Press play to watch Zoom video above, password: RUT
We are never actually stuck unless we are literally trapped in a ditch. “Stuck” is a metaphor for feeling a lack of progress, momentum, and flow. I believe we feel most satisfied in life when we are making progress in some way; therefore, feeling stuck can often present us with profound pain, frustration, and existential crises.
Our ruts will exist for 3 main reasons:
Internal Conflict: When we battle between what we truly want and feel called to do vs what we tell ourselves we “should” be doing based on our conditioning. This is the most common war we wage within ourselves. This conditioning comes from: who we think we have to be to get one or both of our parents’ approval/love, and from the pressures we feel from our community and from society. Our conditioning impacts our beliefs about money, love, success and health.
Disempowering Story: think of something you really want to make happen, shift, or achieve. Notice how your body feels. I imagine if your body could speak, it would declare a YES. Then ask yourself what are your reasons for not having it? Whatever your mind tells you why it can’t happen is the story. In other words, your body says yes, but your mind tells you all the reasons why it can’t happen: that’s the story. But bear in mind that part of your story can be super legitimate. It may be that quitting your job to pursue another career would be financially appalling, for example. But that does NOT mean that you should stay at a job you hate and have a miserable life! It just means that you will need to get resourceful and creative in your thinking. It means you will have to transition out of one career and into the other in a way that doesn't kill you financially. And it IS POSSIBLE. There ARE WAYS. It will involve some calculated risk and perhaps some temporary sacrifice, but that is what we must do to get out of the rut.
Addiction to certainty. Here's an important paradox: Ruts can be extremely uncomfortable, but they often last way longer than necessary because the alternative would mean to step into the UNcertainty of the unknown - which is MORE uncomfortable. In other words, our ruts are familiar and therefore more subconsciously comfortable than we think. Depending on the severity of your rut, mainly distinguishable by how long you’ve been in it, it may require more risk to get out of it. And the more risk averse you are, well, then, herein lies the problem. Which is why I often recommend small incremental steps rather than huge compromising risks.
HOW TO GET OUT OF A RUT
Although not the easiest thing to hear, in order to get out of a rut, we have to stop digging it. But how? Here is the guide I use with great success personally and with my clients.
Our “headspace” is in many ways the rut. Meaning, it’s not the circumstance that defines our stuckness, but rather what we think about our circumstance that keeps us stuck. When we feel stuck, we are focusing on a story, a “what if”, a “ “I should” or an “I shouldn’t”. This thinking then creates an emotion (frustration, sadness, self pity, apathy, anger) that isn't creative nor resourceful. So, the emotion then keeps us in the cycle, and it becomes a self fulfilling prophesy. WE MUST CHANGE OUR THINKING IF WE ARE GOING TO REGAIN MOMENTUM.
So this is somewhat paradoxical, but what if the rut you think you are in is really just a pause? All that lives has a pulse, and the pulse of life ebbs flows, speeds up, and slows down. What if your stagnation was nothing more than a slow down that is meant to push you towards deep introspection?
Don’t necessarily accept the rut you’re in, but do accept that it is where you are and that you will have to combine both patience and fortitude to get out of it. Resistance will keep you stuck, resourcefulness will get you out of it.
Consider your subconscious: Sometimes, we subconsciously keep ourselves from moving forward in life because it would mean a death to who we think we are, and who we think need to be for our parents. (certainty)This is why, if your rut is a big one that's lasting a long time, I would encourage you to consult with your fears. Death to who we think we are, aka our identity is a big concept to contend with. But it’s a critical and necessary one. We are meant to go through life reinventing ourselves, shedding old skin, and rebirthing our selves. I truly believe this is partly why the life span of a human being is much longer than any other mammal. So we can die and be reborn over and over again to get the fullest bang for our buck out of life.
Make a decision: Decide that today is the day you are going to commit yourself to getting out of your rut.
JOURNAL
Create a map: Whenever we want to go someplace where we’ve never been before, we need a map. (or a gps!) But we can't get anywhere without knowing where we are first. And that isn't always so easy because we can easily be in denial about where we are, OR make it seem worse than it is. So take the time you need to get honest about where you are now, then get honest about what it is that you WANT. Once you’ve outlined point A & B..
Now create a strategy to get you where you want to go. By strategy I mean the steps that you will need to take in order to get you to point B. This where working with a coach or a trusted advisor can be enormously helpful, although depending on your motivation, you can do this with the help of this workshop. The steps should include specific actions you need to take. Divide them into small simple steps to take daily, and into bigger steps that may need some steps to get you there. These can include decisions, morning rituals to keep you inspired and emotionally prepared for your day, calls, emails, saying yes, saying no, getting your fiancees in order, etc etc. Because there are many routes that exist between two points on a map, make room in your strategy for flexibility. If one route doesn't work, then you know to pivot to the next.
Notice what comes up for you not only as you begin this journal exercise, but also once you’ve put some of your plan to action. Fear will come up, but that’s not unique. Instead, get specific about your fear. Answer these questions: What is my fear telling me? What am I afraid of, very specifically? What beliefs do I have about who I am and what I am capable of, or what I worthy of that are getting in the way of pulling me out of my rut? What emotional states are keeping me stuck?
Although figuring out the steps you need to take to create healthy change in your life can feel daunting and confusing, I promise you that the “strategy” will come to you when you first address your fears. Your fears are your fears - but what if you could muster up the COURAGE to face them? Courage is a very specific emotional state that is stronger, in my opinion, than any other feeling. It can over power anything once given a chance to form. Focus on the feelings and beliefs that are holding you back, and the strategy will come more easily to you. You CAN get yourself out of the rut. And here’s the cool thing: well before you even get to point b on your map, you will feel unstuck because it is the process of addressing your life that yields progress, and progress is movement. You will feel much better once you begin.
What can you do each day to build up the courage to take small action every day? Get detailed here.
Thank you for taking the time to invest in yourself and advocate for your life. Be kinder to yourself and keep moving forward. Expect delays so that you don’t get hung up on speed.
NEXT STEPS
Keep at it. Every time you watch and do the workshop, you’ll get more out of it.
Work on your “map” and take as much time as you need to understand what exactly is holding you back.
I highly recommend the FEAR workshop to help you work with your fears.’
GET UNSTUCK
30-DAY CHALLENGE
Take an action every single day towards climbing out of your rut. This can include actions taken to get you in more inspired emotional states, as well as talking to people who have had similar journeys to you and asking for their advice. Their “success” can provide you with massive clues, and will show you what is possible for you.