Bonus Mini Training
Press play to watch Zoom video above, password: PLEASE
“When you’re boundary less, you are connected but not protected. When you’re behind a wall, you’re protected but not connected. Neither condition is intimate”.
—Terry Real.
This workshop focuses on emotional/psychological boundaries.
Some things to consider:
You might find you have great boundaries in certain areas of your life, or with certain people, and weak ones in other areas. we get triggered differently.
Everyone is different and has different manifestations of it all. and combinations of it.
BOUNDARIES ARE NOT A PUNISHMENT: THIS IS THE COMMON BELIEF OF PEOPLE WITH WEAK BOUNDARIES, AND IT NEEDS TO BE CHALLENGED.
Boundaries make it easier for people to know you. We have to teach people how to treat us. And depending how deep the pattern might be, like say in a family with roles and identities, you may have to begin with baby steps.
Healthy boundaries are supple: you’re able to bend them when you need to, -meaning you can use discernment of who gets more of you and who doesn’t. And, you are able to let in another person’s opinion and feedback about you that rings true to you, and keep out that which genuinely feels like projection.
2 types of psychological boundaries:
EXTERNAL:
An external boundary is your capacity for constraint; that is, not to constantly leak your issues on to others.
Examples:
Unbridled expression: persistent and ongoing expressions of anger, control, anxiety and frustrations about life. Persistent complaining. Oversharing.
Always claiming you are right and the other is wrong, telling people what to do without their consent, unsolicited advice.
INTERNAL:
An internal boundary is meant to protect your energy, emotions, dignity and psychology. Its also how you protect yourself from other people’s emotional “leakages”.
Examples:
Difficulty saying no, or of asserting your needs. Allowing others to control you, believing what others say about you as the truth as opposed to staying close to what you know to be true, being highly suggestible and/or agreeable, being empathic to the point that you take on other people’s emotions and/or problems as your own. Excessive worry or fear that you are responsible for other people’s emotions - either responsible for causing them, or responsible for fixing them.
The dangers of weak internal boundaries:
Exhaustion from being in a persistent state of emotional vulnerability
Highly triggerable because your emotional temperature is always measured by what others are feeling.
Feelings of resentment, bitterness, and disdain within your relationships.
Blocks intimacy and thwarts the healthy development of functional relationship.
PEOPLE PLEASING
The disease to please is a grueling psychological catastrophe. It leads to resentment, passive aggression, exhaustion, feelings of scarcity, and indirect communication / mixed messages. Furthermore, instead of getting more love and approval, it actually turns the other person off and trains your person to not meet YOUR needs, or try to make YOU happy.
People pleasing reflects too porous internal boundaries. It’s the excessive fear of disappointing someone that is driven by a deeper and more profound fear of rejection and abandonment. Paradoxically, when a people pleaser becomes resentful, it often leads to weak external boundaries of wanting to control.
People pleasers tend to be by nature, givers. This is a beautiful thing, and I advise all givers to date givers, and be weary of takers. (most givers will date and fall in love with many takers over the course of their lives until they learn its not a good match) HOWEVER: pleasing is NOT giving. Pleasing is giving when you don't want to because you want love and approval in return. This is a sign of weak boundaries, not of virtue.
WHAT TO LOOK OUT FOR WHEN YOU BEGIN TO ASSERT YOUR BOUNDARIES
Declaring your boundaries angrily and righteously and believing that everyone is trying to harm you and is the enemy.
Swing too far in the opposite direction and build steel walls. Examples of walls: bitterness, f disengagement, excessive tv watching, charm without depth, alcohol/drug abuse, and using humor as your only way to connect . Please note that people who operate from behind walls were at one point boundary-less, so they created walls for protection. If you are in a relationship with someone who has walls built around them, do NOT try to take down their protection. Instead, know that they need reassurance that they can open up to you. Make them feel safe.
