Red Flags:

Red flags present themselves early. Reflect on your past relationships and romantic rendezvous that did not work out. How many times can you say to yourself that you ignored the red flags? I know I have for sure. It can also be confusing to decipher what is a red flag and what is just you being hyper sensitive or cautious. But that's ok. Sometimes you need a little more time to investigate if it is a red flag or not. But either way, never, ever ignore them. 

There are two mantras I want you to adopt as your personal dating mission statement:

“I will not romanticize a person I barely know”. Resist all and every temptation to tell yourself any story that puts someone on a pedestal and puts you below it. This is called projection of an ideal.

“I will not accept crumbs”. Enough said.

Here are some dating red flags that you must take very seriously:

  • He/she does not text you back within 24 hours: for the exception of a crisis/emergency (which lets face it, is rarely the case) This indicates a very low investment in you. And I advise all my clients to not analyze why this person is not investing because you actually have no idea. It could one of many reasons, all of which do not reflect your worth. Being that you barely know this person, you are best to assume that any rejection you feel is actually protection.

  • He/she expresses a need, desire, or an interest that is not what you want, at all. For example, lets say you want kids and your date expresses he doesn’t want them or isn't sure. GAME OVER. The kids issue is major and must not be ignored. I have seen this particular misalignment create massive pain. Sure, someone could change their mind in either direction, but that is rare. Another example is saying anything that indicates they want something casual, or aren’t sure what they want. Bottom line: If you know what you want, and they don’t want what you want, then the flag couldn’t get any redder.

  • Your date speaks harshly and negatively about an ex. This could indicate that they have not processed their last relationship which means they are in fact not ready to be in a new one, and it also shows emotional immaturity.

  • Behavioral: Pay attention to your body here. If something in their behavior is familiar to you - not in a good way, please do not assume it was nothing. In fact, it was something very big you can’t ignore.

  • Booty calls. Booty calls are just that - they want your booty when it fits into their schedule. If what you want is a relationship, do not respond to anything that makes you feel like you are not worth the investment.

To be pursued or not? 

If you prefer to be pursued, then do not pursue. But you gotta throw some bones.

In the heteronormative world, we women have been given some pretty confusing information when it comes to dating and “getting” a man. But whether you are straight or gay - IF you feel more comfortable and feminine being pursued, then do NOT pursue.

What does it mean to be pursued? It means that you make it OK for your date to work a little harder. Which is potentially a very good thing for someone who actually likes pursuing! The challenge is a turn on to a pursuer - the hunt is exciting and the uncertainty is fun. BUT: do not think you can just sit back and relax while expecting the other to do all the work and then complain when they don’t. As much as a pursuer wants to pursue, they still have an ego and do not want to fail. That is why I want you to get in the game as well and flirt. If you like this person, let them know it with your warmth, your laugh, your flirtation. This makes it easier for them to gain the confidence to ask you out.

How available should you be? The answer is in Tool #3.

Do you.

Invest in your life as if it were the love of your life. In your search for love, always remember that you are looking to enhance the experience of your life, you are not looking for a life through another person. And if you haven't yet invested in yourself and your life, then begin today. When you nourish your life with the attention you would give to anything you’re invested in, then you won’t actually be available all the time for a date. You’ll have other plans - even if those plans are not about going out. You could have plans to do work, or with your solitude, or with your rest. Be available to someone you are interested in getting to know, but don’t drop everything to be so. It’s a delicate balance for sure and one that is case dependent; however, if you have a life, then the message is: “I am making room for you”, not “I need you for my life to be good”.

Timing and Sex. When in doubt, wait.

Sex is what value you place on it. If you want a real connection, take the time to get to know someone first. While I don’t believe in any “rule” that says you must wait a certain amount of time before you sleep with someone, I do know that women and men have a different relationship to sex. I don't care how sexually liberated you consider yourself to be - if you are INTO someone, your emotions are going to get involved once you sleep with them. Unless of course, the sex was horrible. Becoming emotionally attached is not a bad thing, but it can become rather brutal if you become attached to someone who is the wrong person for you.

Do men get attached emotionally? Absolutely. But the vast majority of them can separate love and sex. Which means, they can have sex with you and not fantasize about a future together. They can have sex and not even want a future with you! They can have sex and simply not get attached.

The work: If you use sex as a way to get attention or love, and therefore are afraid that if you do wait they will lose interest: First know that anyone who is relationship material will wait and even be paradoxically excited by the prospect of waiting. Waiting means they have to earn your intimacy, which is very attractive. If you continue to struggle feeling enough here, please seek out help to sort this out. You should never feel like you have to sleep with someone to be enough.

