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Many of us are haunted by stories that we tell ourselves about what happened long ago in childhood. Many of these stories can serve as powerful and negative reference points for our identity as adults, even though we really don’t know if the story is accurate. Our experiences as a child were perceived through the consciousness we had as a child. This does not discount he facts of what may or may not have happened to you as kid. But very, very often, we are haunted by a moment where, for example, our mother or our father neglected our needs. As a child, this has a profound impact on our nervous system that will be stay with us into adulthood. But, if we were to analyze that moment, the moment that has been etched in our brains as a powerfully negative one, from the perception of who we are today, then what is possible is a very different interpretation from that event. For example, you, as an adult, could be able to look at those moments of neglect, and realize that your parent was actually overwhelmed, or depressed, or working hard because THEIR belief was that if they didn't work hard, they could never give you a proper home. In other words, they had NO idea they were actually neglecting you.

To see your parent through your current day, wiser adult eyes is the pathway to forgiving this parent. But, forgiveness does not necessarily mean you have a relationship with them. If you were abused in any way, or if your parent is total chaos and toxic, I don't recommend rekindling or strengthening ties. Nonetheless, even in the darkest of circumstances, you could tell yourself that you were loved and that you’re not enough, or you can look at the situation with more wisdom and see that they were actually doing the best that they could. This does not change the events, but it does change the meaning. And when we change the meaning, trauma begins to heal itself.

HOW TO HEAL

So when it comes to a troubling relationship with a parent its imperative that you look very closely into two things: One is, the stories you have about who they are, what they believe about you, and what they did or did not do raising you. Two, who you had to be in order to get your parent’s love, attention, or recognition, no matter how scarce it was.

Human beings are conditioned through reward and punishment. When we are small children, this is how we’re molded, essentially. When you were old enough to say “no” was the moment you were old enough to be a challenge to your parents. You were also rewarded for certain behaviors. Maybe you were rewarded for being the “good” girl, or for being quiet, or for being loud and funny or for getting straight A’s, or excelling in sports. Whatever you were rewarded for, you subconsciously continued to develop. That which you were NOT rewarded for; however, became the part of you that you divorced yourself from, and most likely developed shame around. In Jungian terminology, that unrequited part of you was likely thrown into your shadow. Your shadow represents the part of all of us that is capable of malevolence, bitterness, and manipulation. 

For example, let’s say that being assertive was not rewarded as a child. Instead, you were encouraged to be quiet and refined. (please feel free to substitute your reward here). “Quiet and refined” has become a big part of your identity. But, there is also an assertive and more aggressive part to you - I would bet. Maybe she comes out in small doses or with certain people/circumstances. Or maybe you’ve totally repressed that part and it comes out in moments of rage that registers as “out of character”. You most likely have some shame or embarrassment around this part of you. You see “her” as “bad” or not good enough. So, you throw her into your shadow to reside with the parts that we all collectively try to avoid in ourselves.

When we talk about “feeling whole” this is what has to heal. We have to integrate the parts of ourselves that we THOUGHT could never be good enough for our parent.

Here’s the thing: 

Your parent never intended for you to suppress, repress, kill off, reject or abandon an essential aspect of who you are. They molded you based on what they thought was the “right” way to be in order to either protect you or to keep order in the household.

I do not recommend getting together with this parent to discuss your past IF your parent is unsafe emotionally or physically. I do recommend, however, having a conversation with your parent if it’s appropriate, and to share your perception of what went down in childhood. To share who you think you have to be in order to be good enough, and ask them for their perspective. I have advised dozens of clients to have this conversation and it has been startling positive. They all said, in some form, “I can't believe this whole time I thought….”

JOURNAL

You can STILL heal even if your parent has passed away or if you must uphold your distance from them. It begins with examining your story. I strongly recommend that you attempt to answer these questions when you are in a calm state, hydrated and not hungry, with little interruption. After a meditation is ideal. Here are questions to ask yourself:

  1. What don’t I know about why they (parent) were the way they were?

  2. What rules do I have about how I believe they “should” be or behave?

  3. What emotions have I been living with because of this story?

  4. How has it impacted my personal and romantic relationships?

  5. What does my story about my parent give me? Just it give me validation? An excuse not to move forward in an area of my life? Does it help me connect with another family member? Does it make me feel unique in some way?

  6. What do I believe about them that might be misinformed or outdated? Was I influenced by another family member to believe what I do?

  7. Their behavior may have been bad. But do you believe that their intention was to harm?

  8. Is it possible they have changed?

  9. What part of me is just like them?

  10. Can I accept this part of me?

  11. Is it possible they have no idea of their impact?

  12. What if they are suffering also?

  13. What are you proud of in yourself that you never would have developed if it weren’t for the fact that your parent was not who you needed them to be?

  14. Can you “blame” them for being a force of good in your life - paradoxically speaking?

  15. Can the pain you experienced be used today and in the future as a force of good in your life and other’s? In other words, can you use the pain and turn it into something profoundly meaningful and purposeful in your life?

  16. Can you let go? What would letting go look, and feel like for you?

Thank you for completing this workshop and taking the time to advocate for your emotional well being - it’s a big fete. All the issues we face when it comes down to our relationship with ourselves and with our intimate ones with others can be traced back to the story of our childhood. But one thing I know with utter certainty is that in order to heal the child within, we must look at our childhood with a newer perspective. Please work with a coach or a therapist IF you feel you need more 1:1 support. 

NEXT STEPS

  • The most important thing is to keep resisting this workshop and committing to the journalling. These are big questions, and I come back to them often, personally.

PARENTS

30-DAY CHALLENGE

Instead of a 30 day challenge, I want to challenge you to a conversation with your parent. If he or she is deceased or unsafe in any way to confront, then write them a letter that you do not send. That may sound perfunctory, but I assure you it is a powerful exercise. You won’t get answers from them, but “sharing your fears, perceptions, and thoughts are the most important. IF it is reasonable to have a conversation, then this is what I would urge you to do, as I do with my private clients.

(please note that if you were sexually or physically abused by your parent, I do not recommend meeting your parent in person, and I strongly advise that you work with a therapist as well as doing the exercises in this workshop)

SEE STEPS BELOW

Here are some guidelines for how to approach/communicate in such a conversation:

You want to have the conversation as an adult, not as the wounded child. In order to do that, there must be some awareness of or willingness to hear their perspective. You must be willing to acknowledge that they did the best that they could with the tolls they had. Be sure that you are emotionally ready to step up to that challenge.

  • Have a peaceful intention

    This conversation must be for the sake of healing, not for the sake of blaming.

  • Be honest

    Share why you have initiated this meeting/convo. Be honest about your struggles, fears, issues and pain that have come from a result of how you experienced aspects of your childhood, or a specific event.

  • Share details of your perceptions

    Share who you believe you had to be in order to get love, and share who you thought you could never be.

  • Be curious about their experience

    Ask about their past, their parents, their fears with raising you. Listen to the answers.

You don’t have to love or even like your parent in order to forgive them. This kind of conversation is about the Truth. The truth is what will remove major blocks you might have when it comes to fully accepting and embodying all the parts of you. This is how we become more integrated - and the more integrated we are, the more we thrive in all areas of life.