Sections
Common conflict patterns:
1 person doesn't feel her partners presence and attention and feels unfulfilled. The other does not feel like he/she can make her happy, so they check out even more.
Paradoxical conflict: Both people are not communicating so they are both generally disengaged from the relationship under the pretense that everything is fine. This is an avoidance pattern.
One person feels exhausted from doing everything and feels like their partner doesn't do enough. The other feels burdened by complaining and unappreciated.
Both people do not actually want the same things in the future and refuse to give up on the relationship and face the truth that they are on different paths.
TRIGGERED
Our Reactive Behavioral Patterns in Relationship:
Everyone has behavioral reactive habits they turn to when they’re triggered in a relationship. Remember, when you’re triggered, your deepest fears of not being enough and not loved are at the root of that trigger. Whenever you feel uncertain, insignificant, or unloved, you have a pattern that you go to most often. We learned all these patterns through our conditioning. The conditioning of who you thought you had to be to get love, the conditioning of learning, modeling, or rebelling against a family member’s behavior, the conditioning of your past, and of society.
Our reactivity is really our response to our past.
Whenever any one of us feel like love or attention could be taken away from us in our relationship, we go to either: Control, please, fight, flee, withdraw, freeze, or fix. And yes, it’s very common to do ALL these things when we feel hurt, but if we’re real with ourselves, there is always one that we go to the most. This is how you “punish” in your relationship.
** it’s important to note that you may be severely triggered in one relationship, and not in others. This is why who we choose to be in relationship with is very important.**
We go to these reactions is an effort to regain our certainty and our self importance.
Here’s how these patterns manifest, and there's some overlap.
Control:
physiology: tightness, stiff neck and shoulders, gut issues, tight jaw and shallow breath. Unable to let loose, and feeling very disconnected from your body
Telling your partner what they can do or not do, see or not see, wear or not wear. Believe, act, do, behave, say, be.
Withholding is a form of control
Managing your environment excessively and managing outcomes to make sure you spend more time together, or talk more often. This could look like excessive texting and clinging.
Managing their feelings or emotions, so that they don't feel bad, because when they feel bad, you fear they will leave you or take away love in some form.
EXAMPLE: the tendency to control is very common when your person is withdrawing and seeking freedom from the relationship, and that triggers the need to cling and “trap” them back into the circle of your relationship. This is a very common dynamic and one that I was in with my ex husband.
Pleasing:
Similar physiology to control, it vacillates between anxiety and anger.
The feeling is a dread of rocking the boat. Fear of confrontation and of making the other person angry. It is a disconnection from what you are actually feeling, and a hyper focus on the other person.
Giving from a place of lack and fear, not from love and feeling nurtured. Making sure they never get angry at you or leave you.
Lying. Or lying by omission to avoid anger, disappointment or rejection.
Example: the tendency to please is very common when you have a hard time truly receiving, and you deflect and instead focus on others. It breeds a ton of resentment both in you and potentially your partner. A common dynamic (although not limited to) is: a pleaser being with a selfish taker. Both patterns feed each other creating a painful relationship pattern.
Fighting:
Physiology: heat, pressure cooker, rapid breathing, tension.
The “fight” of fight or flight. Moves towards conflict and confrontation. Resorting to yelling, raising one’s voice, loss of control, rage, using harsh language, being irrational, debating, bickering, all about confrontation, defensiveness. Up for battle.
Fighting relates to the emotion of anger. The anger is covering up the hurt and fear, but the emotion that comes up is anger.
Can also look like bickering
Resentment is a form of anger and can lead to fighting.
Example: Many people who tend towards fighting when triggered learned it from a parent growing up. It is sometimes cultural. In certain cultures, raising one’s voice is part of how they express. To fight is part of the dynamic which in many ways is better than the silent treatment. It obviously becomes a big problem when it is overly dramatic, drawn out, and excessive. It becomes a problem in a dynamic where one person isn't used to fighting, and the other won’t stop. Or, when both resort to fighting and that is all they do and there is a lot of tension.
Fleeing:
Physiology: is the “flight” of fight or flight. So there’s a build up of tension and the need to flee is dominated by an anxiety of being trapped.
“Avoidant” patterning, which often makes partner cling more anxiously.
Feeling entrapped, running away, avoids conflict and confrontation.
Ending the relationship too soon; prematurely.
Running away, by refusing to discuss how you feel or refusing to listen. Or physically leaving every time you are uncomfortable and triggered.
Avoiding home, make excuses why you can't come home, staying at work later than you need to, going on vacations alone or with others.
Example: When one flees habitually, it is usually met with neediness from the other. One wants to talk about it, the other does not. Sometimes always talking is not the answer, but to flee means you prevent resolution. No resolution can be made without confrontation and “dealing” with it.
Withdrawing:
Often a depressive physiology. Rounded shoulders forward. One is withdrawing into themselves, which blocks everyone out. So the chest is sunken, slow shallow breath.
