Sections
We must begin to free ourselves from our conditioning.
We all have emotional wounds that are vulnerable to being triggered. There didn't need to be major dysfunction in your family in order to have old, deeply ingrained “wounds”. Wounds could be traumas or merely insecurities based on an incident that happened decades ago or even last week. However, some of our emotional scars have a chokehold on our lives and have made us into walking triggers waiting to happen. For instance, you probably have a wound or two so easily triggered when you’re in a relationship that it wouldn’t take much for the scar to open up. Is this true? It is definitely true for me.
Regardless of the nature of your childhood, you have a “story” about your childhood. That story is the backbone of your beliefs, values, behaviors, and patterns. Your story is the essence of the decisions you make today: who you decide to surround yourself with, what you like to do, what you value, and what you don't value.
The fear of not being loved.
Every single one of us on the planet fears not being enough. Not pretty enough, handsome enough, smart enough, strong enough, rich enough, funny enough, capable enough, important enough and so on. And if we’re not enough, we fear we will not be loved.
The fear of not being enough and therefore not being loved is so primal that the thought of not being enough for someone important to us is comparable to the fear of clear and present danger.
But why?
Our brain is over 7 million years old and has not evolved in 2 million years!!! Yup, we literally have a brain that is the same brain as a homo sapient 2 million years ago. Life back then was obviously very different. Physical survival was a daily pressure. Clear and present danger was a daily reality. Today in our culture, we thankfully do not commonly have the threat of clear and present danger before us. The cyber tooth tiger today is rejection, failure, emotional abandonment, and unreciprocated love.
The first inkling of this fear began when you were very young. When we were babies, we received love. No baby can survive without being touched and looked after. But as we grew into toddler years and beyond, we unconsciously realized that we weren’t going to be praised for everything we did. Instead, we would be scolded, punished, and reprimanded for certain behaviors. Equally so, we unconsciously recognized that certain things we did also got us attention, love, and praise.
We all had one parent who’s presence we did not feel as much as our other. Maybe because they passed before you knew them, or they abandoned the family, or simply their attention was just a tad more (or a lot more) scarce.
Who was it?
Deeply embedded into ALL our subconscious was the understanding that we had to be a certain way in order to get love - (which could have been in the form of attention and the various manifestations of “attention”) from 1 or maybe from both of our parents. We also learned who we could NEVER be to get that love: For example: lazy, messy, sad, independent, and the list goes on.
Examples:
To the child who learned that pleasing everyone got her love and attention. The pleaser.
To the “good girl” whose perfect grades and excellence in sports inspired closeness with her father. The perfectionist.
To the child who had to mother her mother: The giver, who can’t give to herself.
To the child who could never be herself: The anxious one.
To the kid who had to achieve, be strong, achieve more: The achiever.
To the one who couldn't freely express emotion: The over-thinker.
INVENTORY
What is your childhood “story”? Describe your parents, your relationship to them, the different characters, etc.
I believe we all have one parent who’s love we subconsciously craved more as a child - who was that for you?
Who did you have to be in order to get love from that parent? Did you have to be perfect, just ‘ok’, kind, an athlete, smart, a caretaker, different, unique, quiet, “good”? or did you learn that by being naughty, rebellious, or messed up you got attention? Dig deep here.
Who could you NEVER be? (some examples are: messy, loud, creative, etc)
How is who ‘you had to be’ part of you today? How does it show up? For example, if you had to be perfect, are you a perfectionist? Did you have to be strong, and if so, are you? Go in to detail.
How has life rewarded you for this part of you? What have you achieved because of it? What have you survived? (it’s important to recognize that not all our conditioning was bad or worked against us)
How has this show up in your past relationships - specifically this last one? In other words, what was the impact on your relationship - good and bad? Did it effect your stress levels? Your mood? Did you please and then get resentful and shut down? Did low self worth get in the way? Were you hyper critical because you learned that from your mom? Do you choose weaker partners because they seem safe to you, but then resent them for not taking control? Elaborate here so you can gain greater insight.
Who ELSE are you? What part of you did you have to divorce in order to fit into the mold of who you thought you had to be? When you start to integrate different parts of yourself, you will feel more authentically like YOU. This will help you navigate your future relationship better. (for much more on this, please see the Self-Acceptance Blueprint)
One of the single most impactful decisions I have ever made in recent years has been the decision to “look” at my parents through an adult lens, not just from the wounded girl in me. When I do this, my wounds have way less power over me. I feel more in control knowing that I am not a vulnerable little girl anymore who has to act, feel, or be a certain way. Yes, this takes time and a lot of practice, but is necessary.
*The only thing we can do is be totally accountable adults and reality check the stories that have had power over us.