Everyone has things, people, experiences and places that they value. In fact, if you look at how a person leads her life, you’ll know what she values. But even though we all have them, very few people ever ask themselves the question: “what is most important to me?” And let me tell you, that's a question worth asking yourself at least once a year because as we get older, our values can definitely shift.

Clarity about what matters most to you is critical because it gives you a fantastic map of how to navigate your life. A good rule of thumb is, when you live your life congruently with your values, you will feel a greater sense of fulfillment. When you don’t, there will be pain. 

Although people often speak of values as being important, an alarming amount of people have never defined what they truly hold important. Or, they kid themselves into believing they have certain values but they really don’t. That's because there are things we truly would like to value, but because of fear and conditioning, we are not in fact leading our lives in accordance with them.

For example: Someone may value friendship very highly, but has been living her life very isolated - working all the time and not carving out time for her friends. She may truly value friendship, but she isn't living her life congruently with that value, and for sure this is causing her pain.

Another example: Someone could love adventure, but has been living her life more concerned with being comfortable and certain. It’s definitely possible that in her heart of hearts, she really is an adventurous person. But, she isn't living her life that way, so she isn't actively valuing that.

Clarifying your core values is CRUCIAL for a healthy self-esteem, and therefore a must if you want a beautiful relationship. When you take the time to know what matters to you, and then aim to live your life in alignment with what matters, you take the steering wheel of your life. You become the leader of your experience, not the victim of it.

INVENTORY

Please know that this is an ongoing process that requires nothing from you other than your curiosity and honesty. With these two things, I promise the process to be very rewarding. Allow it to illuminate.

  1. Write down all the things you value, listing at least 10 things. Then review your list and notice where values such as “love” can be disguised as valuing family, or friends, or intimacy. Write down love instead. Or maybe you value long walks on the beach - what's really underneath that? Maybe “peace”. Try as much as possible to get to the feeling or emotion you get from valuing something. “Fun” could be adventure for one person, and travel for another. Just try to get specific where you can.

    Here are some examples of values that might help stimulate your thinking: 

    Financial security, certainty/comfort, health, love, peace, fun, loyalty, adventure, achievement, joy, warmth, kindness, animals, world peace, sustainability, helping others, learning, growth, contribution, connection, honesty, passion, luxury, orderliness.

  2. Take a look at your list, and put it in order, with the most valued thing at #1. I strongly recommend saying out loud, for example, “Do I value love over honesty?” **remember, the hierarchy of this list is based on what you HONESTLY value and have been valuing in recent months or years. It’s not the hierarchy that you want to value. It’s easy to fool ourselves here.** for example, I value love more than anything else, but sometimes I don’t live my life like I do. Sometimes I live my life as if certainty is #1.

  • Do my top 3 values truly reflect what is most important to me?

  • What value or values do I need to add or place higher on the list in order for me to become the woman I wish to become?

  • How have my last relationships been misaligned or aligned in this area? What impact did both have on the relationship?

  • Take a look at all the lists you’ve made so far, and write a paragraph long (could be a few lines) proclamation of the relationship you intend to have. Write it in the present tense, and you can begin with something along the lines of: “I, (write your name) have a loving, respectful......” This may take you some time and that is OK. Make it your own, and be sure to look at it daily. It will become powerfully rooted into your subconscious the more you read it and say it out loud. Feel free to have it up on various walls in your home. This encourages you to focus on what you really want, rather than ruminate over what you fear.