Sections
When your mood is down its imperative that you do not trust the way you see yourself or your future. What we feel we will see. This means that when in the throes of your heartbreak, you can’t see yet as clearly as you will one day see. Knowing this can help you from spiraling into emotional darkness.
THIS DOES NOT MEAN don’t feel your feelings. Unfortunately, many of us have been conditioned to block out difficult emotions in order to mentally survive. But consistently blocking ourselves from feeling them is enormously detrimental to our well being as well as to our ability to connect with others.
Waves of emotion are exactly in accordance with nature, therefore are natural. Think about the word “wave” - Emotions are like water, they’re meant to flow freely in and out of our bodies. When we repress, suppress, or cling to them, emotions go from water to stone, and end up calcifying in our jaw, stomach, chest, neck, and back. When this happens, we must intervene.
You have every right to feel what you feel, but the truth is, many of us get stuck in emotional patterns that do not serve us. Instead of truly feeling the emotion and then allowing it to cycle out of our body, we tend to hold on, often unwittingly. We all have an “emotional home” - that is, an emotional destination we go to habitually when we’ve been triggered by a circumstance. For some it’s sadness, for others its anger, or anxiety, self-pity, or worry. Even though we ALL experience all kinds of emotion, there is always, and I do mean always, a place where we go to on the regular under stress. Our work, then, is to look at our home closely.
*I recommend The Emotions workshop to further explore your emotions.
THE CRAZY 8:
Whenever a triggering life event such as a breakup occurs, we become at risk of developing a very common emotional pattern called the “Crazy 8”. A crazy 8 is when you get stuck vacillating between two disempowering emotions that are foils to one another. For example, you may feel depressed for a couple of days then you find after that you get really anxious. Then after the anxiety, you feel down again. And the cycle keeps continuing. The reason you go back and forth like this is because of your nervous system. A person’s nervous system can only tolerate a certain state for a period of time before it needs a shift. It gets “tired” of being down. So then it gets more “up” with anxiety or perhaps anger and when it gets taxed by that state, it will need to go down again. It becomes a viscous, crazy-making cycle that can you feel trapped.
Example:
The crazy 8 of depression and anxiety.
Depression:
Physiology: tired, sluggish, shallow breath, rounded shoulders, slow thoughts and speech, sinking feeling.
Focus: the past.
Language: varies, but a lot “why me’s” “how can this be” “I will never” “I can’t” “I’m not”….
Anxiety:
Physiology: faster shallow breath, tense, energy rises instead of sinks, pressure cooker feeling internally, fast thoughts and speech.
Focus: the future.
Language: varies, but a lot of “what ifs”.
INVENTORY
We all have crazy 8 patterns when triggered deeply enough.
What is your typical Crazy 8?
Are you in one currently?
Have a seat, close your eyes, and breathe. It’s extremely likely you’re experiencing a crazy 8 cycle due to your heartbreak. Get in touch with the emotion you’ve been experiencing most - the one that has been your emotional home. Maybe its shame, or sadness, or anxiety, or anger.
What makes this feeling worse - what are you focusing on, what are you saying to yourself, and what is your body doing?
What emotion do you typically feel after this? Anxiety? Anger? Self-pity? What’s different about this one? Does it temporarily make you feel better - maybe justified?
When you’re overwhelmed with this cycle, what do you do to numb or escape the discomfort? Do you do drugs or drink? Do you over-work? Do you watch TV? Over sleep? Over eat? Spend money? Or?
How to break the cycle of a crazy 8:
Radically change your physiology: When you learn that your body is your greatest resource for changing your emotional state, you’ll change your life. You might need to go for a run, box, dance, yoga, meditate, take a cold shower, or simply drink water or have a grounding meal. “Radical” means that you don't always do what’s comfortable, or familiar. For example, yoga might not be the answer all the time. Can you recall a time when you were distressed, but after you had a great workout you totally saw the situation differently? That's the power of our bodies.
Identify your inner conflict and change your perspective: When trapped in a crazy 8 for days, weeks, and even months at a time, it’s because life is calling for us to wake up. Your crazy 8 pattern is an alarm. There is a story (or many) and a belief (or many) that you have about your life’s events that are stealing your power and truth. Having a sounding board to help you identify and work through the limiting perspective is a really good idea. This is where a coach or a therapist can be extremely useful.
Examine your beliefs: What do you believe about this circumstance that is making you feel more trapped in the Crazy 8? For instance, do you believe that you are not enough? That you ruined everything? That he or she ruined everything? That this shouldn’t be? WHAT IF this all meant that you two are just not supposed to be together and even though it is painful, you know that it will be for the best? - might the help you out of the crazy 8?