Withholding of love, silent treatment, quiet and uncommunicative.
Shutting down, very uncomfortable with expressing emotions, loss of words, passive aggressive - could be a form of control.
Seeking enjoyment and fulfillment outside of the relationship in friends, hobbies, work.
Being and feeling disengaged in the relationship.
Not being open and sharing yourself and your experience with your lover.
Example: common dynamic: one person is needy, controlling, or a fighter and the other withdraws, and as one gets needier, the other withdraws more. And the cycle feels endless. It could also be that both people withdraw and the relationship is just “there”, but there is no intimacy because of the lack of engagement.
Freezing:
The freeze of Fight, Flight or Freeze. Physiology is numbing, frozen so lack of movement and breath. Holding of breath and very tense. Rigid and tight.
Reaction-less, fear, lack of direction, loss of words, and indecisive.
Startled, feels like the rug taken out from underneath, shock.
Can look like shutting down. Not knowing how to express oneself and stand up for oneself, it can freeze your “voice” in the relationship.
Example: shows up a lot in people who don’t have a lot of self worth in their relationship and have a hard time expressing their thoughts and beliefs. This pairs a lot with fighters.
Fixing:
Physiology: alertness, tension, uprightness, action.
Discomfort in lover’s sad emotions and feels responsible for making them feel better.
Has deep discomfort with the lack of resolution and won’t let things be and sort out on its own.
Masculine in nature - more men have this tendency: action oriented, uses logic a lot and has a hard time slowing down and truly listening.
Rushed and fast.
Example: very common dynamic in men who want to fix her problems, and she ends up feeling unheard and misunderstood.
Journal Exercises:
What is your reactive “go-to” when you feel triggered?
How does it impact your relationship?
Its important to know that whatever pattern you have, part of the reason it is a pattern is because it has actually served you at times. It protected you from emotional pain, or maybe you’ve channeled it into ambition or creativity with work. How has it rewarded/served you?
How has this pattern blocked love from entering you as well as from being projecting from you?
Even if you don't know how to yet, describe in detail scenario where this reactive pattern has been super triggered. Describe how you would have preferred to have handled it. What would you do? Say? Feel? Who would you reach out to, if anybody, for help?
Often we feel triggered by our partner’s reactivity. If that is the case for you, it’s important to see where or how you may be projecting your parent onto them or rejecting a part of yourself that you don’t accept. That being said, sometimes we will have a different fighting style and find it hard to tolerate.
SCRIPTS AND TIPS:
When your partner’s style is loud and combative:
“I understand you're angry, but in order for me to really hear your point, I need you speak more slowly and quietly”.
When your partner shuts down:
“I want to give you your space to process, but I also need to know what you're thinking and feeling about this. Can you let me know when you will be ready to talk about it?”
When your partner gets needy:
“I know you must be feeling scared and afraid that I am going to leave you. I’m not, but I need my space to process, and I will return to speak with you. Just give me a little time.”
When your partner freezes:
“ Are you ok? Let's take a time out and breathe.”
When your partner goes into fix it mode:
“I appreciate your wanting to help, but I really don't need you to fix this right now. What I need is to feel your presence, and for you to listen to me for now, ok?”
How to break your pattern:
You want to train yourself to be a more proficient Responder and less of a Reactor. In other words, train yourself to be more “response-able”. But truthfully, this is a lot easier to do in areas of life that is NOT romantic relationship. You will never be triggerless. You cannot expect to be or behave perfectly - nor can you expect that from your partner.
Instead of pressuring yourself to be a perfect partner, aim to become more mindful of when you are being reactive and try to catch yourself in the moment. It’s a skill that must be tirelessly practiced. When you take the pause that exists between feeling and reaction and fill it up with a change in your physiology and a questioning of your most limiting thoughts, you will successfully interrupt your pattern:
Physiology: Connect with your body. Locate where you feel the tension most and BREATHE. Breath requires a pause. That pause is your best friend in these moments. Pause stops reaction. Take a time out, go exercise or go for a walk. Drink a glass of water and hydrate. Most people are walking around chronically dehydrated which is detrimental to our cognitive function.
Share what sensations you’re feeling in your body. Be completely transparent and vulnerable: “I feel really triggered, and I feel all this intense emotion, and tightness in my chest and belly.” Be honest and say you need a time out to re-group if you do. This is how you take care of YOU in your relationship.
When you fail to break your pattern, immediately forgive yourself and take accountability by acknowledging it to your partner and apologizing for it. Apology goes a really long way when we are clear about taking responsibility and NOT making it about OUR shame or guilt. “I know I reacted strongly and I apologize for not communicating what I was feeling. I’ll do my best to really show up and express myself better, for us.”
