Sections
As someone who is no stranger to grief, I can't emphasize enough how important it is to allow yourself to grieve. When a significant relationship ends, it is a death. It doesn't matter who initiated leaving, how long or abrupt the break up was, how civil or toxic the split is. Any which way you look at it, you are completing the cycle of life of your relationship, and you will experience grief. My hope is that you honor it.
Your grief is your business. Don't let anyone tell you that there is a right or wrong way to do it, because trust me: grief is non linear and its bloated with various emotions, physical sensations, and thought processes. Elizabeth Kubler Ross was an incredible psychiatrist who pioneered the hospice movement and continues to be the leading expert in death and dying having researched thousands of near death experiences. She also aided those as they went through the dying process as well as the family members who would lose them. It was she who theorized the 5 stages of grieving:
Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance
These 5 stages are non-linear. Meaning, you could feel depressed in the beginning, then move into denial, then to anger, then have moments of acceptance, then back to denial, and so forth. Its possible one could feel all 5 stages in 1 day. What’s most important is that you’re aware of them, and that you regularly check in with yourself.
Surrender is the only path to acceptance here. I want you to move on, but you have to process and part of that process is surrendering to the agony of your discomfort.
The 5 Levels of Acceptance
I’ve found that there are levels to acceptance that are necessary
The first stage is to accept that you may not have control over the circumstance.
The second is to accept that the relationship is over.
The third is to accept your part in the demise of your relationship.
The fourth is to accept yourself in spite of it not working.
The fifth and final is radical acceptance of the relationship and all that went down. You begin to see the lesson and understand it was a necessary part of your emotional, spiritual, and psychological path towards maturity.
JOURNAL
Reflect on where you are in the grieving process and in your level of acceptance. Let it just pour out of you, emptying your thoughts and feelings on to the page. Don’t analyze or judge your process. Just let it out.
While you go through this harrowing time, it’s extremely helpful to implement daily rituals of self care so that you can stay as grounded as possible. You might be experiencing moments of complete chaos, both externally and internally. You may have felt like you’re walking on quick sand, or been wondering how to keep it together, or how to keep working, or give your kids what they need.
The following steps for radical self care truly saved me. I could not have made it to the other side of my heartbreak if it weren't for these specific habits I set in place.
Rituals become our religion. What we do on a daily basis defines how we feel and live. I will begin with suggesting practices to incorporate into your mornings, because how you begin your day will largely contribute to the quality of your day.
Morning Rituals:
Make your bed, brush your hair, stay clean. When I was at the absolute worst of my rock bottom, I barely did any of the above. I was a mess, and I couldn’t even keep up with the basics. But when I did manage to pull it together and tend to myself in this very foundational way, it made me feel better. I felt stronger, more capable, and less like a victim. Some days it felt like a struggle to keep up, but I forced myself and it was worth it.
Exercise. Yoga, walk, run, weights, whatever. Changing your physiology is the gateway drug to feeling better. I promise that even if you have practically zero energy, even if you have kids, you have GOT TO MOVE. Do NOT pressure yourself into thinking you have to go to a class, or the gym. Take a long walk. Do yoga at home (see videos), do 20 jumping jacks, run in place. It can be 5 minutes or 1 hour. Just commit to getting your blood moving. In the beginning of my heartbreak recovery I had NO energy. I had been practicing yoga for over 15 years and I couldn’t even look at my mat. But I have a dog, and thank god for her because that meant I would go on long walks. Then the long walks progressed into restorative yoga, then into more active yoga, and then even more exercise. Your body needs to process your pain as much as your mind and psychology do. It needs to metabolize your emotions. Moving your body will free you up to feel moments of being OK. It will remind you that you are still alive and well. It will make you feel better.
Eat: If stress has stolen your appetite, just do what you can to stay nourished. Even if it’s an egg sandwich every day for a month, eat it with joy. If you’re binging on sugar and processed foods, take a time-out. Get real food into your body. It doesn't have to be kale salads and smoothies. In fact, it is best that you eat foods that ground you and are easily absorbed and assimilated by your body. Foods to add in during this time: root vegetables, soups, cooked greens, well sourced animal protein (if you eat that), wild fish, avocados, grains, minimal dairy if that works for you, fresh fruits and moderate amounts of nuts and seeds. In other words, stick to foods that will feed your cells and counteract some of the deep emotional stress. Don’t stress it if you eat chocolate - eat it!! Just make sure you add some of the other foods as well.
Hydrate: Emotional distress causes dehydration. Dehydration causes headaches, digestive issues, and weakens cognitive function. Drink water first thing in the morning and keep drinking it throughout the day.
Read, listen, write: Depending on your preference, take the time each morning if possible to read from an inspiring book, listen to music (or a podcast) do some journaling.
I know this may seem like a lot for one morning, but you can do all these steps within 20 minutes if you needed to. You could also scatter some of these habits throughout the day. What's important is that you begin each morning returning to YOU.
There were other rituals that were hugely instrumental in my healing. They were:
Let people love you: Reach out to your friends now. Especially the ones who you feel safe to open to, and the ones who's advice and energy you crave. Let family help you. See a therapist if you need to. Speak to your mentors, teachers, friends, and everyone in between who you feel drawn to at this time. Let your people love you right now. There are many who want to.
Spend time in nature: If all you have available to you is your city park, that is just fine. Be around trees, birds, and everything “nature” that is accessible to you. I would spend hours in Central Park in NYC when I could. It reminded me that my problems were smaller than they were in my mind. It helped me to stay present.
Contribute: This is HUGE. Even though the thought of going to work and teaching at times felt like an impossible task, the truth was that having to focus on giving to others gave me a wonderful reprieve from my chaotic thinking and rumination. It gave me energy to give back. In fact, I would argue that contributing to others is the single most helpful strategy to getting out of your head. And, you deserve to get out of your head. Give yourself a break by focusing on others.
Open to grace: Grace is all around you waiting to be seen and felt by you. You are not being punished in any way, shape, or form. To the random stranger who smiles at you at your saddest moment, or the friend who texts you right when you need it, or the kernel of wisdom someone shares with you. All sorts of opportunity awaits you, you just have to open to seeing and feeling it when it happens. The world is not against you, you are not alone, and you don’t have bad karma. Life is happening for you not to you, even though it perhaps doesn't seem like it.
INVENTORY
It’s very common to feel alone and isolated during heartbreak. But this is why it is so important to take note of all the ways you are being supported, even if its how the sun hits your face one day - as corny as that sounds.
Take a moment here to write down all the obvious as well as not so obvious ways you are being supported. You can list it out if you want or just free write.