TIPS AND SCRIPTS:

If and when sex comes up and you prefer to wait, say something like this: 

“I like you, and I am really attracted to you. That is why I want to wait for us to get to know each other more. I am looking for a real and lasting connection, and I don’t want to complicate it with sex just yet. What do you think?” (their answer to this is everything.) Feel free to put this in your words, but the point is, you are communicating your standard. Your standard is: I want a relationship, and until I know we are on the same page, I am not giving away my energy yet. Protect your energy. If this person meets you with ANYTHING other than respect, move on. Trust me.

Be Real. 

Don't ever pretend to be someone who you are not. Don’t downplay anything or exaggerate anything else. Whenever we pretend, we are lowering our standards in order to get love and attention.

What this does NOT mean: 

  • Just because you’re being real doesn't mean you should vomit your whole life story onto someone. That violates both your own and their boundaries. Its also a result of nervousness and a lack of faith in the process of getting to know someone.

  • You are aggressive, cold or protective. Being real means you have nothing to prove. When you act like you have something to prove, you may appear either aggressive and overbearing, or totally reserved and cold. Breathe. Real and warm is the best combination ever.

What it does mean: 

You feel free to be warm, flirtatious, open, and kind. When you have nothing to prove and don't give in to any insecurity that tells you that you need to pretend, you can relax and enjoy the process. 

To be real is to communicate your standards.

Here are the dos and don’ts of communicating your standard: 

Don’t be aggressive about your standards. There is no need to say, “This is what I need, take it or leave it.”

Instead do say: “It looks like you want one thing, and I want another. Let's not take this any further since someone may get hurt. All good, I wish you the best”.

*Don’t be afraid to have little fun expressing your standards! Someone very well might be the right person for you but needs to learn what works for you and what doesn’t. We all need to learn!! 

Example: Lets say someone has a habit of asking you out at the last minute. You like this person, but you would really rather them respect your time and ask you out in advance. You could say/text something along the lines of: “Would love to, but I have a busy life! You need to book a little in advance with me :) “ ( make sure you include the smiley face).

If you want someone to stop communicating by text and instead call you:

Don’t: “I hate that you text - I find it offensive and rude and immature”

Do: “I really would love to connect via a call once and while - are you open to that?” (if they are not, then say bye. This is crucial because it means they are not willing to connect with you in the way that you need. This will become a core issue if you continue to see them.)

Don't over-invest.

Remember the mantra, “do not romanticize the person you barely know” ? Don’t over invest in the person you are just getting to know. Take your time. Don't put all your eggs in one basket. Your energy is really precious, and is well used when you invest in people who are invested in you. As women, we have a tendency to be givers and caretakers. It’s in our DNA and is mostly a beautiful thing. But not when we are giving in the hopes of a return. Not when we give and invest emotionally and physically in someone who isn't reciprocating. Over-investment is just that. Pouring our energy into someone who we barely know. This is where we need firm boundaries around our lust and attraction. This is precisely why I urge many to wait to have sex so that you can establish a true connection first. There are no rules here. I can’t give you a firm time line, but I can say that nothing bad ever comes from taking your time.

Early intensity = run for the hills.

Fact: Super intense and overly invested emotion right off the bat is a pattern. What follows is burn-out. 

I would like for you to be very wary of those who profess their love to you when you barely know one another. I would like for you to watch it in yourself as well. This is a common pattern that leads to a crash and burn. It’s ok to have intense feelings early on. Sometimes we’ll feel for maybe the first time in a long time a true soul connection to someone. I still encourage you to take it slow. Think of it this way: If it truly is the connection and relationship you have been wanting, isn't it worth it to not ruin it with premature intensity and expectations?

Reject Rejection:

If someone is not into you, you have not lost anything. Again, when we refuse to romanticize the person we barely know, then we do not need to take it so personally if they are just not into us. Yes, your ego will take a hit. But egos need to be bruised once and while so we stay humble.

If someone you’re dating falls back - either through ghosting or just a general pulling away towards nothingness: 

New mantra: “rejection is protection AND redirection”.

Embrace Uncertainty

When you first begin dating someone, you will inevitably be faced with a lot of uncertainty. Uncertain if you like them, uncertain if they like you, uncertain if they will call, if they are dating others, if they are the right person, and so on. You will also be uncertain if they just stop calling you or ghost you.

You have to live with the uncertainty, so you might as well have fun with it. 

INVENTORY

Which tools are most useful for you - in other words, what patterns could be addressed by one or both of them?

  • How can you improve communicating your standards?

  • How do you handle the uncertainty of early dating? If its rough for you, what would have to shift in your thinking in order to have little fun with it? For example, you could see it as an adventure and exciting as opposed to nerve wracking.

PRACTICE: circle the tools that need your attention the most and put them into practice. **expect it to feel weird, unnatural, and even clumsy at first. What's important is that you take note of how practicing some of these tools makes you feel and  how it impacts your sense of self worth