Rules and expectations
Everyone has rules about how life is supposed to be and about how people, including ourselves, should or should not be, look like and act. Our rules play a huge role in how we feel. Rules are the result of our conditioning - meaning, how we’ve been impacted and molded by the events of our past: past relationships, traumas, parents, and societal conditioning. We have rules that make us happy, and ones that make us miserable. For example, someone could say to you, “I’m so happy because the weather is beautiful!” The rule here is: The weather has to be beautiful for me to be happy. Which means, when the weather is crap, this person, although maybe not miserable, will not be AS happy as she could be.
Whenever someone has pissed you off, it is because they have broken one of your rules: Have you ever said to yourself: “He really should not have said that” or “She shouldn’t be late”, or “I really should be able to”. If you have a rule that being late is a not OK, or bad, or rude, then every time someone is late, you are going to be upset because they did not meet your expectation of how you believe one should behave.
If your partner is chronically breaking one of your rules and therefore not meeting your expectations, you will likely come up with a meaning which resembles: “He/she doesn't care about me”. This meaning will be a slippery slope that can lead to more conflict than is necessary.
INVENTORY
Write down, in a list format, all the emotions and feelings you would love to and need to experience in a relationship: (ie: love, feeling accepted, appreciated, understood, sexy, wanted, chosen, etc.) Get all the most important feelings down.
Next to each feeling or emotion, write down what has to happen in order for you to feel that emotion. Write as many “has to happens” for each feeling as there are. Example: “He has to tell me everyday he loves me”, “she has to initiate sex 5x a week”. If you find yourself writing “I have to feel like I am #1 to my partner” - then you must go much deeper: What has to happen for you to feel like #1 to your partner? What you will get are your rules for feeling #1. Please go down the worm hole here.
What could NEVER happen in order for you to feel what you want to feel? Just an example: “He cannot be late. If he is late more than 2 times a week, I know I am not loved”.
Now write down in list form, all the emotions and feelings you do NOT want to feel in a relationship: (rejected, unworthy, ignored, unsexy, unwanted, unloved, unimportant etc.)
Then next to each feeling or emotion, write down what has to happen in order for you to experience each unwanted emotion. Write as many “has to happen(s)” as there are.
Your “has to happen/has to not happens” are your rules in relationship. When your significant other breaks one of your rules - (aka doesn't do what he/she has to do in order for you to feel what you want to feel), that is when you’ll become triggered.
When one of your rules had been broken by your (ex) partner, what do you do? Hint: You’re reactive behavioral pattern. Be detailed with examples.
What meaning do you come up with when your lover has broken your rules? Is it that he or she doesn't love or care about you? Or? What are the stories you weave out of your frustration?
What rules does your partner have that makes it hard to make him/her happy? Did you feel like you’re disappointing him or her a lot? How did that feel?
Inspect your lists and rules carefully, and with total and complete honesty and as much light heartedness you can bring to this exercise, answer this: How challenging do you make it to feel good and loved in your relationships? Do you make it easier to feel crappy than you do to feel happy? In other words, how easy is it for your partner to break your rules?
Standards are not the same thing as rules although they are often mistaken for them. The reality is that most people have too many rules and too low of a standard for themselves and others.
Standards are the vision we hold up for ourselves and others so that we may live life to the fullest, and in accordance with our self worth. Standards are ‘high level’ expectations of ourselves and others.
If you and your partner are in conflict often, then you must look at where your rules might be getting in the way.
BICKERING
Bickering may seem small, but its relationship warfare. Bickering is what happens when you and your partner are not addressing the real issue. Paradoxically, bickering is a result of avoiding conflict. But as I said, conflict is a necessary part of relationship, and its avoidance will lead to resentment, contempt and…bickering.
If you both are bickering a lot, ask yourself these questions to get to the root cause:
What is really bothering me that I have not processed?
What do I need to say that I’m not saying?
What truth are we not facing, or avoiding?
REPAIR:
Go deeper on Repair with the Resolve Conflict Course.
As outlined, and as further detailed in the Communication Blueprint, the most important part of conflict is in the repair process. Now its time to take inventory. When looked at closely, every couple has a pattern when it comes to their conflict and repair cycles:
Describe in detail you and your partner’s (I suggest reflecting on a past relationship if you’re single) Harmony, Disharmony, and Repair pattern. Try to list all the triggers you can think of, how you fight, how long you are in harmony vs, disharmony and what usually leads to repair.
Have you noticed any changes to your pattern? In other words, are you staying longer in the disharmony, or going into disharmony quicker? If yes, why do you think that is? (try not to shy away from answering the “why”. You have more insight than you think into your relationship.
Since you can only control your own behavior - how can you express yourself more fluently next time you need to speak your peace?
When you follow this strategy as outlined in the video, you increase your chances of being listened to by a large percentage. To refine your listening skills, go to the Communication Blueprint inside the membership.
INVENTORY
Taking stock in your relationship like this can potentially bring up a lot of emotion. Journal about it. Use this inventory section as a way to get it all out of you head.
*Note: know that you have more influence over yourself and your relationship than you think.