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How do you know if you should really commit to someone and be in a real relationship with them? How long is it normal to have doubts before you should act on them? What should you do if you feel like they have 1 foot in and 1 foot out with you?
These are all really important questions that can be challenging to answer and no one can answer them for you but you. But, there are ways to make answering them easier:
Point #1: Your body
As important as it is to be clear about what you need, value, and want in a relationship, analysis alone isn't going to give you the answers you need. You, just like every single person on the planet has a gut instinct about what is right and what is not. That instinct manifests as clues that our physiology is sharing with us all the time. Someone could seem great on paper, but you just are not feeling it. It could be that the chemistry is off, or your body could be responding to a red flag that your mind has not yet processed. Maybe you know that you’re usually attracted to the wrong people, so you try to give someone who you know would be better for you a chance. Either way, I’m a firm believer in listening to our bodies more - not less. Sometimes we just know it isn’t right. Furthermore, if you are with a toxic person, your body is reacting - you’re exhausted, drained, and stressed. Your body is always giving you clues. The question is, “are you listening?”
Here’s what to do if or when the above describes you:
Write down all the sensations in your body related to this. Is it in your neck? Your belly? Your jaw?
Write down what you feel in your body when you visualize a life with this person. If its fear, get detailed about the fear - this will be very illuminating as fear of commitment is very different than your body telling you this is simply not the right person for you.
Point #2: Your doubt
Listen to your doubt. Your doubt could come in the form of a sensation in your body as described in point 1, or they could be thoughts. Either way, listen to them. Write them ALL down. Yes, some of your doubts are fears that once communicated, will most likely dissipate which would be great. But the point is, you can’t ignore them, as they are signals to you that something MAY be amiss, and you’re going to have to assert yourself and communicate what they are. To be clear, Its normal to be unsure in the beginning. In fact, you SHOULD be unsure. But there are signs and red flags that come up early on.
Point #3: People usually tell you all you need to know in the first couple of dates.
Ok, so you won’t know everything you need to know, but you will know if the person is on the same page as you in terms of what kind of relationship they want. (long term, fuck buddy, casual, marriage). It is up to you to listen. You are a woman. This means you have an intuitive nature that is stronger than men. Use it. If you’ve been doing all the exercises in this blueprint, you’re now aware of any tendency you have to rescue, and you’re getting more help if you need it. ONLY DATE SOMEONE WHO YOU KNOW AT LEAST WANTS WHAT YOU WANT. Who is as serious as you are about finding love. Who is ready to do the dance that is relationship. In the next section, I am going to give you a list of all the red flags to look out for and how to handle them.
END ALL “RELATIONSHIPS” WITH INTEGRITY
How to communicate your standard:
Instead of: waiting to see if they will come around, change, or be more consistent with their attention….
Communicate: “While I do like you, I’m ready for a committed, long term relationship, and I don’t think we are on the same page as far as what we both want with each other. Best wishes.
Instead of: accepting no responses, vague texts, or playing along in long winded texts with no action plan such as setting up a concrete time to hang out..
Communicate: “sorry, I’m really busy so can't text. I’m free on Monday and Thursday next week only. If you would like to get together, it will have to be on one of those days.”
I tell all my clients to be brief, direct, and calm when communicating their standard. This ensures you maintain your integrity. You may not want to hear it, but you have to move past whatever fear you have in that moment. You have to get yourself in a grounded and confident state by connecting to your breath and standing up tall. This process is VITAL. You cannot stall. You cannot go into a scarcity mindset and lower your standard.
Give potential partners a chance, but don't accept excuses:
People make mistakes. Good people. They also will fail to meet some of your expectations because of their life’s circumstance getting in the way. Excuses are just that. Excuses. However, when someone gives you a genuine explanation, then give them a chance to show you through action that they are on the same page as you. What is a genuine response? When someone takes 100 percent responsibility for their behavior and ask for another chance to be relied on.
How to communicate when you’re not interested and would like to end seeing each other:
Instead of: Being vague, pulling away, or lying because you feel guilty…
Communicate:
If you barely know this person: “thank you for our date, but I don’t feel that we’re a match. I really wish you the best of luck.”
If you have been seeing one another: “I have enjoyed getting to know you. I really have. But I don't think we are aligned in ways that are very important to me, and for that reason, I don’t think we should continue to see each other. I wish you nothing but the best.”
** Do NOT apologize UNLESS you have been leading this person on. If you have been acting like everything is great when all the while you weren't that into it, then you owe it to yourself and this person to be accountable. That looks roughly like: “I am sincerely sorry if I have led you on in any way. That is not fair and I take full responsibility for that. I was confused, and now I am clear and don't want it to go any further.” If in this case it seems appropriate, you can give up to three reasons why it doesn’t work for you. This is all in the name of clarity.
Boundaries: To be clear, this section refers to early-on dating not ending full fledged relationships. It is very important that you uphold boundaries by not over-explaining, apologizing, or allowing the other person to manipulate or persuade you. Keep it polite, accountable, clear and direct. Do NOT be aggressive.