Press play to watch Zoom video above, password: PLEA

Communication is the least understood and yet the most important skill we must learn and hone if we are going to be GREAT in all relationship. In school, you may have learned how to articulate clearly, to debate your point, or to read a passage from a novel aloud. If you studied in law or business school, you may have learned how to negotiate. Negotiation is an extremely powerful skill, but the rules that apply for business and the law are not entirely applicable when it comes to interpersonal relationships.

In all important relationships, we are dealing with our own vulnerability and fear, as well as the fears and vulnerability of those who matter to us. It’s delicate and tricky. When you communicate well, you create trust, respect, and intimacy. When you don’t, all those elements can be destroyed. Communication is the glue that keeps couples together, and it’s deficit is always the force the tears them apart. Needless to say, it’s everything.

ALL COUPLES FIGHT. GREAT COUPLES REPAIR EXPEDIENTLY.

Its totally unrealistic to believe that you’re going to agree with someone, like a partner, all the time. The repair is where you must focus. *please refer to the Communication Roadmap for a comprehensive training on communication and assertiveness”

P L E A

P - Presence and Physiology
L - Listen
E - Empathy
A - Acknowledgement

Presence/Physiology: 

We are animals who can feel energy. Especially as women, we are acutely aware of when someone is not present, even if he/she is physically in the room with us. Apart from energetics, however, what we do with our eyes, voices and bodies is incredibly important. When you physically turn towards someone who is sharing their experience with you, and you look them in the eye, you will immediately make them feel heard. Words matter, but how you say them can change the meaning 100 percent. “I hate you” can be said teasingly with a particular physiology and tone. It could also be said malevolently. The difference is in what we are doing with our bodies and voices.

Listen:

How often are you plotting your reply while someone is talking to you - especially if its a challenging conversation? We all do. But if we seek to understand another’s experience, even if we are triggered by it, we master communication. Listening is a skill that is not easy to learn or master. It requires serious dedicated practice. But its like medicine.

Empathy:

The ability to put ourselves in the shoes of another is very important. By shoes, I mean brain, heart, nervous system. It means, ‘can I step outside of my own experience and try to see the circumstance through the filter of my loved one’s perception?’ Reality is subjective. What you see is not what another sees. When you want to repair a situation with a loved one, you must be able to see through their eyes. It doesn't mean you have to agree with them, but you have to try to feel what they feel. Empathy is predicated on our willingness to be very Present with someone, and to truly Listen to them. *if you are highly emphatic and struggle with internal boundaries be sure to listen to the video at 21 minutes in. To learn more about how to create healthier boundaries, see the Boundaries workshop.

Acknowledgement: 22:15

We must be able to say, “I hear you.” After being present with our attention, listening with the intent to understand, and then attempting to see and feel the situation through our loved one’s perception (empathy), then we must acknowledge our person’s right to their experience and POV. When we people feel understood, they will open to you. Acknowledgment = feeling understood.

Some other key points for productive repair:

  • PEACE: Your intention, aim, and goal for your discussion must be peace. In a debate, there is a winner and a loser. If your aim is to win, then your partner will be the loser. You do NOT want to live with a loser. They will feel defeated, resentful, bitter, and disempowered. These emotions do not make for a good partner nor healthy intimacy. Peace requires solution. Not a winner.

  • BLAME: Blame is one of the most toxic substances inside of a relationship. It weakens trust, diminishes respect, and is unproductive. Instead, take responsibility for your interpretation of the facts, share how it made you feel using language that describes real emotions, and offer what you would have preferred to have happen in the future.

  • VULNERABILITY: It is extremely difficult to expose yourself to someone who may reject you. It’s risky and scary. But when you love someone, you must gift them with your openness because it is the only way to build closeness. It is the only way YOU receive the love you deserve to feel. Do not make yourself vulnerable to someone you do not trust. But if you fundamentally trust your loved one, you are going to have to open to them and share the fear that lurks beneath your anger and frustration with them. The fear that they may take their love and attention away from you.

  • Take turns being the speaker and the listener. The speaker speaks responsibly and the listener must listen proactively. No interrupting. Remember, it is not a debate. 30:58

ASSERTING YOURSELF:

As women we have not been taught by society how to assert ourselves effectively. Society is only a part of our conditioning, however. It’s possible that you weren’t taught how to effectively stand up for yourself by your parents, either. Or maybe you were - which is fantastic. But, we could all use more training in how to assert ourselves better.

If and when something your partner (or future one) does something to upset you, its important that you let them know. Why? because resentment and bitterness are a hell not worth living in. And it’s the hell that will take up residence in your psyche when you internalize things and don't ask for what you need.

As addressed above, blame is not assertiveness. Nor is yelling or snide remarks. You have to take full responsibility for what you saw, experienced, and felt in that moment. You have to say why that felt so awful for you by sharing your interpretation of it all. And you have to offer what you would have preferred. *For a lot more on this, be sure to check out the Communication Blueprint, also available in The Conscious Woman Membership.

T I M E  O U T:

I am a huge advocate for taking time outs when things get too heated. It’s very important that when you see the conversation escalating, that you do all that you can to LESSON THE EMOTIONAL CHARGE. If you don’t, things can and will get out of hand quickly. With the promise of return, explain that you need to take a break from the conversation to collect yourself so that you can be more present and a better listener.

Things to do when taking a time out:

  • splash cold water on your face.

  • drink a glass of water, or have some food.

  • go for a walk.

  • meditate.

  • do some deep breathing and some stretching/yoga

Time outs are for shifting your physiology so that you can enter a more productive and open emotional state. Open mental states help the repair process, because we need to be resourceful rather than rigid and attached to outcome. 

JOURNAL

  1. Think of an obstacle you are either currently facing or have faced with a loved one. Briefly write down what the “beef” is/was.

  2. Review PLEA: where can you improve here?

  3. How quick are you to jump to conclusions about your loved one?

  4. How well do you assert yourself?

  5. How well do you truly listen?

  6. Write down a few ways you can improve all aspects of PLEA, as well as asserting yourself.

Thank you. Thank you of taking the time to invest in yourself and your relationships with others. None of us were taught these principles in school or within our families, and many of us were not taught how to manage our emotional triggers properly so that we can repair. Be easy on yourself, and take prompt responsibility when you mess up. We all mess up.

NEXT STEPS

  1. Continue to revisit this workshop and do the journal prompts as much as you can or need.

  2. When you feel ready, dive in to the communication roadmap as well as the roadmap for couples and intimacy in The Conscious Woman Membership.

  3. Do the 30 day challenge. When we commit minimally 30 days of practice, we re-wire our habits.

COMMUNICATE

30-DAY CHALLENGE

For 30 days minimally, practice PLEA in as many circumstances as possible - not just in arguments, and not just with loved ones. This can be with friends, co-workers, and more.

- Practice being in command of your physiology and being present with someone when they speak to you.

- Listen with the intent to understand, not just to reply

- Empathize with them - not to feel responsible for their experience, but to imagine what it is like for them to have it.

Acknowledge people as often as you can when they are speaking to you.