge couples to have before they get married, but many are ones to revisit as the years pass.
One of the most important conversations that is never too late to have is where you discuss what the culture of your relationship will be or what you would like it to become.
It begins with a two-part question:
What kind of arrangement do you view or hope your relationship to be? - Is it a spiritual arrangement, a practical one, or something else?
It could be a combination, but I am going to zero in on “spiritual” arrangement. Being that the term “spiritual” is somewhat vague and controversial, I will elaborate on what I mean.
If you view relationship as a space to learn how to: give and receive love, reconcile with your past, overcome your childhood dramas, be challenged to be a better person than you were yesterday, collaborate, listen, communicate artfully, negotiate boundaries, face your greatest fears, not give up without a fight, be strong, be real, be raw and vulnerable…. if a relationship is a place you go to grow up WITH someone and build a legacy WITH someone, then you believe (or wish) your relationship to be a spiritual arrangement first and foremost.
INVENTORY
What does relationship mean to you?
What does commitment mean to you - how does it look, feel, play out?
What kind of arrangement is your partnership? (you can also reflect on your past ones if you are single) Does it feel contractual, practical, psychological, spiritual? A combo?
What would you like it to be?
If you were to aim for a more “spiritual” arrangement, what would have to change? What must stay the same?
Write the first words that come to mind when you think of the ideal relationship.
Rate your relationship as it is currently against your “ideal” words. What is working? What could be better?
If you view your commitment to one another to be a spiritual arrangement, then the back door cannot exist.
In other words, divorce (whether you are legally married or not) is really not an option. It means that you don't bring up the D word or B (breakup) word when you are going through a harrowing time. Because please hear me when I say there will be harrowing times. If you're committed for the long haul, you will have many relationships within the relationship. Ebbs, flows, lots of sex, no sex, death of loved ones, illness, depression, anxiety, parenthood, losing all your money, making it all back, moving, changing, sacrifices and potentially more.