JOURNAL
It’s very useful to have context around why you struggle with boundaries, and where they show up the most for you.
With that in mind, what types of relationships do you find yourself struggling the most with boundaries?
Do you struggle with porous ones, or walls or both?
What does your body do when you feel like your psychological boundaries have been crossed?
When did they begin? Did you learn from watching a parent? Was someone, like your mother or father particularly hard to please?
Were you punished for having strong boundaries?
Have you been rewarded for being a “yes” person? For being someone everyone can rely on?
Is it possible that those who punished you were extremely fearful of not being enough and also had week external boundaries? * people with weak internal boundaries and those with weak external boundaries tend to find one another.
When it comes to saying no to requests from others, do you struggle? Why? Write about your fears here.
Values and boundaries are intricately connected. Take some time to define and write down what is absolutely essential to you in life. What behavior do you value in yourself and in others? What is essential for you to achieve in a given day? Week? Month?
What do you have to say no to in the next several weeks in order to have more time for that which is absolutely essential for you?
HOW TO DEVELOP HEALTHIER BOUNDARIES
Pay attention to your body. If your boundaries are too porous, and you tend to on another’s emotional state, your body will know. You’ll feel the tension that comes with anxiety or the dropped, sunken feeling of sadness.
If you have taken on the burden of trying to fix or heal someone's pain, you will have to go to step 1, and then remind yourself (often) that you can be compassionate and loving without bearing their pain. Remind yourself that you cannot deny someone the privilege of working through their pain. This is how this person grows. You can support their growth by giving them the space to feel.
When you doubt and question yourself based on someone’s opinion of you, what you say or do, ask yourself this question, often: “Is it true?”
Practice expressing your boundaries. Remember, we have to teach others how to be around us. Boundaries are not that obvious because we all have different ones. Be calm and clear when expressing a boundary verbally. For example, let’s say a loved one raises heir voice at you. You can say: “Can you please lower your voice so that I can listen to you instead of react?” If this person does not respect your boundary, then take space. Explain that you must leave for a few minutes until they are calm.
If you struggle with control and external boundaries: Pause. Notice your impulse to control and connect. Breathe and allow for there to be some emotional/mental distance between you and the other person. Control and over sharing will never yield the results you crave. Tend to your physiology and release any pressure that has accumulated in your neck and shoulders.
Consistently refer to what is absolutely essential for you. This could be tasks, results, behaviors, and emotions you want to experience more of the time. When you are clear with these non negotiables for you to have in order to have less chaos in your life, then it becomes easier to practice better boundaries.
If you have walls and are having a hard time letting a loved one into your heart, then be clear and honest with your communication. Tell them that you struggle here and you are trying to find your center of gravity with your boundaries.
Seek professional help if you have a hard time managing this. It’s really worth it.
Thank you for taking the time to do this work. We all struggle with boundaries in some capacity, so you are not alone by any stretch. It is a process to step into both our worth and vulnerability and it can be confusing and painful at times. But, it’s crucial. Allow any feelings you have to come up and be released as many times as you need. Keep doing the work here. It will yield results. If you need more support, I highly recommend working closely with a therapist or a coach.
NEXT STEPS
Practice, and go slow. Keep paying attention to your body - it will tell you when something is off.
Refer to the Communication Blueprint and Couples Blueprint or get access to all blueprints and workshops inside The Conscious Woman Membership for more support.
I recommend the Self-Worth workshop to help boost your confidence.
Complete the 30 day challenge.
BOUNDARIES
30-DAY CHALLENGE
For 30 days, I’d like for you to stay very attuned to your body and the body language of others. If you struggle with internal boundaries, high levels of empathy, and/or of putting others first all the time, then you must stay close to you and keep referring to steps 2 and 6 most consistently. If you’ve been give the feedback that you don’t give enough space to someone, then stay very attuned to other’s body language and to their verbal language. Both, if you watch and listen, will tell you when you are encroaching on their need for distance or space.