You may have been told before to write down a list of everything you want in a partner and figured out quickly that it didn't really do the trick. That's because although it’s a good start, it’s not nearly comprehensive enough for you to be truly clear about your needs and desires. It’s not enough to help you choose consciously. Remember, clarity is power. It’s a confidence building, time saving and manifesting muscle machine.

Get out a pen and paper, and get ready to write several lists. I recommend doing these when you’re calm and relaxed. I’ve personally enjoyed writing either first thing in the morning or in the evening. Don’t rush it. 

List #1

  1. Write down EVERYTHING you want in a partner. From the physical (although my hope is that you don't narrow your perspective TOO much. i.e., must have dark hair, or must have a specific nose shape.) To the personality traits, beliefs, vibe and so on. Get very specific, such as: “believes in_____” “loves ____” “has_____”. The purpose here is to dig deep. Remember what you wanted in perhaps as little as 1 year ago might be different from what you want now.

  2. Take a look at your list. Circle 5 absolute non- negotiable(s). Meaning, no one is perfect, and we likely won’t get EVERYTHING we want on our list, so the 5 you circle are the 5 traits that no matter what, he or she must possess.

*a note about non-negotiable(s): These really are your “no matter what” traits. Which means, even if you meet the hottest sexiest person who has all the other traits on your list but doesn't have even 1 of your 5 non-negotiable(s), you stay far, FAR away. Your clarity will make it easy to say no to the fleeting, ego driven hits of dopamine rushes of lust.* 

List #2

  1. Write down everything you do NOT want in a partner. Go from the physical to the personality, habits, beliefs, and vibe - just like you did for your first list.

  2. Take a look at your list. Circle 5 absolute non- negotiable(s). Meaning, even if this person seems perfect in every other way, if he or she possesses even just 1 of your non negotiable(s), you do not pursue a relationship with this person no matter what.

*a note about your “must not have” non negotiable(s): I think we are all guilty of justifying an aspect of a potential partner because we just want it to work out so badly. It is extremely vital that you do not let yourself fall into that trap. Your non-negotiable(s) must be exactly that: NON-NEGOTIABLE.

List #3

  1. Write down everything you need in a partner. Although this may seem like a redundant exercise, I assure you that you may surprise yourself here. Sometimes what we want is not what we actually truly need. For example, “patience” was not on the first draft of list #1 for me. But when I contemplated what I really need from a man in order to feel secure in the relationship, I realized that I need his patience.

    A. Look at this list and integrate into your first list

    B. Are any of your “needs” non-negotiable(s)? If so, add it to your non-negotiable(s). Yes, you can have more than 5, I just wouldn't go crazy with it. Our no -matter- what’s have to be concise enough for us to stick to, and not so large that we become too perfectionist or lax in our adherence to it.

*a note about what you need: It’s very important that you are honest with yourself about what your major triggers are. For example, I know that I am not well matched with an avoidant type. This triggers my anxiety massively, and it becomes a vicious cycle of push pull. Yes, I can and have done the work to lessen this trigger, but I still know it’s there. My responsibility lies in no longer engaging in that kind of pattern by not choosing partners who exhibit these traits in any way. So, I’ve added certain things to my need list and my “must not have” non-negotiable list to ensure that I break my pattern.

List #4

Write down what your relationship will look and feel like. Another way to think about it is, your energy or vibe together. Will you laugh a lot? Talk a lot? Be affectionate with one another? Have a lot of sex? Live together? Where? Will you marry? Will you do date night every week? Will you have kids? What will your day to day be like? Go on a total wanderlust ride of what you envision your relationship to look and feel like.

List #5

  1. Write down the SHARED VISION of your relationship. The strongest and healthiest couples have dreams and visions that are shared. Such as, giving back to others, living a certain kind of lifestyle, as well as how they want to grow as a couple. Healthy couples share their 1, 5, 20 year plans with one another and make sure that they are aligned in what they want to experience, achieve and give in life.

  2. Similar to the above, write down the SHARED VALUES you both have. The following section will help you further define your value system.“Shared vision” and “Shared values” will most likely overlap.

List #6

Write down who you have to be, or develop within yourself in order to attract this partner and in order to co-create the relationship you want and deserve. 

*Just as you cannot expect a perfect partner, you also cannot expect yourself to be perfect. This is not about perfection. This is about being honest with yourself about what you need to focus on in order to keep growing into the woman you want to be.  

A mistake I see people make is to focus on what they want to get from another person and a relationship. Your focus must equally be on what you want to give, who you want to be, and how you need to show up. The moment you make this mindset shift is the moment you are ready to be in love. Seek a relationship in order to give and exchange love, not just in order to get love and watch your whole life change.*