Sections
The Art of Accountability
You have thoughts, beliefs, and patterns that interfere with your relationships. So do I. You may have come to conclusions about your relationship patterns, conclusions such as:
you choose the wrong people
you date liars
you date narcissists
you married someone totally shut down
you fell in love with someone who was emotionally unavailable
you’re not enough
you’re pathetic
You’re messed up/something is wrong with you
*if this list does not represent your thoughts, write down the conclusions that you have reached.
Disempowered conclusions leads to more heartbreak. If you feel like the victim, or the one who is to blame, or you hate yourself for not listening to the red flags, then you are caught in the self blame cycle, and this will get you nowhere. It will never strengthen you for your next relationship. Its not to let you off the hook entirely, but it takes two. Both blaming yourself and your ex will stunt your growth here.
We all need to prove to ourselves and to the world that we are worthy. In an effort to do so, we all do the best we can with the tools we’ve been given and with where we are in our emotional development. Your partner did the best he or she could. So did you.
Stop blaming, TODAY.
Replace all self-deprecation with an insatiable curiosity about yourself. Ask yourself, “why do I do that?”
What happened is not your fault. But it is your responsibility and your privilege to step into who you are underneath all your fears and conditioning. To see yourself and the situation clearly. This is accountability.
Accountability is the privilege of being a completely autonomous person. It is taking 100 percent responsibility for our thoughts, behaviors, beliefs, and emotions. Contrary to what some may associate to it, accountability is not about guilt or shame, it is empowerment.
Accountability is to be “Response- Able.” Response- ability is the ability to respond, not to react. Reaction is a habit that is rooted in blaming others and forgetting that you are in control.
The difference between blaming oneself and accountability:
“I stay in relationships too long”, “I’m weak”, “I should known better”
vs.
“I stay in relationships too long. This is a pattern, and I am willing to take a look at this from various perspectives.”
“I made some grave mistakes in this relationship. I am willing to take responsibility about that and own my part and apologize where it is needed.” I am going to look at it very closely.”
Accountability is everything. It’s the benchmark of emotional and spiritual maturity. It’s what frees you from your past and your conditioning. Furthermore, every healthy relationship has accountable partners. It’s crucial to work on this to have a better relationship than the one you just had.
INVENTORY
What is something you can be more accountable for? (It could be very specific, or more general)
Do you get stuck blaming yourself or your ex? Or do you go back and forth between both? Describe in detail.
What emotions get in the way of you being accountable for your thoughts, beliefs, and behaviors? (self-pity, negativity, shame, anger….)
Are you willing to look at accountability differently? If so, take some deep breaths, and long exhalations. Take a few minutes to change your physiology. Maybe step away from these questions for a moment. When you come back, come back with curiosity. Curiosity about yourself, your situation, and your ex. Remember being accountable is not blaming yourself. It’s recognizing where you need to focus on yourself and your patterns.
PRACTICE
Share some or all of your answers with a trusted a friend. Ask this person to help you see more clearly, free of judging yourself or anyone else.
Start today by interrupting blaming thoughts. You do this by catching yourself when you start blaming yourself or your ex. No other was to interrupt it by telling yourself that you’re not going to go there and stop. You’ll need to deepen your breathing and you may need to exercise - even if its for 10 minutes.